Why Are People Afraid of Honesty? (Part 2)

I’ve read quite a few of Ramit Sethi’s hundreds (thousands?) of articles, and although most seem to contain the prerequisite markers of success (i.e., making sure to remind readers of the level of success they’ve achieved) — he’s a great writer, and each article or blog post is helpful and has actionable advice.

Anyway, in his article, he begins with a tirade about people posting quotes about vulnerability on Facebook, then plugging a profile he did for Fortune Magazine. He then launches into a “by the bootstraps” story about trying to get college scholarships, before getting into the meat of the article:

“Please, can we stop it with every single random blogger, author, and rando on Facebook sharing some random mistake they made in life?”

This is the point where I assumed the article was going to get insanely pretentious. Thankfully, I was wrong.

Ramit begins to describe “The Vulnerability Matrix” or the idea that depending on your status (as a Loser, Aspirational Leader, Delusional Leader or Accomplished & Aloof), it might make more sense to broadcast or hide your failures and vulnerabilities. Basically, if you’ve already achieved a great deal of success, divulging your failures can make you seem more human and likable, or it can backfire. Makes sense so far, right?

His main point is that people should prioritize excellence over vulnerability. Create or do something worth talking about, then evaluate whether you’re comfortable discussing your past failures.

From the article: “Being open about your vulnerabilities is fine. However, using them as the sole crutch to connect with people — to get more comments and likes — is not.” I agree with this.

“If you talk about vulnerability over and over on social media — without balancing it out with your positive thoughts on a topic, or your accomplishments, or some other insight — you attract only people who love talking about failure.” Also this.

But as I mentioned: people have different interests, skills and goals. So many people want to become rich or famous without giving much thought to what that really means in terms of their life RIGHT NOW. One topic that fascinates me (that sadly, I can’t find much research on) is how to build a community.

I grew up in a neighborhood, where most parents and their children knew each other by name. If we wanted to play with another kid, we’d go around knocking on doors until we found someone who was home. Even without cell phones and computers, we’d be outside for HOURS, with no real way for our parents to reach us besides hollering out the front door or calling around to neighbors houses. People knew each other, looked out for each other, and supported each other. This is what I consider a community.

Now, parents schedule ‘play dates’ for their kids. No one knows their neighbors. Even in suburban neighborhoods, you rarely see kids outside playing kickball or riding bikes. People change jobs and move across the country without giving so much as a “nice knowing ya” to neighbors they’ve had for years.

“When you really need help, people will respond. Sincerity means dropping the image facade and showing a willingness to be vulnerable. Tell it the way it is, lumps and all. Don’t worry if your presentation isn’t perfect; ask from your heart. Keep it simple, and people will open up to you.” — Jack Canfield

So, what’s my point as it relates to honesty? My point is that as the lines are blurred between knowing someone in real life vs. digital life, I feel like the need for honesty becomes that much more apparent. I don’t want people I care deeply about to pretend everything is fine when they could really use a helping hand. I fear that our focus on preserving our ‘social image’ is driving us further apart from relating to each other as human beings.

What do we REALLY know about the people we’re connected to? Have we all just accepted that most of our ‘friends’ are digital facades?

Going back to Ramit’s article, I agree that being vulnerable (which is related to honesty, but not always) has a time and place. It’s a tough spot: how do you publicly ask for help or share a failed experience without that becoming part of your identity? How can you relate to people if you’re simultaneously trying to one-up them?

It sounds like I have more questions than answers, so let me conclude with this. Given the choice, I believe you should go with honesty every time.

That doesn’t mean over-sharing all the details of your life, but changing your mindset about posting on social media from trying to one-up and impress everyone (going for those coveted likes and shares) to owning your truth, is a great first step. This world could use more authenticity.

Oh, and the flip side to the positive comments I received earlier? I posted another article I’ve written on an anonymous forum under my pen name to get some candid feedback.

Here’s the impression of me after reading a single article:

“TL;DR: Privileged middle-class woman eventually learns the universe is an indifferent place and self-improvement books are largely bullshit.”

“Could barely make it past her bragging about her love of non-fiction books. There’s nothing wrong reading fiction. Even with her knowing she’s hardly squeaking by she wants to keep a feeling of superiority”

Perception is reality, indeed.