The Weird, Crippling Numbers Game of Emotional Abuse
So much in life is a numbers game. Trying or doing something more times generally increases the number of times you are successful. If you improve performance as you go along, your rate of success will grow, too. That creates a multiplier impact. Emotional abuse is a numbers game, but in vastly different ways.
When Once Is Enough
Certain types of emotional and verbal abuse only need to happen once for maximum impact.
My wife body shaming me about the size and shape of my penis as the reason for never having sex again didn’t need to happen multiple times. The damage was complete all at once. I’ve lived with self-doubt for years. I’ve lived with shame and forever after owning this failure in our marriage.
There are other examples.
Her outrage and anger at me for making a stew that she thought was offensive; saying that I could grab takeout from a favorite BBQ place of mine, then refusing to let me eat it in the house because she thought it smelled smoky.
One time was enough in these situations. I was never living them down or doing them again.
Once and Anxious
In other instances, doing something once is enough to create ongoing anxiety, contingency planning, and avoidance techniques to ensure that the instigating situation won’t happen again.
Another once and anxious situation is her anger at receiving a gift from our niece that she didn’t think reflected any knowledge about her or care for what she likes. After that initial time, I’m always anxious when someone gives her a gift, even though I have no control over it happening. One gift from a relative that was very thoughtful and ideally suited for her led to me receiving several days of her anger about why it was a bad gift (until she started liking it a month later).
The gift giving anxiety extends to her anger about gifts that others give me that she doesn’t like. She was furious (and will still get mad about) my church giving me a lovely nativity set in thanks for livestreaming services during the first year of the pandemic. My wife grew angry because they should have known that she already had a nativity set. Now, I hide gifts from others to avoid her potential anger over them.
By the way, I’ll display my nativity set in whatever apartment I land in for next Christmas.
Random Numbers
Other reactions can happen multiple times but not every time. Beyond the abuse of the original anger or emotional chaos, the ongoing uncertainty about the same situation happening again contributes to the lingering abusive situation and anxiety.
On one road trip, she got mad at me for selecting a bluesy Christmas mix. We often listened to, and she enjoyed, comparable song styles by the same artists. That one time, though, it was horrible that I’d picked that music because she claimed to hate it. In later years, she’d ask for the very same songs on a music mix, but would the anger happen again?
Before one large party hosted by my boss, I pre-arranged to have the restaurant alerted about my wife’s specific food issues. I did this to prevent them offering her a dish that would cause food reactions. For some reason, this time, the wait person singling her out for special treatment angered her. My wife grew more agitated and demanded that we leave immediately. I had to inform my boss and extend my apologies for leaving before they served dinner. We wound up eating at Nordstrom’s, with me buying her a kitchen mixer to calm her down and “make it up” to her. Despite this, she displays the same level of anger at other restaurants where the wait staff doesn’t pay enough attention (in her view) to her food issues.
In these situations, you simply never know what will happen or when it might occur. There are scores of comparable individual triggers over the years. I simply never know what the issue might be today.
It’s Crippling
In the world of emotional and verbal abuse, the numbers game isn’t about behaviors happening more frequently and being predictable.
This numbers game focuses on realizing that a wide and potentially random variety of angry, crazy, hurtful, and irrational behaviors are even possibilities. Just one instance of abusive behavior is enough to wreak years of mental and emotional havoc on others.
It’s weird, it’s crippling, and it’s been my life for decades.
Get Help If This Feels Familiar
If, as you read this, the descriptions of uncertainty and anxiety feel familiar, please seek help. I didn’t for far too long, thinking it was just how my life was playing out. No matter what you’ve been shaped to believe, this isn’t normal life.
Start with friends, family, or spiritual leaders if that’s easier. Ultimately, you’ll need professional help to break from what is truly an abusive situation.
Take that first step. Please.
If you are in a similar situation, I’m publishing content along my journey to healing as I make progress. Subscribe to get an email as I share new articles.
