The Ghost of My Passing Marriage (Explicit Language)
Boy, do I talk around reality to make everything seem nice.
Like, when I talk about the five things that I realized years ago that renewed me, made me happy, gave me energy . . . I changed “having sex” to “spending time with my wife,” when she refused to have sex with me ever again.
Honestly, I used to love the time together, years ago, when we were a team, and we had adventures. Even though throughout that entire time, the adventures could turn into verbal and emotional abuse for me.
But honestly, when I was talking about giving me creative energy and making me feel alive, it wasn’t just “spending time.” It was from fucking.
And, when she decided that she’d never have sex with me again (because, she said, that my body was the problem), I tap danced around it and changed the language. To soften it. To make it okay and polite. To make it fit with also being highly committed to God. I mean, two of the other five things that made me happy are integral to my faith life.
The remaining ones are making money and exercising.
To be honest (how many times will I need to type that), though, I love to fuck. Fucking plus all the emotion and fun and love and care and surrender and closeness that goes into the experience.
It is supernatural.
I even have video proof.
No, not THAT kind of video proof.
A long time ago, when I was producing and presenting at a company conference, I felt like I drug my ass across the stage during the employee portion of the event. I’m sure people would have said (and probably did say, but I don’t remember any longer), that I was very high-energy that afternoon. I knew better, though.
That night, after everything wrapped up, my wife and I had fun. A bubble bath together, great foreplay, fun sex. An amazing loving, sensual, and sexual experience.
The next morning, I was hosting the event in front of a couple thousand people. Talk about energy. It was incredible.
When cued to start, I did a long jump onto the stage. I’m not sure if I realized it at the time, but the video (THIS video proof) confirmed it.
I. LEAPT. ONTO. THE. STAGE.
Where did all that energy come from?
Yes, from the night before.
Need I remind you?
I love to fuck.
In 2014, my wife told me that she’d never have sex with me again. That followed a three-year stretch where she couldn’t or wouldn’t have sex with me. Or didn’t want to. Or just didn’t care.
If you’re doing the math, it’s 2024, now. Since 2009, there’s been 13 of 15 years where my wife didn’t want anything to do with me sexually. Thank goodness for Vicodin. It and the next opioid she took, regenerated our life for a couple of years there in between. In fact, the last time we had sex was the last night she took a drug intended to help her mental health.
Since then?
Whatever you call our relationship has been a sexual wasteland.
Compensating meant that I’ve gone to church, participated in the sacraments, and prayed so much more.
Thank goodness that I love to pray. It’s about all I have to renew me right now.
But, back to fucking.
I long for the end of this marriage. To be free to find me again, hidden under all the layers of protection that I’ve created or have naturally developed over the years to keep me safe and as whole as I could be.
I long for a time where there’s a new and better and stronger relationship in my life. With someone amazing. Someone that I was really destined to be with. Someone who is my real match, my real partner in life and soulfulness. My real partner in adventure and love and mutual respect and caring and surrender and hopefulness for the future. My real partner in love and our shared sensibilities about how to be close and have fun.
My new and intended wife.
What will that be like?
It will be the amazingness that it should be. It will be close and loving and supportive for both of us. It will be what we’ve both been yearning for.
And, because we’ll both know how important it is to bonding us together, there will be a lot of fucking. And love.
I can’t wait. So much. I. CANNOT. WAIT.
If you are in a similar situation, I’m publishing content along my journey to healing as I make progress. Subscribe to get an email as I share new articles.
