Meet Mexico’s Creepy Jesus
San Cristobal is a lovely city high up in the hills of southeast Mexico. It’s all pine forest and Spanish colonial architecture. It’s cold… for Mexico.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not a place I would expect to find the creepiest Jesus I’ve ever seen.
I stayed at a hostel at the intersection of Christopher Columbus street and National Army avenue. Yes, those are the names of the streets.
Not far from the hostel is a pedestrian boulevard called Real de Guadalupe.
At the end of that street, said the Argentine or Swedish person, is an old colonial church. Let’s go check it out.
Look at the picture. See that church-looking thing at the end of the road? That church-looking thing is a church. It’s the church that houses Creepy Jesus. (Let’s make an abrupt change from first person to second.)
As you walk down this lovely street you pass shops selling all kinds of touristy stuff: indigenous clothing that only white hippie girls buy, artisan crafts, books, miles and miles of coffee, etc. There’s a French restaurant for some reason. The street has it all. Even Mexican food.
Keep walking. Keep walking and walking. Then you’ll get here:
You must climb 10,000 stairs before gaining access to the home of Creepy Jesus. Get going.
Up and up. Now look behind you. Check out the view:
Get back to it, gringo. You’ve got sins to atone for.
Now the top is so close you can taste it. It tastes like 4,000 year old paint, which is weird because the church isn’t that old.
There’s a Mexican flag on top of the cross. That’s probably blasphemy. Must be why their Jesus is so creepy.
You’ve now reached the top of the stairs. You may now enter the Church of Creepy Jesus.
When you enter The Church of Our Lord Creepy Jesus, you are confronted with an ugly historical truth that the locals dare only whisper about at night, in the safety of their homes. The terrible truth of San Cristobal is this: The Spanish conquistadors imposed ugly neon lighting on a terrorized indigenous populace. You’ve heard of systemic oppression before, right? Well, it ain’t got nothing on the colonial neon lighting.
While the conquistadors terrorized the natives with neon, they also impressed them with the invention of surround sound, allowing them to project the word of God for miles in all directions.
Look to the right:
Mary clasps her hands together in holy thoughtfulness. Behind you is this:
That’s not weird at all. Then you see those heads somewhere else:
Yes, no wonder all of Mexico embraced Catholicism so quickly. With art like that, who wouldn’t want to convert? Forget the violent hummingbird god Huitzilopotchtli and the political scheming of the Aztec Machiavelli, Tlacaelel. No, leave all that behind and embrace a bland, lifeless Catholicism.
So you turn a corner and see black Jesus nailed on a cross above another Jesus. I don’t remember that part in the Bible.
Okay, you think. I’ve seen enough. I need more coffee. So you turn to leave. You’re almost to the door, thinking, Surely I won’t see any more creepy Jesus statues.
Ha. How naive of you.
Behold Creepy Jesus:
Jesus bleeds black blood.
You run screaming from the church. Creepy Jesus comes to life and smashes through the wall. The cute Swedish girl is too slow. Creepy Jesus grabs her by the hair in a thoroughly nonconsensual manner because he’s a sexist pig.
Help me, you stupid idiot! The Swedish girl cries out, begging anyone to save her, but you keep running. As long as Creepy Jesus is distracted, you’ll be safe. You’ll be safe.
Hit that Recommend button or Creepy Jesus will visit you in your dreams tonight.
N E X T → Mexican Music Is Dogshit
P R E V I O U S → 8 Painfully Awesome Pieces of Street Art in Oaxaca, Mexico
