Lions, Tigers, and Zoom Meetings, Oh My!: How to Homeschool your Kids, Work from Home, and Be a Great Partner During a Pandemic

Here’s my advice as a therapist and mom-of-two: Give up. It’s impossible. There’s no hope.

I’m only half kidding. Here’s the deal: right now many of us are being asked to do more than we can reasonably handle. Here are my suggestions for you to help you to determine what you can and cannot do while protecting your mental health as you get through the challenges of the coronavirus #StayAtHome.

1. Accept reality. You can’t do it all.

You’ve got a lot of expectations coming at you from people who are only thinking of their realm.

· The teachers are feeling pressure to make sure e-learning is successful, so they are telling you to homeschool your kids.

· Your boss and coworkers are terrified everyone is going to lose their jobs if working from home doesn’t prove to be productive, so your work people are losing their shit.

· Your kids are bored, stressed and feeling cooped up. They already had spring fever, and chances are your spring break plans were scrapped. They’re bouncing off the walls.

· Your partner is struggling just as much if not more than you are, so they are casting about for someone to blame for their rotten mood and short temper.

And then there’s you. Your needs. You probably already felt like life was challenging, but you used to be able to drop the kids off at daycare or school or summer camp, so you got a break from each other. And you and your partner went separate ways for the bulk of each day, so you might have actually missed each other by the time you connected each night. You probably had a routine that involved going to the gym or meeting up with friends. Now none of that is happening. Your stress level has increased, perhaps exponentially. (And if you are single-parenting right now, you are either doing it alone or trying to figure out your ex’s new partner’s vector status.)

It’s time to give yourself grace. You are not going to be able to meet everyone’s expectations all the time, and the sooner you accept that truth, the easier this will be for you.

2. Figure out what you need on a baseline level.

You know the analogy: put on your oxygen mask first before helping others. This is especially true now. Think through what you need to feel human and to manage your stress. Then build it into your schedule, even if it means neglecting other expectations. Your list may look like this:

Every day, I need:

· A shower

· Fresh clothes

· Easy meals that incorporate fruit, vegetables, and lean protein

· Time alone

· Time to work uninterrupted

· Exercise

Add whatever it is that you uniquely need to feel yourself. Maybe you are an avid runner, and you need to get your five miles in every day to be yourself. Maybe you love to paint, or fix things, or cook. Whatever it is, add one special thing that keeps you sane to the list.

3. Talk through a work-day / school-day schedule with your partner.

Your partner also has needs, most of which will probably overlap with yours. To make this work, you need to communicate with your partner so the two of you can work together. Together, make a schedule for getting each of your needs met. Not just work needs. Personal “I’m a human being who has needs” Needs.

Of course, every family’s schedule will look different and nothing will go exactly as planned (it never does), but planning together will make it obvious to both of you that you are in this together. You’re both trying, and you’re both thinking about the other’s needs.

Of particular importance is “us time.” How can you and your partner make your time together special? Maybe draw a bath and light candles? Initiate intimacy? Talk about the things you each experienced in work calls? Talk through what you each need, which may shift as your time in lockdown passes. Week one you may need one thing, and week two you may need another. Talk about how it’s going. Keep your eye on working together and staying on the same team.

Here’s where it gets tricky. It’s very common for you to need different things than your partner, and it’s easy to assume that whatever works for you should work for your partner. These sorts of assumptions spell conflict.

Maybe you need connection when under stress, but your partner needs space. Have a conversation about this and schedule time for both. Otherwise, you will start snapping at each other. If you don’t figure this out, one person will feel constantly rejected (the pursuer) and will feel like there is no “partnership,” only being CEOs of the family. The other (distancer) will snap because s/he needs some time alone to decompress. One more person demanding something of them makes them feel like an animal trapped in a cage.

Ask your partner what they need. Tell your partner what you need. Then work together to find compromises and ways to work both into the schedule.

4. Communicate a schedule to the kids.

This may be very different than the schedule you and your partner plan out. After all, the plan you and your partner come up with is all about getting your needs met. What you feel is fair, and what your partner feels is fair. How the two of you will work together to divide and conquer. What things will you do together with the kids, and what things you will tackle separately.

The kids, on the other hand, need to know what is expected of them. Kids need structure. If you don’t provide structure for them, they will constantly test boundaries to find out where those boundaries lie. This is their own way of establishing structure if you don’t provide it for them, and it can be maddening for everyone involved.

Post the daily schedule somewhere the kids can see it. Label specific times of the day so they know what is happening. You’ve probably noticed that teachers establish routines to get the kids’ attention (Ever heard a teacher clap and say “1 2 3, eyes on me”?) and to help the kids know what is expected of them. Your kids know what they’re supposed to do in “reading circle time” or “recess” or “math time” when at school. Break up the day into predictable segments and label them for your kids. If possible, make the schedule using colored markers and stickers and post it on the wall where you can point to it when it’s time to transition. Tell them “Nine o’clock is math time” as you point to it on the schedule. “We have recess at 10.” It works. Give it a try.

Having said that, be flexible. If your kid is enjoying learning, then let him/her learn. The idea of a schedule isn’t to rush them from one thing to another. If they are experiencing the love of learning, let them!

This has been one of the silver linings to homeschooling for me personally. I am getting a much better sense of what each of my sons actually loves learning about. One son is memorizing the periodic table and the practical application of each of the elements and the other is spending hours making his own comic books. (I have many clients in the comic book/animation industry. I wonder if this is how they got started. It makes me smile.) I try to sit down with each of them and get into their world to see why particular subjects interest them. Don’t let a schedule get in the way of golden opportunities of this nature. (Remember: you’re the teacher! You can change the schedule!)

5. Plan to make weekends special.

It can be tempting to feel like you need to work every spare moment you have, especially when you’re struggling to get your hours in during the week. However, you need a psychological break — and your partner and kids do, too.

Have a family meeting and discuss what you all want to do over the weekend now that you are all together and have no other social obligations. Some ideas are:

· Tackle a household project together, like gardening, yard work, or painting a room.

· Have an art day and see what each of your family members can do creatively. Who can draw? Paint? Sculpt? Knit? Sew? Carve?

· Cook a feast together. Tackle a recipe that requires time and effort that your family members would enjoy. Maybe you have little ones who would love to knead dough or decorate cookies. Older kids might enjoy cooking a multi-course meal. Play music as you work together in the kitchen.

· Pull out board games and puzzles, or try your hand at a role-playing game like Dungeons & Dragons.

You get the idea. Make Saturday and Sunday distinctly different from the weekdays. Everybody in your household needs the change of pace.

6. Give yourselves a break when things go awry.

Much as you plan, and much as you and your partner talk, you’re still going to lose it from time to time, especially as you get into week 3 and beyond. When this happens, be kind. Be gentle in your self-talk, forgive yourself and/or your partner, and apologize to the kids.

Therapist pro tip: When you are feeling pressured with the kids, be sure to communicate that *you* are overwhelmed, not that your children themselves are overwhelming. Why is this small distinction important? Too many times kids can get the wrong message from their parents, and as a result, they feel shut down from believing it’s okay to expect to get their needs met. It is a primary issue I see with my adult clients. Somewhere they got the message that they aren’t allowed to have needs met. They then project this on their spouse (or choose a spouse who actually won’t meet their needs).

The kids are going to freak out once in a while, too, so remember to be gentle with them, as well. This isn’t the time to insist upon perfect behavior. Instead, use this stressful time as an opportunity to teach your kids that it’s okay to be human. Show them how powerful forgiveness is. Teach them how to apologize and show mercy. This is how families bond and grow.

Conclusion: You don’t have to do it all. Just give it a good try.

Keep your priorities in mind: peace, harmony and survival. Whenever possible, spark your sense of humor. Laugh about mistakes, love through frustration, and let yourself off the hook when you see your own flaws and shortcomings.

Are you up at 2am wondering if you are a good enough parent? You then are, a good enough parent. How do I know that? Because bad parents aren’t up at 2am wondering if they are bad parents-they blame their children for being the bad ones.

I’m doing all this along with you. I’m momming it with two wonderful school-aged sons, working full-time. I’m in the trenches with you, making my own mistakes and making up for those mistakes with extra love and grace. I’d love it if you comment on this article and tell me a little about who you are and what you’re doing to get through this difficult time. We’re in this together.

P.S. I’m writing companion articles to this one and will link to them when done.

• How Not to End Up Like Jack From “The Shining”: Tips for everyone on how to stay sane.
• “What Happens if it is the End of the World and You *don’t* feel Fine- suggestions on preventing and reducing your anxiety
• · Being single during a Covid-19 lockdown
• Getting along with your partner during the lockdown

Check them out, and let me know in the comments what you’re doing to stay sane despite Covid-19 lockdowns.

Dr. Caroline Madden is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and author. Please follow her on Twitter at @CMaddenMFT or visit her website: CarolineMadden.com or https://amzn.to/3dDbftr