Operation D: The Inside Story
A Republik TV insider has leaked us their big-bang launch program…
This is the unedited transcript of our conversation with a Republik TV insider who prefers to remain anonymous.
“As the news about Dawood Ibrahim’s hospitalisation started to trickle in, The Boss — still glowing in the aftermath of all the love and adulation he copped at the hands of Redditors yesterday — called for an emergency editorial meeting to finalise the channel’s launch program.
Clearly, this was a big thing for The Boss because he cut short one of his letter writing sessions to show up for this meeting.
After his usual yells of #IWillNotLetYouSpeak and #CountryFellowsWantToKnow at the doorman and the makeup artist, The Boss outlined his strategy.
The problem, obviously, is that Dawood isn’t dead yet. Between now and the launch date, one of these three scenarios can play out:
- Dawood dies
- Dawood remains in the hospital
- Dawood recovers and goes back home
Trust The Boss to have a plan for each outcome!
Scenario #1: He dies, in which case we launch the channel with “The inside story of how Modi & Doval poisoned Dawood in a #SurgicalStrike”.
i.e. We mix-up night vision footage from Black Hawk Down, Zero Dark Thirty and some Call of Duty gameplay, flash it intermittently on the screen while we interview that moustache-pete retired General and the regular Pak wankers on our payroll.
The usual suspects from the Congress camp — like that SANJAY HEGDE dude — will anyway show up to get beaten up (a sadomasochistic lot, they are) and whenever they try to speak, The Boss will shout them down with, “#IWillNotLetYouSpeak #1962 #China and #CountryFellowsWantToKnow”
Scenario #2: Dawood remains in the hospital. Same as the above but we will talk up the daredevilry of Doval and run a hashtag campaign with #ModiStrikesDawoodDown. The Boss will also ask some pointed questions along the lines of “Why did India have to wait for 70 years for this? #CountryFellowsWantToKnow”.
If anyone brings up the IC 814 clusterfuck The Boss will just use his “#IWillNotLetYouSpeak #IWillNotLetYouInsultOurBraves!” card and shout them down.
Scenario #3: Dawood recovers and goes back home. This is the big one that The Boss is hoping for, because then we get to run the expose on “HOW THE JNU CANTEEN CONTRACTOR AND JANITOR SABOTAGED MODI’S OPERATION #GETDAWOOD”
We will just mash up footage from the stone-pelting in Kashmir, last year’s student agitation at JNU and old sound bytes from a couple of those human rights wallah lawyers. Leave the rest to The Boss, by the end of the week people will forget Dawood and normal service will resume, which is, “#JNUagainstARMY!”
Towards the end of the meeting Rajeev dropped in to ask if we can somehow find a way to pin the blame for the botched Dawood Op on some CPI(M) types from Kannur. What does he think we are, the BJP’s propaganda mouthpiece? The Boss should remind him who are. The Republik is Independent.”
(We had to cut the conversation short here, as the Republik TV insider was suddenly called back to the office to investigate a new story with serious national security implications: a 4 year old has been spotted in a Gurgaon multiplex, not showing adequate respect to the national anthem. #CountryFellowsWantToKnow if the kid is connected to the Sukma attack.)
