Once more again, with feeling
Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t ask me about my son Nick. When last I posted an update to the continuing saga of my son’s struggles with life after prison, the immediate fate of my prodigal had yet to be determined. Nick was awaiting judgment and sentencing for a parole violation that included him losing his sobriety, failing to check in as required by his release conditions, and ultimately fleeing for parts unknown. He had finally surfaced thousands of miles away after being arrested on a charge of public intoxication and was extradited back to Minnesota to face a parole hearing that would determine his immediate fate. Not knowing how harshly his actions would be judged, we hoped for the best and prepared for the worst, but honestly, I wasn’t even sure what that meant.
It turned out to mean something in-between the best and the worst. Nick was sent back to a medium-security prison for an additional four months, a disappointing, if not totally unexpected outcome. But it could have been so much worse. In his favor was what appeared to be sincere remorse for the series of mistakes he freely owned up to, and the fact that other than fleeing the state and relapsing, he had remained law-abiding during the months he failed to report in. All things considered, one hundred and twenty days actually felt like a wee bit of mercy.
So now, here we are, living a bit of deja-vu all over again. In little more than a week Nick will be released — again — from prison. The same uncertain future stretches out before him as it did upon his release last year: the same hopes waiting to be fulfilled, the same opportunities waiting to be explored, the same obstacles waiting to trip him up, the same barriers waiting to deflate his spirit. I wonder, as I did this time a year ago, if he will walk a path that moves him in a positive direction? Or will he step back into cycle of missed steps and temptations and bad choices that keeps him stumbling around in a labyrinth that offers no clear way forward? If any of you are in possession of a crystal ball, I’d pay handsomely for a peek.
A few things feed the light of perpetual hope I’ve nurtured for Nick since he was a tiny child, not the least of which are his own observations of his life in prison this time around. In his own words,
“It feels different this time. Before, I found ways to feel normal, to live with myself in prison and fit in here. But now I feel like I don’t belong.”
While that statement could be taken to mean a thousand different things, I like to think of it as the seed of maturation, perhaps the beginning of his recognition that prison need not be his destiny, that he can have a brighter future. He had a fleeting taste of what his life could be before things went south this past winter. He tasted it in the freedom he had to make his own choices, both good and bad. He took pride in the satisfaction of hard work and an honest paycheck, and in the validation from co-workers and bosses that he could hold his own on the job and as a peer. He reveled in the singular exhilaration that comes from seeing new places and meeting new people.
In addition to the seeds of internal change I hope are beginning to take root inside of Nick, more than a few external things stand in his favor that he didn’t have last August. He’s got a work history, albeit brief, and good references from his experience. He’s got a boss who’s indicated he may be willing to take a chance on him again, if Nick is willing to prove himself. He’s got experience in navigating the world outside and a valid i.d. in his wallet.
Most of all, he’s got a new crew of well-wishers, people he may never actually meet, but who have been reading about and rooting for him through all of his ups and downs. The compassion and care so many have extended him, through the words of this journal and in calls, emails and messages sent to me that I’ve shared with him, gives me hope that his journey has not been for nothing. With his permission and blessing, Nick has allowed me to give a face to the often anonymous struggles of so many men and women caught in the grip of a broken system that punishes harshly with little thought for redemption. It’s a system that criminalizes addiction and mental illness rather than treating it, that warehouses and dehumanizes people who are at their lowest rather than rehabilitating and preparing them for life after lockup, and that must be examined and reformed if we are to strike the delicate balance between justice and mercy that is at the heart of a society that offers a second chance to those willing to work hard to earn it.
Truly, the light that shines most brightly through the fractured starts and stops that have been Nick’s over the past year are the best wishes and hopes of thousands of people who believe in redemption and who practice compassion in place of condemnation.
So here we go again, once more into the breach. With the hopes of a generous community to bolster him and the constant faith of this mother, Nick steps into the future. I watch with my eyes turned upward, breathing a quiet prayer for grace — and a lucky break or two — as he heads toward what’s next and what’s possible.
A final note: while Nick and I have been bolstered by the kind thoughts, prayers and offers of help over the course of this past year, those good wishes also bring with them a lot of pressure. The collective applause Nick hears when he scores a win is accompanied on the flip side by collective disappointment when he takes a step back. That’s a lot of weight on a young man’s shoulders during a time in which the potential for success is counter-weighted by the potential for setback.
So with Nick’s blessing, I’ll continue to bring attention to the systemic challenges faced by men and women in his situation. But for now, it’s time to give him a little space to face the challenges ahead with a bit more privacy, and so this will be the last post specifically about him for a while. I’ll still be writing, but on a wider range of topics — and maybe some of those pieces will find their way into the world. And when the time is right, I’ll check in again with an update on Nick, hopefully with good news to report and the perspective that comes with a bit of distance.
