I’m an existentially depressed idealist high-schooler. You have been warned.
Why do all pastimes for my friends seem to bank on cheap thrills? You can only go so far before the novelty of the adrenaline rush from that roller coaster stops affecting you.
Or before you realize that all those things you go shopping for don’t matter at all. Because ultimately they’re shallow reflections of what you want to be because you haven’t changed yourself to be that. Instead opting for the easier path of donning a mask in all of your purchased belongings so that others somehow think you’re ‘cool’ and have ‘swag’.
Why are all our social interactions either about the marks we get or about gossip? How is it that 99.99% of all our teenage conversations devolve into sex or a nice (or not-so-nice) way of saying “I’m tired of your face”?
Being rejected 5 times (out of 5) during elementary school taught me how to move on. After having gone through all levels of authority from the recess supervisor to the principal about my bullying problem in grade 3, Judo-throwing the bully taught me that perseverance prevails. These events, among others, have made me numb.
Comfortably numb. Not that I’ve created a wall for myself that stops everything from coming in and me from going out, no. Things don’t affect me anymore. Events have lost their weight, their significance. I just shrug them off and continue. I’m like an addicted crack junkie whose crack cocaine has recently become ineffective. Except that it’s life, and not crack, that no longer affects me.
I’m looking for that depth in life. When I share my thoughts, I’m met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. Most of my friends don’t share my concerns, but are more intent on ‘concrete’ issues and fitting in with others’ expectations.
I want something more in life. Learning, meditation et al. are great, but they have their limits. I want to share my time and energy with someone, but she’s too busy chasing grades in the hopes of a job, even though a job won’t get my generation far. But most of all, I want something meaningful. I don’t know what it’ll be, I just want it. I want meaningful activities, meaningful discussions. I want to contribute to mankind.
But I don’t know how.
