Have you ever had an argument with someone and said to them, “This is all your fault, if you hadn’t have “x” this wouldn’t have happened!”
and they immediately responded, “You’re right, this is all my fault”
I guess if that happened, it wouldn’t be an argument, right? Ha!
Well, most of you would have received a response more like, “My fault? If you hadn’t first done “y” then I wouldn’t have done “x” so its your fault!”
Round and round we go, assigning blame.
In his book, The Big Leap (I’ve read 3 times in the last year BTW) Gay Hendricks says that we can’t assign blame in percentages.
One person can’t be 30% at fault and the other is 70%
In order to find a resolution, both parties must take 100% RESPONSIBILITY.
So am I saying that the issues around my husband’s affair were 100% my fault?
Yes.
I’m also saying they were 100% his.
Stick with me here…
While I in no way accept or take blame for any choices that he made (nor did I cause them) , it does me very little good (except for ego gratification) to stay angry, blaming, and being a martyr to the situation.
Ultimately, if I want learn, grow, ever have a chance to reconcile with my spouse, or have a healthy romantic relationship in the future, I needed to take 100% responsibility for my part in the marriage.
The difference between someone who stays stuck vs someone who can move forward and become a better version of themselves lies in the QUESTIONS they ask:
What did I do to deserve this?
vs
What was my part in attracting this in my life?
I saw a post on Instagram that stuck with me, which read:
“If it’s on my plate, I must have ordered it”
Ouch.
That was a hard pill to swallow, but… as they say… if the shoe fits.
So I started down the path of introspection;
How did I contribute to or attract this into my life?
What could I have done differently to be a more supportive friend and spouse?
How have I been “asleep” in my marriage?
Did I unconsciously want this to happen?
Why?
Even though it hurts so bad, can I find the value in love lost is better than never having loved?
While some of the answers I uncovered left me feeling.. let’s be honest… shitty AF
At least I had the knowledge and power to do something about it now.
In a way, it’s like you’re talking to a group of people you respect for 10 minutes and someone points out you have kale in your teeth…
Ugh! How embarrassing! How did they let you go on and on like that?
BUT at least you can take care of it and not continue to talk while everyone sees what you don’t. (and embarrass yourself longer)
(I know, my analogies are so bizarre, but whatever, you get my point.)
I realized that there were many, many, many things I could have done differently in my marriage.
There were many mistakes I made (some knowingly and some unknowingly) to contribute to what happened.
Even the ones I didn’t know, I was equally responsible for!
(just because you didn’t realize you were stepping on someones foot, doesn’t mean it didn’t smash their toe and hurt them!)
What would happen if I chose NOT to ask these questions (and look for the answers and solutions), is that I would continue to repeat the same patterns, over and over, and attract the same people or situations, into my life.
We all know a person (or maybe its us) who tends to attract the SAME relationship, the same bad boss at work, the same financial situation.
Why do men always cheat on me?
Why do I always end up back in debt?
Why do I lose weight and then gain it all back again?
Why do people always take advantage of me?
These are all patterns that require a deeper look, full introspection and full responsibilty for our part in attracting them.
Part ONE “The Affair” Here
