Last year, my husband and I were living with my grandma, helping on her “mini-farm” where we learned (by observation) that she had dementia.
Over the course of 9 months she became mean, violent (as violent as a small 80 year old can get) and accusatory toward us, about stealing from her, hiding her teeth, medicine and anything else that she would lose.
She began calling 911 daily and having the sheriff show up became a regular occurrence.
It was funny but also frustrating.
While it was a bit of a strain on our marriage, Nate and I spent time out in the RV grabbing drinks and laughing about grandmas antics.
We were mostly frustrated by living in such a small town where our phones and internet weren’t very reliable, so our business was taking a hit.
During the year I was also enrolled in a $15,000 program that had me traveling to Philly 5 days a month for 5 months.
I was working on public speaking with an amazing coach and the keynote talk I was working on was about how you cannot control what happens TO YOU you can only control HOW YOU REACT.
OH. THE. IRONY.
In June, after returning from a trip to Philly, I could tell with Nate, something was “off” and more off than usual, because something had been off for a few months.
I tried to get him to open up but was met with resistance.
We had the kind of marriage where people often asked, “What is your secret?”
We always had a lot of laughter, fun, good communication and we never seemed to have to “work” at our relationship.
We shared passwords and bank accounts and I literally felt that my husband was “home”
So the day after trying to figure out what was up, I had a gut feeling to check his phone.
He sat down and placed it on the table, and I grabbed it, ran to the bathroom and locked the door.
The very first text was a female name that I had never heard before.
My heart started pounding. He banged on the door.
I started reading the texts and couldn’t believe what I was reading.
My husband was having an affair.
I was in shock!
How could this even happen?
Weren’t we “Unstoppable Team Johnson”?
Were our dreams really just mine?
How did I not see this happening?
How did he even meet someone in this small town?
Didn’t we just have a great time together?
Don’t we laugh every day?
Am I not attractive?
Am I too old?
Am I too fat?
Affairs only happen when the wife is bitchy and nagging, and they never have sex, and she lets herself go.
That wasn’t me!
That wasn’t us!
To say I was completely blindsided would be the understatement of the century.
I couldn’t understand.
I asked questions, I grasped for answers.
I was willing to let it go, work it out.
I used to think, “If anyone ever cheated on me, I will walk right out the door.”
But this… this was my best friend!
11 years and 11 amazing years.
No!
He’s obviously lost his goddamned mind and he needs help.
On June 25th, I received a text from him saying, “We need to file Danny, I’m sorry”
“You’re a fool” I responded.
Then my own talk came back to punch me in the face “you cannot control what happens TO YOU you can only control HOW YOU REACT.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I wanted to take all his things, douse them in gasoline and light them on fire!
I would be totally justified right?!
Couldn’t I just REACT and not GAF??
Needless to say, “You can only control how you react” and “It’s not about you” were mantras that kept going in my head.
I had no other choice but to double down on myself, do what I needed to do to grieve, to process, to heal and to go.
My friend, Jill Coleman, who is literally an angel to me, offered a chance for me to move out to California and stay with her.
I really had two choices, move to California or move in with my parents.
California it was.
It felt like a death… and to be honest, part of me wished it was.
I was so hurt that I had been betrayed by my best friend, I felt like, if he had died, at least all I would have would be good memories, rather than questions, self-doubt, embarassment, shame and feeling utterly rejected.
Over the course of the year, I surprised myself in so many ways.
I focused on me, on getting in shape mentally, spiritually, physically.
I laughed more than I have ever laughed.
I cried harder and longer than I have ever cried.
The pain and grief I felt was much like the weeks after my daughter was born.
I ached but I walked on the beach and felt so much gratitude in the sunshine.
How could I feel so sad, when I had amazing friends, support, a place to live and a life ahead of me?
It was a process to reframe things, trying to create a future that looked very different than the one I had planned.
Around Christmas time, Nate and I spent some time together and discussed reconciliation
We never spoke of divorce. I didn’t believe in it.
I forgave him 100% and was willing to trust again.
Ultimately, I realized that I had done so much growth and work on me, that it was no longer a matter of love, trust, or friendship, but in order for me to continue to be the best version of myself, I was going to have to go at it alone.
We filed for divorce last month and went to dinner to celebrate what I think was an amazing marriage, friendship, and love and drink to a new beginning.
I used to think a successful marriage meant staying together forever.
I was embarrassed and ashamed to talk about my failures as a wife and someone who “had it all”.
If there is one thing I do know, life doesn’t happen to us, but for us.
This year taught me more about love, forgiveness, letting go of expectations and judgement, and self-compassion more than anything ever could have.
While I was working hard on myself, Jill kept saying to me “You’re Danny 2.0”
and I thought “Yes!…..I am”
I started to wonder, what does it take to become the 2.0 version of yourself, the UPGRADED version of you?
I am SO proud of myself, for the woman I have become, for the strength it took to leave and pick up the pieces.
I am so THANKFUL for the people around me who lifted me up, prayed for me, reminded me who I was.
I am SO grateful to Nate for the person I became while I was with him and the lessons I learned through everything.
A quote from Rumi “The beauty you see in me is a reflection of you”
I believe in forgiveness and grace and I will leave you with a picture of me and Nate, the night that we filed our divorce 😊💗
PART TWO “It was 100% My Fault” Here
