Mayor de Blasio Announces Panel of Your Crushes to Evaluate How To Get You A Date
NEW YORK — Mayor Bill de Blasio today announced the formation of a new expert panel to figure out what you need to do in life to get a date, or at least have sex with someone for the first time in months. The new panel will be chaired by The Friend Who You’ve Accepted It’s Never Gonna Happen With But You Still Carry The Flame Despite Yourself and will include a range of other people who you think about fucking and also daydream about just lying around in the park with on a nice day. They will consult with your friends, co-workers, exes to hear suggestions on your shortcomings, and will also provide their own perspectives. This last one will be especially surprising to you because you didn’t even realize all of them knew anything about you. The process will most likely end by the start of the summer, giving you time to have a summer romance, although unfortunately it will not be with any of the members of the panel as much as you would like that.
“Your love life, or lack thereof really, isn’t traditionally seen as something the entire city has an interest in. But I am an activist mayor and feel like this panel of experts will get you straightened out romantically so we can make sure we get this right,” said Mayor Bill de Blasio. “We will be engaging in a transparent, collaborative process to find the best solution for one of the most critical love connection projects in the nation.”
The Get You A Date Panel was created in consultation with your friends and family. It will bring together a group of independent attractive people who you won’t stop talking about to evaluate what you can do to be an attractive option for someone out there. This outside expertise is expected to find new perspective and ask probing questions on how best to, if not get you a date at least punch you a ticket to Pound Town, one of the largest and most complex romantic infrastructure projects in the entire country.
The members of the Get You A Date Panel* are:
The Friend Who You’ve Accepted It’s Never Gonna Happen With But You Still Carry The Flame Despite Yourself (Chair)
The Cute Friend of Your Friend Who Flirts With You Sometimes
Your Twitter Crush Who You Don’t Know But Their Avi Looks Hot and They’re Funny
The Person at the Local Bar Who You Run Into Sometimes But Can’t Tell What Their Deal Is
A Co-worker You Think You’re Getting Vibes From
The Person From High School Who’s Still Hot Somehow
The Really Good Looking Host of Your Favorite Podcast
The City Council Member Who’s Hot and Not Even Politician Hot
The Person You Don’t Say Is Out Of Your League But You Think That Even Though It’s Kinda Self-Defeating
The Rock Star Who Seems Like They Should Be Unattainable But Is Actually Really Personable On Twitter and Likes Some Of Your Tweets Occasionally
The Hot Bartender (Note: this is a different person from the person at your local bar)
The Comedian You’re Terrified of Trying to Date Because You Don’t Want to End Up As Material In Their Show
That One Person You’ve Got A Hate Crush On Despite Yourself
Kathryn Wylde of Partnership for NYC
*Additional panelists may be announced
At the end of the evaluation process, the panel will submit a brief report, outlining key recommendations, which could address both ways you can improve as a person and as an object of romantic desire.
Your love life: Your love life, or to be more specific your lack of one, is among the most complex romantic structures in the country. It includes a dizzying array of competing desires that half a dozen of your friends have attempted to help you with, only to give up when they realize you don’t know what you want or how to get it. Originally constructed by your teenage hormones, your love life once was a simple matter of physical lust.
Today, your desires form one of the most strangest melanges in the country, a toxic combination of excessive narcissism and loathing, a desire to change but a belief there’s nothing really wrong with you and 15,000 separate distinct thoughts about the kind of romantic activity you’d like to take part in. An evaluation by therapists hired by the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene concluded in 2016 that if you don’t figure this out by 2021, you’re never going to get a date again.
“Community members and stakeholders across the city have come together to propose new ideas and call for fresh thinking on how to get you a date and maybe even get you married and have a kid,” said Your Mother. “This new panel presents an important opportunity to create the best plan possible — with community voices heard throughout the process. I want to thank the elected officials who have been and will doubtless remain actively engaged as we move forward.”
“I must express my sincerest appreciation to Mayor de Blasio and his administration for entrusting me with this critical role,” said The Friend Who You’ve Accepted It’s Never Gonna Happen With But You Still Carry The Flame Despite Yourself, who will serve as the Get You A Date Panel Chair. “The panel that has been assembled represents the absolute best minds in your habits, what it is that makes you not quite right as a partner and engineering, and will create a thoughtful, meaningful and inclusive process. Turning you from a mess of raw screaming nerve endings will affect every person around you — as well as the tens of thousands of your fellow city dwellers — and it is essential that we come together to ensure this project is done right for any potential crush you have down the line. I look forward to working with the incredible Really Good Looking Host of Your Favorite Podcast, the rest of the panelists and the residents of New York City to produce an outcome that is in the best interests of everyone.”
“How best to get you a date has been a tremendous local challenge for some time. I’m pleased to see the formation of this panel, which will help ensure the full universe of options are fairly considered and vetted from a wide range of perspectives. It is imperative that the panel is committed to ensuring the community is fully engaged and stakeholders will provide frequent, meaningful input throughout the process. Overall, I believe this is a positive step that will bring additional transparency to a project that has wide ranging impact on our local neighborhoods and entire city,” said Your Best Friend Who To Be Honest Is A Little Tired Of Hearing About All This.
“We applaud the City for assembling a panel of experts to find a better way to structure your romantic urges,” said a spokesperson for The Coalition Of Your Exes. “Passionate community voices led us to this moment, and those same voices will demand a say in this process as it moves forward. We look forward to being part of a solution that reimagines dating you as having a benefit for anyone who tries it next.”
“When the community comes together in a united voice, we can be heard. We weren’t heard separately when we said you had a lot to offer the right person (who is not, to be clear, one of us), but there’s a hope we’ll be heard now that we’ve organized out of concern for your romantic future. Now is the time to find a better way to find you a partner, someone who gets your jokes and who feels the same way about you that you do about them. I commend the de Blasio Administration’s decision to take a step back, take in innovative ideas, and take on the best solution that is romantically sound and supported by our neighbors,” said The Cute Friend of Your Friend Who Flirts With You Sometimes.
“I don’t know you at all, but you can’t have a panel related to New York City without having me there too. With that in mind, I look forward to working with the rest of my esteemed panelists to help figure out how to make you sexually desirable again so that the city’s business community can benefit from you taking dates out on the town to enjoy everything New York has to offer,” said Kathryn Wylde of Partnership for NYC.
“The rehabilitation of your confidence is an urgent priority for everyone who knows you who’s felt their advice has gone unheeded. The project is a complex and challenging undertaking, and I look forward to consulting with your friends and the rest of the panel to help ensure this much-needed project is planned with a 21st century relationship perspective to manage romantic traffic effectively and minimize disruption to future crushes,” said The Person You Don’t Say Is Out Of Your League But You Think That Even Though It’s Kinda Self-Defeating.
