Yesterday we began exploring my positive feelings with Calm. Today, we move up the energy spectrum and discuss everyone’s favorite emotion: Happiness.
Particularly in American culture, happiness is not just an emotion but a way of life that we’re all meant to strive for. The Declaration of Independence asserts every individual’s right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” and immigrants move here from around the world to chase the American Dream. In many ways, our capitalist economy is built on the idea that if I just work a little harder, make a bit more money, and buy more stuff, I’ll find happiness. Unfortunately, health insurance data shows that depression rates in the U.S. are on the rise, particularly among teenagers, indicating that our fast-paced, materialist culture may not have the answers we’re looking for. What’s more, the American idea that we can have it all in life may actually be contributing to unhappiness by setting unrealistic expectations that many of us can’t reach.
So what makes me happy, from mild contentment to absolute joy? When and where do I feel my best? And what do these patterns say about what truly matters most to me in life? Let’s take a closer look:
If there’s one pattern that stands out about the words that make me happiest, it’s that so many of them relate to my loved ones. The words “wife,” “baby,” “daughter,” “family,” “friends,” “dog,” and “love” all appear within the top dozen on my list, showing that the more time I get to spend with the people (and pets!) I care about, the happier I am likely to be. When you consider how many other words like “Kinley,” “girl,” “grandparents,” “parents,” “mom,” “dad,” and “brother” also make make it into my word cloud, the central importance of family and friends in my life becomes even more clear.
In fact, when I analyzed the share of these words in my happiness word cloud, they account for an astounding 25% of all the keywords I’ve ever written in posts related to feeling happy. If I analyze only joyful posts, which represent my most intensely happy moments, the share of keywords related to family and friends jumps to nearly 30%. More than anything, my happiness depends on loving relationships, as highlighted by dozens of posts I’ve made like these:
After my loved ones, there’s a long tail of places and activities that make me happy. Similar to calm, I often feel happy when I’m in outside and have made many happy posts while hiking in the mountains or surfing in the ocean. I also enjoy traveling, and my journal full of all the amazing destinations I’ve visited from Big Sur to Breckenridge and Napa to New Orleans. I love going to the movies with my wife on date nights, so naturally there are mentions of recent films like Lion and La La Land. And I’ve made a tradition of reading Harry Potter to my daughter that figures prominently as well : )
So we know who and what makes me happy, but when and where do I most often feel all warm and fuzzy inside? The patterns are unsurprising but still interesting, particularly compared to the other emotions we’ve explored:
- I over index on happy posts in the evening. You may recall that I also most frequently felt sad in the evenings, so this is another one that depends on the week I’m having, but my volume of happy posts overall is much higher.
- I over index on happy posts at the end of the week, particularly Saturday. This probably comes as no surprise, but it is interesting to compare this pattern to other emotions. For example, you may recall that I over indexed on fearful posts at the start of the week - another example of opposing trends in emotions that are diametrically opposed on the Empath wheel.
- Similar to my calm posts, more than a quarter of my happy posts also occur while I’m traveling, often while on vacation with family and friends. Also note that my happy posts tend to be higher intensity (joyful) when I’m traveling vs. lower intensity (content) when I’m in Denver.
- Also similar to my calm posts, nearly 30% of my happy posts within Denver occur away from home or work. Again, many of these posts were made on weekends while enjoying time with my wife, daughter, and dog.
So we’ve figured out the formula for making me happy, but what changes can I make in my life to feel even happier? Or perhaps a better question may be, given that 23% of my posts on Empath are already happy (more than all angry and fearful posts combined), is being happier even the right goal to aim for? Here are a few thoughts:
- I can make even more time for the most important people in my life. Time with loved ones is by far and away the most powerful and consistent predictor of my happiness in life. It’s why I love weekends at home with my wife an daughter, trips to visit friends, and my annual traditions of spending Thanksgiving with one side of my extended family in New Jersey and Christmas with the other side in Florida. I am incredibly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life, and the more time I get to spend with them, the happier I feel. It’s that simple!
- I can continue to cultivate new hobbies and traditions that I enjoy.
Everyone has things they love to do. For me, it’s being outside, traveling, watching movies, and reading to my daughter, among other things. If time with loved ones represents the base of my happiness pyramid, then these activities represent the top. I don’t necessarily need to do them as often - I could spend an entire month’s worth of weekends at home with my family and be pretty content. But variety is the spice of life, and finding time for all the other things I love to do adds another dimension to my happiness. In particular, building mastery in particular skills and activities over a long period of time can lead to an experience known as being in a state of flow, which research shows may lead to elevated happiness and even longevity. - I can remember that happiness is not the only important thing in life.
Plenty of studies indicate that on average, a person’s happiness tends to decline steadily from her 20s through her 40s, bottom out in her 50s, rise continuously in her 60s and 70s, and peak in her 80s. There are many theories to try and explain this phenomenon, but at least in part, the so-called U-Curve of Happiness is driven by all the additional responsibilities most people take on during middle age. Having had our first daughter, my wife and I are just beginning to feel the weight of parenthood and a mortgage, which are going to get heavier before they get lighter. But being happy isn’t everything, and in fact, there can bean inverse correlation between happiness and fulfillment. The first 32 years of my life have been exceedingly happy, but if I want to raise a family and dedicate my life to meaningful work, I must recognize that this may require sacrificing my personal happiness at times. That’s a tradeoff I’m willing to make.
So we’ve made it through anger, fear, sadness, calm, and happiness. That just leaves excitement! See you tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion to our series.
