How 5 People Can Get You through Just about Any Challenge
When I was going through my divorce, I was really struggling to comprehend it, and all that I had to do. My personal coach told me to go talk with five men that had gone through a divorce.
At first, I brushed it off. But, after a month or so—things not getting any any easier—he brought it up again, and I gave in. I am so glad I did, because it changed my life forever.
And now, whenever I come up against a big challenge in life, I seek out five people that went through the same challenge to talk to.
How to Consult Five People on a Challenge
The biggest thing I found to be helpful is that these five people should be one-on-one conversations. Don’t get 5 people you know in a room and have an open conversation.
Talking with someone that has gone through what you are facing in a setting where it is just you and them will change the dynamic to be more intimate and personal. They will be able to open up more and speak candidly, and that is really what you need in this moment.
Try and reach out to people you do not know, ones you do not know well, and ones you know fairly well. Mix it up so that you get some fresh voices and perspectives. I found that the conversations with people I knew went as expected, but the ones with those I did not know were some of the best and most inspirational. I’m sure there is a term for that psychological event, but either way, be sure to reach out to strangers.
You can ask friends for recommendations on people they may know. A couple friends introduced me to two guys I never spoke to before, and they were so generous and kind with me in my time of need. My friends were good too, just different.
You can also do a search for people on TikTok, or in blogs or professional settings.
Why Five People Can Help You with a Challenge
I feel with five people—no more, no less—a few things come up:
- You are pushing yourself to go beyond the single person you know that will tell you what you want to hear. This may be your “least fucked up friend”, or your partner. And frankly, that is not enough of a quorum to work through this. One is not enough, two to three can be an echo chamber, but five is enough where you start to get a good multi-lens perspective on it.
- You don’t belabor the point. I feel strongly that no matter the size of the problem, you can get enough information, encouragement and guidance from five people that have completely gone through this same challenge. After five people, you may start to get decision paralysis, or a number of conflicting opinions.
- Knock out the five conversations within a week or two. Again, don’t drag this on. Have the conversations, get the info, and start acting on it. The longer you make this process, that more likely it will be you don’t do it.
What Can You Use This For?
I feel most things in life can be helped by a personal coach, therapist, and or a mentor. This method is for those situations where there is a big life event that requires you to take actionable steps to get through.
Not saying a personal coach, therapist, or mentor can’t help, but this exercise can be used alongside them to gain practical knowledge in how to move forward that they may not have.
I’ve used this method for:
- My divorce. I didn’t know how to start, and got some great tips that saved me a ton of heartache.
- Fatherhood. Raising my son as a single father was not easy, and I learned a great deal about co-parenting and traveling and more.
- Starting a business. I spoke to people that started businesses that were similar and very different than the one I started. I ended up pivoting my idea a bit and saving a ton of money.
- Dating. I had no idea what I was getting into after 20+ years off the streets. I ended up launching myself quite confidently and having a great time of it, versus stumbling through it to find my way.
What Do We Talk About?
That is up to you and your challenge, but I suggest writing down your questions ahead of time. I also suggest leaving space and time that is unstructured so that the person you are talking to can hit you with the goods that you didn’t know to ask about.
I remember asking the standard questions at first. And then after about 30 minutes, the conversation always diverted onto a side street where things got real. If they are willing to have a conversation with you about the challenge they went through, and they see you came prepared, most times they will give you the extra goodies, the real-real, so to speak.
Ask for an hour of their time, and let them know you have a handful of questions (keep it to 4–5, and don’t ask the same 4–5 of each person, mix it up.) Try your best to leave a good chunk of time at the end for that free-form content from them. I feel once they see what you are up against is similar to what they went through, most people will kick into that mode of not wanting to let you struggle, and then give you the goods.
Take Notes! And Thank Them.
This is a very big deal. If you chose wisely, you will be having a conversation where you are getting the cheatcodes to the challenge. And if not the cheatcodes, something close to it to help you discover your own cheatcodes.
Take notes as they talk. They will not mind, and it will be a sign of respect for what they have to offer.
And be sure to thank them after the conversation. Remember: they went through something heavy and big, and they are giving you gold here.
Be sure to repay the favor to the next person struggling with this challenge.
