By now, you may already know I got divorced right before the pandemic. And I though it was going to end me. Then my aunt died. And I had all that pandemic-time to just sit and go inward.
That’s when I started therapy. That’s when I also discovered that you can do a complete reset on your life… at any age.
How This Came to Be
I was set on going to therapy to ‘fix the life I had.’ I had zero intention on doing a complete reset. But, I started to hear this echo in my stories to my coaches, my therapists, my groups, my journal: I was not happy with the life I had lived. And yet, here I was, trying to ‘fix it.’
It felt like I was driving a beige ’98 Toyota Camry that I hated, and was working on redoing the upholstery. Like, why?! To what end?!
And then the idea of “getting rid of all the no’s” came to be. And the floodgates opened.
“I’m getting rid of all my no’s”
In group one fine Monday evening, I told the guys that I was going to blow away every “no” i had accumulated, and start over. They were like “whhhhaaaa??”
This was me literally deleting all the banked answers of “no” in my head. If I was asked if I wanted shrimp, eggplant, or veal, my prescribed answer was always “no.” Been that way for decades. So, I deleted that answer, and started over by cooking shrimp, eggplant and veal for dinner. And they were fantastic! Yes! Next!
And I had a LOT of no’s in my life that I had collected over the decades, virtually none of them getting re-challenged. Until now.
Then came the no’s that weren’t even mine!
Saying no to shrimp was my ex-wife’s “no” that I had co-opted. It wasn’t until I did this exercise that I even realized I did that. And that started me questioning everything—what else was not mine?
And THAT is really what had me doing a complete reset on my life and designing it from the ground up.
If there are aspects of my life that aren’t even mine, what am I fixing?! I’m literally fixing someone else’s life! WTAF.
The Idea of a ‘Blank Slate’ Wasn’t Enough
I needed a bigger methaphor. You see, I had lived almost five decades, and have done some pretty epic things to get here. I feel I literally lived four lifetimes worth of experiences, and I was about to enter life number five. A “slate” seemed too small for what I wanted to do.
I needed a whole new life, and a big one at that! I wanted a better job, an amazing girlfriend, travel a lot, make new friends, and share my journey with those trying to do the same. What I saw in front of me was MASSIVE.
I decided to go with the metaphor of a giant field that I was going to build a whole new city on. I literally look at the work I am doing as designing a large complex of buildings and infrastructure and more. It has no constraints, no boundaries in any direction.
What I Am Doing to Design My New Life
The no’s
First, I deleted all the no’s and started over. I have some no’s now, but far far fewer than before. And in doing that exercise, I have found some really cool things about myself in terms of communication, physical activities, sex, intuition and so much more that I had never known was possible. Again, the no’s were just holding me back, and did not serve me.
You can do this by literally not saying no. In the morning, I would put a star stamp on my left hand as a way to remind myself to not say “no.” Now this does not mean I always say yes! It means I don’t automatically say “no” based on old assumptions, and ask myself to try it again before we affirm it as a “no” again.
Therapy
I mean, how much do I need to sell you on this? Therapy works, period. What I will add to it is that I feel there is no way to do a reset without having gone through some deep therapy. You will just repaint the same old life using slightly different colors. My therapists—and I’ve had a number of them— helped me discover so many things to heal from that I would never have found on my own.
My therapists were much better suited in diving into my past than designing a future, and that is where the coaches come in.
Personal coaches
A personal coach, a financial coach, an intuitive coach, I’ve worked with a bunch. And each one helped knock down those self-limiting beliefs, and reframe the life I was leaving behind.
I feel coaches are better suited at working on your future self. This is where they helped me meet others that led aspects of the life I wanted. They knew how to get there, and literally coached me along the way to getting there.
There are coaches for just about every aspect in life, and I HIGHLY recommend hiring one.
Journaling
Literally design it in words. There is no right or wrong way to journal. I would literally write out the direction I wanted to take that week, and design it down to the little details that mattered.
Slightly different than manifesting (which we will get to in a second) in that this is you changing your mindset. You are telling yourself how the week will go so that you make decisions to help you get there.
In one case, I was redesigning my wardrobe with a fashion coach, and I would describe the type of direction I wanted to go in. That way, when I was out that week my mind would be subconsciously looking for that type of item for my wardrobe, and just about every week I would find it.
Manifesting
Yep, we’re going here. Step up and hear me out. I found that doing numerous different manifestation exercises really helped me get exactly what I wanted. Just this week, I rediscovered a sheet of paper where I did one exercise listing about 30 traits I wanted in a girlfriend. Things like “kind”, “appreciates therapy”, “enjoys traveling”, and “is very affectionate”.
I am literally dating her now. Every single one of those items I wrote she exhibits and embodies. Now that is wild.
There are plenty of manifesting guides out there, I suggest finding ones that feel good to you. This is literally designing your life right here, and it works.
Learning How to Let Friends In, and How to Let Friends Go
Some friends hold you back. There, I said it. I had to learn how to let some go. And when I did, it was so liberating, and created so much space for me to design a new life.
It was sort of like the no’s exercise. I mentally de-friended everyone, and only let those back in that were good for me, and to me. I unfriended a number of them on social media, and just stopped communicating with others. It worked out that I had a very small group after that, but they were good for me.
I worked on learning how to find good friends and let them in. I found a couple through dating, a bunch through a mens group, and some through work and other places along the way.
Questions I Get Asked about Redesigning Your Life
What if I am married or have a partner?
I am not advocating for abandoning them! Of course you should include them in your designs, and definitely collaborate with them on it. If they are toxic or bad for you, well, that’s a whole different conversation, and you may need to pull the rip cord.
Isn’t this expensive?
If you are a financial, bottom-line type of person, this will appear expensive on paper. I am asking you to start calculating the cost of NOT doing it! The emotional toll of not living the life you want and need to live will cost you WAY more than some therapy and coaching sessions.
How long does it take?
If you are reading this, you are likely over 40, and have a life full of important things that are in motion. And those are not always easy to reconcile or pivot from. So, likely more than a year. Give yourself three years.
There Is No “Too Old” for This Kind of Work
In fact, I feel the older you are the more you know about the life you really want to live. Remember when you were 20? 🤣 What the hell did we know? Not much. And frankly, it doesn’t matter how old you are—design the life you want for that time in your life. Reinvent it again and again, if you need to.
Now, go work on yourself and start designing your new life from the ground up.
