How I Unintentionally Became Sober for 11 Months
I never wanted to stop drinking, let alone date sober. Drinking is very different now.
I spent 6 years in the U.S. Navy, and did a few years in Silicon Valley during the heydays of the startup bubble. Oh, and I was almost killed by my father when I was a kid. And the divorce just prior to pandemic… To say I had a deep relationship with alcohol on a number of social and traumatic levels is an understatement. I really loved drinking.
That said, mid-pandemic I was only drinking one craft cocktail each night. Still a lot by virtually all nutritionist’s standards, but way down from the height of formative years where I could put away 2/3 a bottle of rum in an evening and still be conversational.
How My Personal Coach Ruined My Life
Yes, it sounds melodramatic, but that is how I felt at the time.
Mid-pandemic I was working on a cocktail coffee table book, researching and designing new drinks. I was also working with a personal coach on my self-worth and some inner child work. I say that because what happened next was absolutely crushing to me.
My coach had designed this program we called “Self-compassion Fest”, where we went deep into childhood events and worked through them to heal from them. These were holding back my growth in self-worth, and it was some amazing work. Until the day I realized I didn’t feel like drinking.
Things Started to Go Sideways
I drank one craft cocktail, every evening. Always. And worked on my cocktail book. After our third session of this program, I noticed that one evening I didn’t feel like drinking. Odd, okay, whatever, that’s weird.
After the next session, I noticed that two days that week I didn’t feel like drinking. Not even a hint of an urge, and I didn’t make a drink those nights. WTF.
After the third session, I again noticed that I didn’t feel like drinking—this time three days out of the week. 😬 I started to freak out.
During our fourth session, I mentioned to him the pattern I was seeing, and that I wanted to stop this program. I remember saying to him “this is fucking up my life! I’m trying to write this cocktail book and I don’t feel like drinking anymore!” He said, “let’s keep going, there’s more here.”
Mind you, the work we are doing had nothing (directly) to do with my drinking—it was all inner child work.
And Then It Got Worse
Because, why not! Fuck. 😞 After 7 sessions of 90-minute self-compassion exercises with my coach, I no longer felt like drinking. (Sidebar: I also didn’t feel like smoking weed.) I felt amazing from the work we had done. And the trauma I had healed from was some massive and gnarly stuff. It was then that I saw the connection I never realized before: my drinking was to soothe those old wounds. (Shocker, I know, but there’s more.)
I was now really freaking out. 😱 Despite feeling really good from the recent healing, I fell into a deep dark emotional basement where I was feeling very isolated. I had drank with my friends for years, and I didn’t know I’d be able to hang out with them now. I was looking to start dating again after a few years post-divorce, and how the hell was I supposed to date sober?!?!
For weeks, I just didn’t feel like drinking. No urges at all. I had a full bar in my kitchen, and whenever I saw it nothing came up for me. I wasn’t repulsed by it, nor did I feel like having any. It was the oddest feeling after so many years of drinking.
Then It Got Weird. And Good.
After a few weeks of not drinking, I started to notice changes.
- My dreams became more interesting and amazing. They felt like they got some new Hollywood director with an insane budget. The stories were so cool now!
- My sleep improved drastically! I was so used to waking up at 3am or 4am—on the dot—and have a hard time going back to sleep. That rarely happened now.
- My skin started to look better. Okay, this was not much of a surprise, but still, my complexion started to look like something people pay hundreds for each week.
- My intuition started to really take off! I have always felt I had some good intuition, but around the 60 day mark I realized just how stunted it was from drinking. After 90 days, it felt like I had a crystal ball in my chest.
- I lost 25 pounds, fast. Another to-be-expected thing, but man did I feel good shedding it! And in all the best places too! It even inspired me to start working out more regularly.
- My face changed drastically. Before I get further with this, I have heard others that have gone through massive healing programs say their face changed a lot too. With me, I’d say both the healing and the sobriety really had my face looking less round and puffy, and now more chisled. A good year and a half on, it’s still wild to me some days when I see it in the mirror—it’s almost unrecognizable.
- My mood improved drastically. Again, this likely comes in part from the healing, but I do feel that my gut biome also improved, aiding in elevating my mood.
Am I Really Sober?
I had no idea. It really felt like I had this cheatcode. I know millions of others really struggle with their urge to drink, and here I am just strolling by my mini bar like it’s nothing. For 11 months! And even sitting at a bar on a date with someone that is drinking, and not even phased.
This never felt like sobriety to me. It felt like healing, and it always felt like I had a choice to drink or not. It just took me 11 months to make that choice.
So, no, I don’t really see it as “being sober” so much as just not feeling like it. But, I still use the term “sober” because there really is no term for what I felt.
How the Hell Do I Date Sober?!?!
Great, I’m “sober,” got it. Now what do I do with this while dating? Again, I am a couple years post-divorce, and had taking time off from dating to work on myself. And now I going to enter the dating scene a sober, single dad?! I mean, WTAF, dude. I didn’t sign up for this!
So, as I do with other life challenges, I talked to five people who were sober and dating. I asked how they did it and for any helpful tips on it. Those five conversations were some of the most enlightening I have ever had..
I learned from five single people that:
- I didn’t have to adopt the label of “sober.” I could be “not drinking right now.” And that worked out very well on dates. In fact, only one person I dated was weirded out by it, as it made her feel like she drank too much.
- If someone has a problem with it, then 🚩. Yeah, that’s pretty self-explanatory, but was good to hear.
- I had a great story behind it! I told this story a number of times, and it always hit in a good way. Certainly made me more interesting.
It took me a few rounds of dating to get comfortable and centered in the fact that I can date and be myself just fine without drinking. And that drinking mocktails is not a terrible thing.
I even met a few people that were feeling anxious about not drinking on dates, and it turned out this made them feel very comfortable on our first date.
One other thing I heard from women was that it was “refreshing being with a guy who doesn’t knock back a lot of drinks on a date.” 😎
I’m Drinking Again, and It’s Very Different
After a handful of dates not drinking, I met someone that struck me a bit differently. There was something about her that had me questioning not drinking on a date. I chose a wine bar, told my story, and ordered a glass of wine. The date was great; the wine was not.
On successive dates I would choose to drink or not depending on how I felt that evening. And that is when I noticed some new things about me:
- I could now choose to drink or not, depending on how I feel. It used to be so much a normal part of my day and socializing, and not even a question if I would drink.
- When I drank, it felt different. It literally feels different when I swallow a drink. This is going to sound odd, but stick with me: before this, the drink felt like it was going down deep into me and soothing something I could not see. Now, it sits much higher and the buzz I feel is more fun and light, versus the old buzzed feeling of relief.
- 2 or 3 drinks really don’t do it for me anymore. I can now say that I have a good night off one drink, and any more than that I really start to see some adverse affects.
- Sex is way better on nights I don’t drink. Like, a LOT better. The feelings are heightened and the big O is way more intense. I am more present for her as well, which translates in us both having a good time.
I Do Not Recommend Being Sober, or ‘Dry Months’
Wait, what?! Seriously. I understand and fully support people who need to be sober to get their life back together (or are allergic to it), but I also STRONGLY suggest going deep into your insides to address the roots of the reason you are drinking in the first place.
I am a firm believer that for many people, the alcohol is not the addictive aspect of it, but more the relief from unbearable trauma. That relief can be so amazing, and you can get that from a number of sources from weed to porn to sex to hard drugs and even food. After healing from a number of traumatic events in my life, I have a MUCH healthier relationship to all the things listed above. Including alcohol.
Taking a month off from drinking will not do anything for your mental state. That takes active work on the healing from past trauma. And it won’t really do much for your health, because you will go right back to drinking as you did before. And 30 days is not really long enough to get the health benefits from it.
None of this is easy; not the trauma, not the healing, not the sobriety, not the choices. It all took a HUGE effort on my part. And in sharing this story, I hope to convey that if you are looking to “get clean” or “be sober” that you rethink that journey and consider therapy instead. Just ‘being sober’ or doing a ‘dry month’ will not help, but instead make it harder. And in the end, after you heal from the bulk of your trauma, you can very likely enjoy a drink on occasion, of your own free will.
