I Tried Being Healthy and Stuffed My Face With Chocolate Instead
Hopefully, things look different in another two weeks
Two weeks ago, I wrote a story about being ready to get back to my health. I swore if I didn’t put it out there, if I didn’t make it public, I wouldn’t have anyone to hold me accountable for gaining all the weight I did and for not taking care of myself after my son was born.
Truth is, I put it out there, but only sort of. It’s one of the few stories I didn’t promote on Facebook. It’s one of the few stories I didn’t push out via email to friends and family and it’s the only story I secretly hoped people I knew wouldn’t read.
As of today, it’s gotten less than 25 views, and I’ve been ok with that. It’s so hard to put yourself out there and even when you do, it’s still hard to face up to it when it involves one of your biggest insecurities. For me, that insecurity is the weight of my body. I hate the way I look. I haven’t been able to embrace this postpartum chub and I’m having the hardest time getting rid of it. My weight represents all the hardship we endured after our son was born premature and I just want it gone. It’s a constant reminder of painful times.
So, what have I been doing since I last posted the article about my goal to be healthy again? I’ve been taking longer walks outside, walking and running on a treadmill for at least 30 minutes, three times a week and trying to practice portion control.
What have I not been doing? I haven’t stopped emotionally eating sweets. My son had some breathing issues last week and on the day we were told to take him to emergency, I text messaged a neighbor asking her if she had chocolate in her house I could have. I felt disgusting afterward and knew I was falling back into my old ways.
My son is fine other than a little cold. But the idea of seeing him in a hospital again made me spiral just enough to need to eat to feel better. Why do I do this?!?
Anyway, I wish I was writing about how amazing I felt today and how I can already see those changes in my body and how I mentally found the strength to say no to bad habits, but I’m not. My scale says I’ve gained 4 pounds and my clothes still fit nice and snug.
Hopefully, things look different in another two weeks. I’m planning on trying out the treadmill again tonight. Wish me luck.
