The Hookah Pipes of Jabba: Meaningless Reviews in a Galaxy Even Further Away
Before Disney rebooted the Star Wars Universe, there were a bunch of dog-eared paperbacks describing the adventures of Luke, Leia, Han, etc in the years following the events of the movies. This is a review of one of these stories, which is itself one of nineteen in a series. For the rationale behind such an ill-advised quest, click here. For the previous entry in the series, follow this link here. In this edition, we’ve got spys, Hutts, and braaaaains...
A note regarding the links I use for these posts: most are from the Star Wars wiki, which is known somewhat inevitably as Wookiepeedia. If you’ve ever wanted to read eighty thousand words about Yoda, it’s definitely the place to go, you nerd.
Book five in the series, and the second half of the Agents of Chaos duology, this one is called Jedi Eclipse. Like the last one, it was written by James Luceno.
One of the persistent issues with Star Wars is the heavy reliance on superweapons. Most famous of these are of course the Death Stars from the movies, but the books and video games of the old expanded universe added a whole slew of new ones. They are usually called something grandiose and ominous. There’s the Suncrusher, The Darksaber, The Star Forge, The Eye of Palpatine, the Galaxy Gun, and many more. Despite the high cost and inefficiency of such devices, to say nothing of the amount of resources allocated to their defense, the denizens of the galaxy seem hell-bent on reproducing them.
The original Death Star worked in 1977 as a plot point for two reasons. One was the fact it drew and expanded on the atomic fears of the generations living in the Cold War, but the other was the novelty factor of watching an entire planet get obliterated onscreen. The thing had a power almost unimaginable for moviegoing audiences at the time. It was an effective way of showing the stakes of the movie and the evilness of the Empire.
With every work that came after, with every new superweapon dreamed up by the minds behind the expanded universe, that visceral terror lessened, as the novelty wore off. In addition, the glaring flaws of the superweapons were picked over by fans of the movies, and defended in increasingly complex ways, to the detriment of the story. The most recent movie seemed to exist solely to patch up one of those plot holes, for heaven’s sake.
I am not sure the problem is fixable, as even the new movies have featured superweapons heavily, but I would mention that the best movie in the series (Empire Strikes Back) does not feature any of these devices, nor do many of the better stories from the expanded universe. Freed from the need to blow up something huge, the characters have better arcs.
All that is to say that this novel has one of those superweapons, and that the story suffers for it.
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The Plot:
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Notable Characters — Characters I’ve already described are noted by an asterisk. My notes on these characters can be found here:
The Jedi:
Jacen Solo:* UGH
Wurth Skidder: Brash and headstrong, Skidder is one of the younger Jedi and advocates highly for action, for taking the fight to the agressor. Has a high opinion of himself. In a previous novel he was described as sniffing a lot, though that tic appears to be gone in this one.
The New Republic:
Leia Organa Solo
Han Solo
Thracken Sal-Solo: Han’s cousin. A separatist from Han’s planet Corellia. He’s one of the most annoying characters ever created in the expanded universe.
The Yuuzhan Vong
Nas Choka: A short Yuuzhan Vong with huuuuuuuge legs (seriously, that’s how he’s described), he’s a brilliant tactician and is shrewd at games of misdirection. Despite the title of Supreme Commander of the Yuuzhan Vong, he’s the second highest ranking member of the Yuuzhan Vong military, behind this guy:
Tsavong Lah: The Yuuzhan Vong Warmaster, which is kind of like five star general rolled into secretary of defense. Lah is the primary antagonist of the New Republic in general, the Jedi in particular, and Jacen Solo even more specifically, though he appears but briefly in this one.
Other Affiliations:
Borga The Hutt: Leader of the crime syndicates and the nominal ruler of the collection of planets outside of The New Republic’s jurisdiction known as Hutt Space.
Prince Isolder: Prince of the Hapes Consortium, a matriarchal society of planets founded by space pirates also outside of The New Republic’s jurisdiction. Isolder is a former suitor to Leia. He’s a walking meatbag of machismo.
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Unlike the last novel, this bad boy has a far larger story, with at least three plotlines. Story A is the continuation of the last novel, in which Han and Droma look for Droma’s kinfolk. Story B is the story of Wurth Skidder allowing himself to be captured by the Yuuzhan Vong to find out more about the enemy. Story C is the elaborate dance between the Yuuzhan Vong and The New Republic, with the Hutts acting as an uneasy fulcrum between the two sides.
Story A:
I’m just going to come out and spoil this plotline and tell you that Han and Droma are able to find Droma’s clansmen in the end. It’s really an afterthought in this one.
Story B:
So Wurth gets himself captured by the Yuuzhan Vong but disguises himself as a normal human. Now a slave, Skidder is assigned to a special project. The Yuuzhan Vong are a race that only uses living or bioengineered technology. Instead of an artificial intelligence or some kind of computer for the simulation or coordination of warfare, they have a special creature called a yammosk which is able to telepathically coordinate the movements of the Yuuzhan Vong ships. It’s basically a gigantic brain with some tentacles.
Skidder is part of group tasked with raising and stimulating a young yammosk needed for the war effort. There’s a scene where the slaves are forced to massage the tentacles, and the commander of the yammosk ship keeps increasing the pace that they must move at. It’s this scene, only with tentacles instead of oars:
Story C:
The New Republic is the dominant power in the galaxy, but there are three other major powers that are unaffiliated. They are, in no particular order, the Imperial Remnant, the Hutts, and the Hapes Consortium. This novel deals with the latter two.
By this point in the series, it’s clear that the war is going badly for the New Republic. The Yuuzhan Vong has pushed through the outer rim and into the inner rim, threatening the innermost part of the galaxy, the so-called core worlds. The New Republic fleets are stretched thin, and has been triaging planets, allowing the Yuuzhan Vong to take many of them uncontested.
The Hutts, seeing the way the wind is blowing, throw their lot in with the Yuuzhan Vong, while simultaneously passing along intelligence to the New Republic. They’re attempting to play both sides. A brief passage describes the plight of the Hutt envoy in the New Republic trying to get home, fretting over some hookah pipes that had once belonged to Jabba. I never once in my life thought I’d write that sentence.
The Senator Viqi Shesh also turns traitor, believing that the Yuuzhan Vong will win the war. This doesn’t make sense to me, because the New Republic has a bunch of plans that would work against the Yuuzhan Vong but then are foiled by Shesh. If she had just stayed home, the New Republic probably could’ve just won a series of battles, bringing the war to a swift conclusion.
Leia is sent to the Hapes Consortium in the hopes she’ll be able to bring the Hapans — and their large navy — into the fray. It helps that her suitor is a prince of the cluster.
About that suitor — Isolder is a textbook definition of toxic masculinity. He’s violent, vainglorious, and arrogant, though he disguises it as being honor bound and excuses it, as is so often the case, by stating that it is a natural and healthy part of the Hapan lifestyle. Leia spends the entire time with Isolder rolling her eyes at him and his machismo.
After a welcome break from Jacen Solo in the last book, he returns with a vengeance in this one, which brings us to…..
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Death Star Watch:
Sometimes you gotta blow up a planet or two
The doomsday weapon of choice in this one is called Centerpoint Station, which is an ancient relic, capable of moving planets around and inducing stars to go nova. It’s also capable of preventing ships from fleeing to hyperspace, and the New Republic devises a trap for the Yuuzhan Vong utilizing that feature. The only person capable of activating the station is Anakin Solo (more on that in a second). With the intelligence furnished by Shesh, the Vong don’t spring the trap, but instead attack a nearby shipyard, destroying most of it and destroying quite a few ships in the process. Still, the yard is close enough that Centerpoint station could fire a blast and wipe out the Yuuzhan Vong. Anakin thinks about it, and has the angle plotted, but is talked out of firing it by Jacen. Then Thracken Sal-Solo pushes Anakin out of the way and fires the weapon. He misses, instead destroying almost all of the Hapan fleet, half of the Yuuzhan Vong, and a good portion of one of the nearby moons in the process.
Death Star Count for Jedi Eclipse: .25
Death Star Count for The New Jedi Order: 3.25
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Jar Jar Binks Award for worst addition to the galaxy:
When shooting your shot leads to Han shot first
Like I said before, Centerpoint station could only be activated by Anakin. This is because Anakin imprinted on the system in one of the earlier books in the expanded universe. He was eight at the time. That’s right, one of the most powerful things in the galaxy fell under the control of an eight year old. This is an example of a lot of the bullshit that The New Jedi Order was created to correct or to erase from the record. It’s so dumb.
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Final Thoughts/Recommendation:
This one has a heavy theme of deception and subterfuge that would be right at home in a Le Carre novel, though it’s not nearly as tense nor as clever. Despite these themes, the novel is mostly one about choice. Whether individual, group, or institutional, the war has forced decisions from every level of society — to acquiesce, to fight, to turn traitor, to act, to remain still. The choices, while not always rational — what choice always is — are well turned, and all will have major consequences down the line. I’d say read this one.
This has been Meaningless Reviews in a Galaxy Even Further away, In which I read through the entirety of The New Jedi Order and write about it.
