10 Effective Ways to Break the Toxic Habit of Being a People-Pleaser (Part One)
In this part of the strategy, we discuss how to know your self-worth and deal with your emotions in order to save yourself from being a people-pleaser.
As we discussed in the previous article, being a people-pleaser is a toxic way of living life and it makes your life a living hell. Read it here if you haven’t already.
And as promised, here I am with a strategy on how to break free from the habit of people-pleasing and live a joyful and balanced life. I have divided the entire strategy into 2 stories (articles):
- Dealing with yourself (this article)
- Dealing with others (Read it here)
But before we go further, I would like to share a 4-liner on people-pleasers and their predicament:
I always put others’ needs ahead of mine,
Eager to please them to their heart's content.
Often it is my happiness that I decline,
While I harbor feelings of resentment.10 Signs that tell if you are a people-pleaser
If you relate to the definition of a people-pleaser in my last article, there are some signs you might want to be aware of that indicate you are a yes-man before we delve into ways of breaking the harmful cycle of people-pleasing.
Here are 10 major signs of being a people-pleaser you need to be aware of:
- You find it difficult to say ‘no’ to people.
- You lack self-esteem and depend on others for approval.
- You try to avoid conflicts at all costs.
- You take the blame for others’ faults and apologize for others’ mistakes.
- You are always ready to help others.
- You agree with others all the time and withhold your opinions, and lose your identity.
- You have a hard time setting healthy boundaries.
- You feel guilty when others are not happy or depressed.
- You worry that others will call you selfish.
- You don’t have free time.
If any of these behaviors resonate with you and how you see yourself, it is time you take the rein in your hands and allow yourself to get away from the toxic habit of people-pleasing. Read through both stories to find out how.
Ways to Overcome Your People-Pleasing Tendencies
You have spent your entire life till now as a people-pleaser. Don’t expect to change things overnight. It is difficult. It takes time and effort.
Before knowing how to deal with others, we need to learn to deal with ourselves. People-pleasing tendencies often surface out of our own lack of self-esteem, insecurities, and fear of rejection.
Let’s explore the first part of the strategy in this article.
Part One: Dealing with Yourself
1. Accept you are a people-pleaser and find out the underlying reasons
The very first step is to look out for signs we discussed earlier and accept that you are a people-pleaser and it is ruining your life. Unless you acknowledge this fact, nothing can be done about it. Go deep into yourself and find the fundamental causes of your behavior.
Ask yourself what motivates you to help others. Are you really concerned for them? Or you are just afraid people might not approve of you, like you the way you are, or you are acting out of some past failures. If it’s the latter, you need to be aware of how it affects you so that you can change your behavior. Remember that you always have a choice.
2. Don’t be afraid of being yourself
One of the most common causes of such behavior is that we lack self-esteem and don’t think we are as important as others. In our constant need for approval and fear of rejection, we often forget our own worth.
You need to say this to yourself often: “I am worthy. I matter.” If you won’t respect yourself, no one else will.
As Dostoyevsky says, “If you want to be respected by others, the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you.”
According to research, the need for approval causes us anxiety, kills our self-esteem, lowers our focus, and lose our identity, all without an actual guarantee of approval.
I would suggest you do the following to gain self-esteem:
- Be your authentic self and enjoy being with yourself.
- Don’t seek approval from others constantly.
- Don’t consider failure or rejection as final.
- Dedicate yourself to your goals.
3. Set clear goals and priorities
It brings us to another important step to taking control of your time and energy, which is to have your goals defined, both short-term and long-term. If you do not put your priorities straight, you might think you have time for others, but in reality, it is just that you are not aware of what you want and haven’t written down your goals.
“If you have a goal, write it down. If you do not write it down, you do not have a goal — you have a wish.” — Steve Maraboli
The best way to define your goals is to write them down and always keep them in front of you. Write down your goals clearly for every day of the week, even weekends. You can even keep time aside for doing nothing since it is time where you rejuvenate yourself. In that case, mention in your list: “Do Nothing.”
The next time someone asks for help or invites you somewhere you don’t want to go to, you can check your calendar right away and assess the request while keeping your priorities in mind.
Saying no to things would become easier if you know what you need to say yes to. By having goals you would know your priorities and avert things or people that do not align with your goals.
4. Manage your emotions and practice self-care
I know you don’t want to be labeled as ‘the selfish jerk’ so you are intent on helping others even at the expense of your time and energy.
But putting yourself first isn’t being selfish. It is called self-care and in the process, you are boosting your self-worth and breaking away from the toxic habit of people-pleasing.
Don’t feel guilty when you are ignoring others and spending more time on your own needs and desires. There is a possibility of others getting hurt, but ignoring your needs is a sure-shot way of hurting yourself.
Instead of frenziedly looking for people to help, control your emotions and prioritize your physical and mental well-being by doing things that bring you joy such as recreational activities, exercise, yoga, and mindful meditation. Spend time with your family and friends instead of pleasing others for their approval.
While you embark on the journey of boosting your self-esteem toward a meaningful life, keep watching this space for updates. I will publish the second part of this article soon.
Update: I have published the second part of this article. (Click here to read it)
End Note
Dear readers,
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