10 Effective Ways to Break the Toxic Habit of Being a People-Pleaser (Part Two)
In this part of the strategy, we discuss how you can deal with the outside world to gain freedom from your people-pleasing tendencies.
In the previous part of this article, we learned to deal with ourselves, our lack of self-esteem, and our irrational emotions.
Now that you have learned to conquer your constant need for approval and the fear of rejection, let me walk you through the techniques for dealing with people who are too inconsiderate to realize you have a life too and keep asking for undue favors.
This article covers Part Two (dealing with others) and the last part of the effective strategy for breaking free from the toxic habit of people-pleasing.
Now without any more delay, let’s get into the ways to deal with others in our quest to be our own person.
Ways to Overcome Your People-Pleasing Tendencies (contd. from the previous article)
Part Two: Dealing with Others
5. Confidently say NO without giving excuses
Yes, you people-pleasers, there is a word in the dictionary, ‘No’. Stop saying yes to everything and everyone all the time. Saying no is easier than you think. NO is a 2-letter word while YES is a 3-letter word. Be a woman (or man) of fewer letters.
I know, initially, it will be difficult to say no. I’ve been there and have had a hard time declining requests and invites just so I can read a book in peace. However, saying no comes with its own perks. It would help you be more aware of your own worth and conquer your people-pleasing obsessions.
Another mistake people-pleasers make is saying “I am not sure” or complementing their no with excuses. “No, I can’t make it because…. blah, blah, blah… “. They forget that ‘No.’ is a complete sentence in itself. Just say no. Period.
The more you are indecisive, the more they will push your limits and insist on saying yes. And the more excuses you make, the more they will be able to deflate your explanations and turn your no into a yes.
Okay. Maybe I am being a bit too harsh. If saying no bluntly is too difficult, rehearse saying no in different ways in advance. You could also try these polite ways instead:
“I am sorry, but my calendar is full.”
“I have other plans. Thanks, anyway.”
“Thank you for considering me, but I will pass.”
“I will go there with you some other time.”
6. Be assertive in your communication (not aggressive)
Most people-pleasers struggle to say no since they can’t communicate their needs and opinions clearly and confidently. It’s particularly challenging for them since their primary concern is to be liked by everyone and fear they might seem aggressive or rude if they assert themselves. They often let their emotions get the better of them.
On the contrary, being assertive is all about communicating respectfully and clearly to get across your message. Stating your opinion assertively doesn’t mean that other people are wrong. It means that you are in control of your emotions and you know your self-worth.
I am by no means asking you to use aggression. There is a fine line between aggression and assertiveness. The difference lies in the intention. While aggression is mostly used for winning regardless of others’ rights and feelings, being assertive is finding a balance between your needs and others’ needs.
I know it’s difficult for most ‘friendlies’ to learn to be assertive overnight and teaching assertiveness would take an entire article or a series of articles, and some therapy. Still, in a nutshell, I would like to provide some tips that you can use to be assertive without being aggressive:
- Know your self-worth.
- Listen carefully to others and say what you need clearly and confidently.
- Communicate positively and take care of your tone.
- Be mindful of your body language.
- Accept criticism graciously.
- Accept others as they are.
- Learn to say ‘No’ when necessary.
- Check your progress regularly.
7. Don’t say yes right away. Take your time.
Consider this conversation:
Person A: "Hey, can you help me with this?"
Person B (Anti-pleaser): "Ummm… Let me see.
My calendar is full.
I am upto my neck with priorities.
Get back to me in a year, or maybe never?"Just kidding.
But seriously, it is crucial for people-pleasers not to respond instantly to a request or invitation since committing to something you don’t want to do or don’t have enough time for will make you regret it later and mad at yourself and others. This leads to passive-aggressive behavior. Instead, do what I do.
When someone requests me for help or invites me somewhere, instead of saying yes immediately, I say something like this:
“I’ll check my schedule and get back to you.” or “I’ll have to discuss it with my partner before I can reply.”
It gives me time to be aware of my feelings and check my calendar to see if it aligns with my priorities and goals. I have found it is much better than saying yes right away and regretting it later.
A research study conducted by Dr. Tobias Teichert and team has shown that adding a delay before responding gives you more time to collect information and makes you a better decision-maker.
“Basically, by delaying decision onset — simply by doing nothing — you are more likely to make a correct decision,” said Dr. Teichert. He also added, “This might be the first scientific study to justify procrastination.”
Even after delaying the response and taking your time, if you feel you won’t be able to decline the request in person, do it over a polite text message. Saying “no” by text can be easier than in person.
8. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
I know it is one of the most challenging tasks to set boundaries for people-pleasers since they don’t want to be seen as selfish and feel guilty for hurting others.
But consider this:
If you do not have boundaries and do what others ask of you all the time, your life will be rotten and meaningless. You will lose your authenticity.
Clearly defining what not to do is as much important as defining what to do. Along with defining goals and priorities, you need to set your boundaries and be clear about what you don’t want to do.
“Our boundaries define our personal space — and we need to be sovereign there in order to be able to step into our full power and potential.” — Jessica Moore
Before you jump into consenting to favors, ask yourself these questions:
- Is it really something I want to do? (your desires and preferences)
- Does it align with my goals and priorities? (your to-do list)
- Will I get time to take care of myself if I am overloaded with obligations? (self-care)
- Will doing this make me feel proud or resentful? (authenticity)
Answering these questions will help you define boundaries and rise above your people-pleasing traits. It will also help you deal with toxic people who have a habit of pushing others’ boundaries. Clearly communicating that they have gone off limits and that you are not up to the task will make them take a step back.
Remember that it might be scary initially and you might lose some relationships (which were fake, anyway), but if you don’t do it now, you will be a pushover for the rest of your life.
9. If it’s not your fault, DO NOT apologize.
‘Sorry’ is a go-to word for most people-pleasers and they throw it around like there is no tomorrow in an attempt to make people like them better and get their approval. But it’s far from the truth.
It is quite the reverse. Saying sorry excessively makes people have a lower opinion of you. It irritates them and you lose self-respect. It even makes your future apologies ineffective.
This is not to say you should never admit to your faults and apologize for them. We all goof up at times and have to acknowledge our mistakes. The trick is to be aware of what you need to apologize for.
Say, for instance, you went to the movies with your friends and upon reaching there you find out all tickets are sold out. It’s not your fault and there is no need to apologize.
But if you are really at fault, confess it genuinely and promise to make amends. It is never easy to admit that you’re wrong, but it shows that you are emotionally mature and understand others.
“A meaningful apology is one that communicates three R’s: regret, responsibility, and remedy.” ― Beverly Engel, The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships
10. Be kind for the sake of being kind
Lastly, I would like to make it clear that the point of this article is not to be unkind. But we are often kind to others just because we want their approval and fear rejection. So the point is to consider your intentions and motivations when you help them.
Kindness should never come out of any ulterior motive but the desire to make others’ lives better. The help is only genuine if both parties involved are happy. It’s a burden if it breeds resentment.
Remember, most people-pleasers feel that their life is empty and try to fill that emptiness by people-pleasing. They forget that it will only make their life more miserable. The solution is to have a meaningful purpose in your life, the fulfillment of which will keep you busy and bring you real joy.
“Help others without any reason and give without the expectation of receiving anything in return.” — Roy T. Bennett
At the end of the day, remember that you can’t please everyone out there and it’s none of your concern. Obsessive people-pleasing is a toxic habit and takes a toll on your physical as well as mental well-being. Stop being the go-to guy (or girl) for everyone and keep in mind that self-love and self-care will go a long way in having a meaningful and fulfilled life.
End Note
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