Oh Brother…

It is clear that this will just be the first in a series of posts about um… let’s call it “brotherly love.” What a complex, complicated, multi-layer relationship it is and I’m sure it will always be. But I want my boys to know, when they read this one day, that there relationship has almost always been that way.

For the first six or so months after Nemo came home, Tigger thought of him mostly as an inanimate object that could and should be put away. When I was holding my sweet baby during a nap I would hear “Put Nemo away!” or when Nemo was practicing sitting up with some toys, big brother would say “Put him back in your tummy.” Tigger was never rough with Nemo, I never had to worry about what my big kid might do to my infant, mostly because he did not really acknowledge Nemo’s existence. Then as Nemo started to crawl, Tigger started to think of him as a living thing, but not necessarily part of his inner circle. Nemo on the other hand was immediately Tigger’s biggest fan.

As soon as he could crawl Nemo wanted to be near Tigger. All Tigger had to do was walk into the room and Nemo would light up and crawl, toddle, or scoot towards him. Tigger, like most big brother’s was inconsistent with his reaction. Sometimes he welcomed Nemo’s advances and sometimes he ran away. Tigger was always excited to commentate on what Nemo was doing, but he never actually interacted with him until Nemo just wouldn’t be ignored.

Ever since Nemo could walk, his main goal in life has been to be where ever his hero is. Nemo’s persistence has been a great support to Tigger and has actually helped Tigger improve his reciprocal interaction skills. Tigger always had difficulty sticking up for himself in social situations. If another child pushed him, hit him, or took something from him, he did not defend himself or express himself. He simply walked away, with a confused expression on his face. But having a younger brother around to constantly challenge him, has helped him learn to defend himself with his words, which has translated well to other social arenas, thank in large part to a very adoring younger brother. I am so happy when I hear the loud “No, I was playing with that!” or “I don’t like that, don’t hit!”

Now, while that is awesome that Tigger is able to speak up for himself, and in someway it is terrific that Nemo is challenging him, it is also exhausting as a parent. I never realized how difficult the sibling relationship was going to be to manage as a parent. I am the middle child between two brothers. We fought… a lot, and my parents hardly ever got involved. I remember being so upset that my brother would hit me or do other acts of injustice, and when I told my parents they would usually say that I was egging him on and for us to just stay away from each other. In truth, I’m pretty sure that I was egging him on, in fact, I think my presence in his near vicinity was enough to “egg him on.”

Now that I have my own children, I see the beauty in not getting involved, because for the most part, someone is always antagonizing the other one. It seems like the best thing to do is just let them figure it out amongst themselves. The problem is that, I have a really hard time just letting things go. It infuriates me when I see one of my children hurting the other one, but I am learning that my involvement only complicates matters. Once I get involved it actually leads to a prolonged and intense game of “who-can-get-the-other-in-trouble-first,” and I am always the loser of that game.

Nemo desires interaction with Tigger so much that he will literally “fight” for it. When I was teaching I mistakenly assumed that it was parents or older siblings who taught the little boys how to wrestle. I told my husband when Tigger was born that I didn’t want him to wrestle with Tigger, because I didn’t want him to grow up and wrestle with other kids at school. Well, I’ve since learned that no one has to actually teach a little guy to wrestle. Nemo has this deep need to wrestle. When Nemo turned eighteen months he was already practicing his moves by walking into his brother like a steamroller. He is really perfecting them now as he nears two years. He gets this upside down teeth bearing smile as he comes up behind or to the side and bear hugs as hard as he can with his goal to pull his brother to the ground. He has this look of pure determination that just makes me laugh, because Tigger is much bigger and is almost impossible for Nemo to move. I almost wish Tigger would wrestle him back, because then I feel like it would be fair. Nemo would get what he wanted- to roll around on the floor with his favorite person, and I could more easily ignore it, because they would work it out together.

The problem is that Tigger has no interest in this wrestling game and he just plain doesn’t understand it. He laughs and says “Nemo stop! I don’t want to wrestle!” Nemo, with his complete determination, will not be stopped. So, what do I do here? Well after several frustrating rounds of “time-outs,” that just leave me feeling bad for poor Nemo, who just wants to roll around with his hero, I’ve decided that I need to be the one to wrestle him. It is so clear that this desire to wrestle is not malicious, it is just a physical expression or exploration that he really needs. So now after telling my husband not to wrestle our kids for four years, I now find myself either saying “Hey love, can you wrestle with Nemo for a little bit?” Or I am rolling around on the ground with him myself.

Tigger’s love for Nemo grows every day. I can actually say that they are real friends who have real heart felt hugs, back and forth conversations, and take a lot of pleasure in making one another laugh. I’m so happy that they have each other, even though their combined energy and sometime contrasting needs can make me a little crazy. I look forward to watching their relationship grow and change throughout the years, but I am quite sure that they will always be good friends as well as brothers.