Swinging and Security: How We Keep Our Lifestyle Private
Privacy for those of us in the lifestyle is super serious and not a laughing matter.
The very disturbing Wisconsin women’s volleyball team “scandal” (if you want to call it that) has disturbed Lauren and me to our cores. That young women in moments of joy, albeit doing things they shouldn’t do in front of cameras, have been exposed in this way is appalling. What’s now out there in the way of the videos of these young women, sadly, cannot be undone. Our hearts break for these young women and their families
When situations like this happen, we invariably have a conversation about our lifestyle. Lauren and I have discussed at length the risks associated with our lifestyle at a time when anything can be caught on camera and, within seconds, uploaded to a “free” porn site for all to see — or shared with others not in the trusted circle.
When we started swinging at clubs with other couples in 2009, cameras/phones weren’t really a huge deal. People, before playing with each other, just dropped their phones on a table, in a basket, etc., or perhaps they kept their phone where their clothes were, and that was that. No one really worried.
I want to say before I go any further that Lauren and I have nothing against cameras in bed. Over 22 years of marriage, we have shot our fair share of homemade sex tapes, spanning from 2004 to today. All of them are extremely graphic, some of them fetishy, and almost all of them show our faces. We have always kept our sex tapes restricted to just us, with a few notable exceptions that were backed by legal agreements. And we store the files very securely.
Anyway, in my 17 rules of swinging post, I stated under rule 11:
Cameras off
Under no circumstances can cameras, phones, etc. be brought into the bedroom unless it’s just Lauren and me. No exceptions.
Probably in 2012 or 2013, as phones started to dominate the wider culture, the rules within “couples” (read: swinging) situations started to change. In “play areas” within clubs, phones started getting collected at the door — no exceptions. Security increased quite a bit, because being a member isn’t cheap and the clubs want to protect their asses from liability. We still go to clubs now and then and everyone parts way with their phone as they enter play areas, undress and start to enjoy each other. If you have kids at home and need to check in with them, you have to go to the designated area where your phone is kept to place your call/send your text. No exceptions.
In less formal environments, such as others’ homes (where we are increasingly now active), it all depends. While rules may vary, an across-the-board mandate is that phones don’t go into play areas and, in some situations, you have to remove your clothes and wear a robe before entering. We’ve been in situations where phones must be turned off (to prevent Bluetooth camera/speaker use) and then handed to the host for secure storage.
We will no longer enter a home for a couples’ party unless we know the owner very well. The risk of in-home cameras is too great.
If we are hosting a party, we collect everyone’s phones in a bag and then place the bag in our safe until all of the fun is done.
Probably five times we’ve been in situations where we had to wear masks per a requirement. In one of those instances, the gratuitous sex was off-putting. Masking up for parties isn’t our thing. Plus, masks make oral sex a bit more complicated. No thanks to masks.
In nearly 13 years of this lifestyle, swinging with more than 100 couples, we have never seen anyone violate a no-camera/phone rule or even suggest that a camera/phone come into the play area.
Another safeguard: Lauren and I usually swing with other couples like us — higher-income professionals who tend to be married and have kids. By swinging with higher-income professionals with kids, we know they have just as much as we do to lose if a video was ever shot and shared. It’s that old rule of “mutually assured destruction.” They care about just as much about their privacy as we do.
In the end, there are no guarantees. That’s why we are increasingly swinging only with couples we know well. If a couple we don’t know well joins the fun, we watch them closely, ask lots of questions and confirm they are bought into the rules.
But it’s a risk and we do worry because, as with the Wisconsin volleyball team situation, it just takes one leak.
We are increasingly struggling with the risks of our lifestyle, which saddens us because it’s so much fun, has introduced us to so many great friends, and is so sexy. The risks are getting to be too much.
