Let Me Love You

They’ve got me surrounded.

I’m surrounded by my best friends. I moved to San Jose with 20 people and I am very lucky to have moved with such a large support group. These people would come to my aid without hesitation, I don’t doubt that for a second. They’ve helped me grow up, move forward, and become a person in this last year. They paid my rent when I was jobless and couldn’t, they let me cry on their couches when I broke up with my girlfriend, they discipled me when I was a faithless jerk, and they loved me when I was an asshole (which happens a lot more than I’d like to admit). To this day I would go on record saying that I have the best family of friends a human being could have.

I’ve got it pretty good.

However, I can see that all the blessings in the world don’t stop me from finding a problem that isn’t there.

I find that it’s easy for me to isolate and convince myself that I’m left out, a burden, or annoying. I’ll sit in the corner and get pissed at my friends, and pick out everything that bothers me in the group. I’ll pity myself and how much I’m “picked on.” I’ll take on the role of scapegoat, even though it’s not a role that’s being presented. Most importantly I’ll convince myself that I’m expendable — that this group would not only be better without me, but they’d prefer it.

When I’m not in those moments I laugh at myself, my immaturity, and my insecurity. I’ve found that this is one of the biggest problems I struggle with, in a pretty predictable cycle. I’ll get all mopey, realize what I’m doing, change it, then do it all again in 2 months. It’s sad that even though I can predict it,

I still let it happen.

Now that I’m looking objectively at this from a distance, I see that the issue brings up three major questions. Questions I’m trying to ask myself in my low moments (or leading to them) to prevent this cycle from affecting me like it has.

I’m going to try and explain what three questions I ask myself, and how I look at these questions in my moments of weakness:

Where does this necessity of self-deprecation come from?

You will find out very quickly that I’m not a psychologist. I don’t understand the human mind or emotions, and I’m not trying to act like I have authority on this topic. I’m just looking at myself, and explaining that process. I’m also not going to go into too much detail about what my brain does, mostly because I don’t have the intelligence (or stability) to be able to process it.

I believe that my self-deprecation comes from two different places:

1. My need (and I mean need) for attention.

Whether it stems from my father/abandonment issues, or just being an emotional guy with low self-esteem, I had kind of a rough start in my youth. I’m not going to go into too much detail about the severity of each of those, but they are all probable causes.

Each of these things has had a different role in causing me to feel like I need to be exceptional to be loved.

These stems all created a desire in me from a young age to want to be noticed, and left a misunderstanding about what that actually means. I think everyone has the desire to be wanted and loved, but what I’m suggesting is that I ignore what I receive because it isn’t enough or because I don’t recognize what genuine attention is. I’m a 20 year old guy who still doesn’t really know what it’s like to be a decent man, because I haven’t (until recently) been around that example, nor have I been receptive when it was available. I don’t always know how to act in a group setting without trying to be the loudest, smartest, or funniest person in the setting. This becomes extremely difficult in groups where someone is smarter, funnier, nicer, or more outgoing than myself. When I don’t get what attention I’m subconsciously desiring, I start to try and justify why. That usually turns to me looking at what I may have done wrong. Was I not good enough, funny enough, or nice enough? Then it starts, the internal voice of loathing and pity. “Do better, be better, why aren’t you good enough, why didn’t you say something funnier, what’s wrong with you?”

2. The comparison game.

The game that no one wins. The game that has ruined more friendships, relationships, or dreams than anything else in my life.

I’m pretty confident that I’m not the only one who does this; one visit to any social media site will show you a world of comparisons and judgment. The curse of being around people who you find attractive. The qualities that you love in the people around you are the same ones that you use against yourself in low points. I’m pretty much the master of the comparison game. I’ll find everything I think is better in someone else, and take myself down for not being on that perceived level.

Being a musician brings out the comparison game in me as well. It’s a surprisingly competitive passion. I know that I’m not the best guitar player or singer, but I still find that I don’t let myself grow as a musician because I don’t think I’ll ever arrive to a point that probably doesn’t even actually exist. The people I live with and work with are some of the most intelligent and talented people I know. As much of a blessing as that is, I find that I let it hurt me more than I appreciate it.

My roommate is one of the most passionate people I’ve ever met. He’s younger than me, and I find that I aspire to be like him more than my pride would let me admit. He’s a guy that people want to be around. He’s incredibly smart, humble, and knows the Bible better than some of the pastors I’ve met in my life. I’m lucky to have him as a friend. Unfortunately, instead of using and appreciating that friendship to grow as a person, I look at him with a shitty attitude most of the time. I get jealous and angry at him for reasons that I cannot justify. What it really comes down to is that I’m jealous of him because of comparisons I’ve made that should never have been brought up.

I’m confident that our friendship would be in a very different place at this point (I’m not saying it’s not good, he’s one of my best friends) if something hadn’t gotten in the way.

Me.

When I let the voice in my head tell me that I’ll never be as good as this person or that person, I effectively and single handedly prevent myself from growing or being my own person.

When we play this game we see things in people that aren’t always there, we see perfection that doesn’t exist, and we see the qualities we think we lack. This in turn makes us feel inadequate, insignificant, and ultimately worthless.

Are the people around me really leaving me out, or am I just unintentionally making myself unavailable for them to be a part of my life?

The question is also kind of the answer in this situation. It’s a self explanatory cause, with no easy solution.

When I am able to take a step back and look at the times when I’ve felt the most isolated, alone, or left out I often find answers that I don’t like. When I was really lonely and mad at my friends for not seeking me out for plans, did they really ditch me, or did I hide away in my room and sulk so they couldn’t invite me? When we all hung out and I felt like I was being ignored, was it true, or was I being quieter than normal because of how upset I was?

The tricky part of this question is that the problem creates the problem. It’s a viscous cycle that only gets worse. When I’m in those group settings and I feel like I’m being left out, my initial reaction is to quiet down and step back. At this point I have unintentionally isolated myself, and started the cycle. If I were hanging out with friends and one of them began to step back and quiet down, I would most likely assume something was wrong and try to give them the space they look like they need. So by convincing myself that I’m left out and reacting poorly to it, I’ve made it seem like I want to be left out and only pushed it further. Now I’ve brought myself to the outskirts of the group sitting and living in my head about how upset I am over them not trying to include me, but not really giving them the chance to do so.

What I’ve begun to try lately is to stop the process before it starts. The moment I feel this coming, I immediately throw myself in the group. I’ll try and jump in on a conversation, ask someone how their day/life/job is, or anything else that will force me to be a person and contribute to the setting. Rarely does this end up proving my insecure suspicions were correct, but instead shows me how wrong I was and that my worry/anger was over nothing.

The key here is that instead of being pissed off at my friends and pointing the finger at them, I first have to make sure that I’m welcoming them to include me. I’ve got to look at myself before I write them all off as jerks, becuase most of the time I’m the one being a jerk.

Creating an environment of wanting to contribute and be a part of the group is such a better alternative to stepping away from it.

I do feel the need to stress something important on the other side of this. I don’t want anyone to read this and take away that it’s all your fault and you suck at being a friend if you’ve ever felt like what I’m describing. I’m not saying that at all, simply explaining my circumstances most of the time. There are also times when the group is cliquey and can unintentionally leave me or someone else out. It’s almost always unintentional, and can again be solved my simply talking about it.

How long will I let my discontent define me?

What led to me writing this post and looking at myself in a very real and very raw way, was this question. My pastor asked this question a few weeks ago in church, and it popped into my head as I thought about what I need to do to stop the cycle of letting myself slip into the background.

How long will I let my anger be who I am?

How long will I let my depression, anxiety, insecurity, and apathy run the show?

This question is both incredibly simple, and incredibly difficult.

The simple part is the answer. If I don’t want to let this problem define me any longer, then I’m going to change it.

Just change it.

I’m not saying that I know what that means for me or for anyone else, but I do believe that as long as I am looking for a solution, I will eventually find one (or at least get better at handling this problem along the way). I am a very strong believer in the action and process, not the result. I think that when I recognized that I have this problem, the problem became easier to manage.

…Notice how I didn’t say the problem got solved?

I still go through it, and I’m still finding my way around it. I will say that since I’ve started looking at the issue as objectively as I can, that it doesn’t last as long. It doesn’t hit as hard, and it doesn’t hurt as much. When I feel it starting, I can try and tell myself that the problem isn’t there. I can tell myself to grow up and to not let this problem define my person.

I have to be willing to stop the cycle for the cycle to stop.

I do not have a pretty bow to wrap this up. I don’t intend on ever trying to tell anyone that they should do it my way and that things will get better. I’m just trying to share my story, and let you all in on my head. I think that there are many ways to handle a problem like the one I discussed today, and I think there are more causes than I listed above. This isn’t about me wanting to be the ultimate resource for advice or to make myself feel like I have the answers, this is about me talking through what I’ve experienced.

I know that it’s not interesting to everyone, but I think it’s worth sharing.

-Maveryke

As I continue to write about my life and share my story with you I have a favor to ask. If this meant anything to you, if you liked it, or if you know anyone who you think should read it, please share it.

I appreciate all the support I can get, so please recommend, share, and tell your friends about this. Thanks Everyone!

PREVIOUS POST: Dolla Dolla Bills, Y’all