Rumination: Source of Depression
The article Productivity: Depression Amplifier? was inspired by the following experience.
I woke up Wednesday with an intense depression, the kind where my only comfort came from the idea of going back to sleep. Familiar feelings of failure and self-deprecation grew out of a sense that all of my preparation for my trip was not enough. I cleaned. I packed. I made Goodwill trips. I filtered out everything I didn’t need. With two days to spare, all I had left to do was clean and load my car. For all intents and purposes, I was successful — I just didn’t feel like it.
In feeling a lack of accomplishment, I couldn’t stop thinking about all the different ways to approach cleaning. I kept thinking about how much money it would cost if I had to repair something and if that money would influence my trip. I kept thinking about how I could forget something or not load my car right or have to toss something important to me. As I mentioned in the article Anxiety, Hatred, and Forgiveness, my reaction to stress is often to freeze up and shut down. Fortunately, shutting down was not an option on this day.
On Wednesday, I was forced out of the house by a doctor’s appointment. At the hospital I still couldn’t shake the negativity, so I carried it with me back home. When I returned, my goal to sleep and skirt responsibility was blocked by the new owner of the condo. I forgot that she had planned to have a contractor over to give her a bid for remodeling. I gave into her inescapable presence and started a conversation about her renovation. The conversation developed so organically that eventually I stopped the cycle of negativity.
What I had been experiencing Wednesday morning was rumination, a type of obsessive thinking some people develop as a response to stress. Obsessive thinking is the type of activity that amplifies depression and keeps it around well beyond its welcome. When I finally broke my rumination, I still felt down and unaccomplished, but my interaction with the new owner created enough space for me to disengage just enough to refocus on what I needed to get done.
I’ve noticed that, for me, authentic engagement in conversation is always the best way to break ruminating thoughts. When I get so deeply involved with a conversation that I forget to be self-conscious about my current state, then my thoughts naturally let go. However, it is the word authentic that is the challenge here. To try to engage authentically is, in itself, an inauthentic act, and, therefore, unhelpful.
The catalyst for the disengagement of my own ruminating thoughts must be unexpected for it to be effective. In order to promote as many unexpected situations as possible, it is important for me to fight against the depression enough to participate in community life. That is not to say that I to go every party and social event, but it is important that I make efforts to develop relationships and surround myself by people I feel comfortable around. For as many years as I isolated myself to protect myself, this is the first where I am truly coming to understand the value of personal interaction.
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