Honest illusion.
It’s rare for me to publish a recent piece out of my draft but I started writing this one just after I dropped Validation last week, I’d decided to consistently publish weekly because I love the buzz that comes from letting y’all have a sneak peek at my mind. This piece is supposed to encourage all of us. I’ve had the toughest last few weeks, I’ve cried more times than I’d like to admit. This piece is for everyone stuck at a crossroad.
“Your anxiety is lying to you”. I saw that quote a week ago and it annoyed me so much because it is such a blatant lie if I’ve ever heard one. But you know what was even more annoying? The fact that I couldn’t ‘unsee’ it. At this point in my life, I’m learning to trust my instincts so when I’m stuck on something, there has to be some treasure in it.
You see the thing about having negative thoughts? You know the truth, but it doesn’t stop the occasional wave of doubt that leaves you disoriented. You know that God loves you and cannot leave you stranded but it doesn’t stop you from feeling alone sometimes, You know that all would be well and even your last 1k cannot really be your last 1k but you still panic at the thought of being that broke. You applied for that job and you know you are qualified but you still break out in cold sweat when you are called for an interview. You can speak fluently every other day but you suddenly become tongue-tied when someone asks you to lead prayers out of the blue and you end up repeating “daddy Lord” 100 times (this one is always funny😂😂) you know how “Omo” has become your favourite slang because you are constantly short of words and “Omo” is ever ready to save the day😩😩 I really think all of us in our 20’s need a day off to just sit in round circle, hold ice block on our head and talk about how life is giving us ‘woto woto’
Jokes apart. 20-something is hard, why did we want to be grown up so bad? Why did adulting look so glamorous? Why did we think we would automatically grow up to be rich aunties? Why didn’t they tell us that we would be responsible for making tough decisions and have to live with the consequences of our choices? Me I just wanted to be eating two meat, Wearing fine clothes and nice designer perfumes that will announce my arrival to visit family and dash the children crisps 1k notes when I’m leaving (I thought money will fall like manna) I did not sign up for all this Wahala o!
You see? We can’t help but have negative thoughts, even when we know the truth we over think and we over worry because “The devil you know” is a syndrome that keeps the mind in captive. You have danced so much with rejections and disappointments that you would rather hold on to them than dare hope that there could be light at the end of the tunnel. The darkness is now a familiar solace. You know all the right words, all the motivation needed to come out from it but maybe you do like captivity or maybe this piece is not about pulling out but acknowledging every single emotion, doubt and fear that keeps us trapped.
“Your anxiety is lying to you” feels like a sugar-coated statement. Why am I disregarding my fears and doubt as though they are not valid? Why am I to pretend like I’m not affected by how tough it is to be born Nigerian and to survive living in Nigeria. Why are we posting affirmations on WhatsApp everyday if we are still crying ourselves to sleep at night? Okay. now, I’m being pessimistic but I’m sure you get the point. It is like asking me to say ‘a broken plate is not broken’ will be make it brand new. Don’t get me wrong, I love affirmations but I believe we are helped by the Holy spirit to truly “faith” them. Posting them doesn’t always translate to believing them.
Honest illusion is an oxymoron, a contradiction of two opposing meanings but so is “Your anxiety is lying to you”. We know the truth but choose to believe the lie because it is safer to doubt, it is safer to not hope, it feels safer to not set up ourselves for disappointment. Everything you feel might be an illusion, it might be a lie but you still feel it, what you are afraid of might not be real but what you feel is honest.
The moral of this gist? “I don’t know” is a valid feeling, “I’m not sure” can be a good thing, “I’m afraid” is the starting point of bravery because ‘in-betweens’ exist and not everything is completely white or black, there are several shades of grey(50 actually 🌚🌚) but grey is valid, grey can be beautiful. Conquering your fears is not always overcoming it or pushing it aside. It is living through it, doing what you need to even when you are afraid.
Your anxiety is not lying to you, your fears might be an illusion but they are honest and they shouldn’t be disregarded, I’m going to end by saying “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do”
— Eleanor Roosevelt.
In all of this, Don’t forget to tell God.
