Student Uses Porn To Spice Up His Sex Life
In his last relationship, Kevin* and his partner successfully incorporated porn in the bedroom. He shares his story on how porn was introduced in their relationship and provides tips on how to bring porn into the forefront of the conversation…
By Jessica Huynh, Storyteller for RU Student Life
Kevin’s Story is Part 3in the Let’s Talk About Porn Series. The series recounts the stories of four university students and the role pornography has played in their life. How does pornography influence the relationships we form with ourselves and others? Is there something between the sheets we aren’t talking about? Click here to read the other stories.
Content Warning: This article contains mature content and sensitive topics surrounding sex and pornography.
Kevin was studying for his final exams in Fall 2016 when his friend walked over with a girl Kevin had never seen on campus before. Transfixed by her beauty and curious to know more about her, he added her on Instagram shortly after — a bold move that was uncharacteristic of Kevin’s normally shy demure. As if Cupid struck them both with an arrow, they had an instant connection and began exchanging flirty text messages. Within a month, they became an official couple.
“I really liked her,” Kevin said fondly. “Right away, we were really open with each other.”
After losing his virginity to her, Kevin grew more comfortable with her and their relationship. They talked about everything and anything under the sun — no topic was off limits. Once, when they were discussing manga (Japanese comics), the topic of hentai came up. Hentai is a Japanese word that means perverse or bizarre sexual desire; however, it is more commonly known as a genre of porn consisting of erotic anime.
Amy grabbed a comic out of her book bag and showed Kevin a story about two brothers fighting for the affection of a maid-girl. “She didn’t use [these comics] to get off,” Kevin clarified. “She liked it cause it wasn’t boring and it was full of drama, but there was also adult content in it.”
Kevin thought it was funny, but he also found it “super cool” that she was into this art form. So, when Amy asked him, ‘Do you watch porn?’ he felt comfortable enough to answer her honestly. “I didn’t want to offend her or make her feel weird,” Kevin explained. “But she was the one who asked me so I was honest. I told her I did.” In a published study conducted by Gert Martin Hald, PhD, he estimates that 50% to 99% of men and 30% to 86% of women consume porn regularly.
From that discussion — and to Kevin’s surprise — Amy suggested they incorporate porn into their sex life. Kevin was taken back by her high sex drive, but was ultimately happy that she was open to exploring in the bedroom. The couple watched pornographic videos together humorously and critically, much like consuming any form of entertainment like YouTube. Other times, the sexual acts in the videos inspired them to try new positions.
“It was rare we saw something we liked and wanted to try out cause once we liked [a specific sex position]we stuck to that. I don’t remember the names of the position we used but there was definitely three or four we got from porn,” Kevin reflected. “The communication and trust between us were there. I could trust her with anything and she could trust me.”
Porn enabled Kevin and Amy the opportunity to explore each other’s sexual interests within a safe and controlled environment. In fact, in a study looking at sexual media use and the relational satisfaction in heterosexual couples, researchers found that when women use porn, sexual intimacy increases — but it decreases when men use porn. Researchers believe this phenomenon is due to women preferring to use porn as a shared experience opposed to a solo act (which is how men favour using porn). Roughly 70% of people surveyed in 2002 by the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction believed that porn “can lead to more open attitudes about (one’s own) sexuality,” with 55% of respondents reporting that porn can improve relationships.
Kevin and Amy’s sexual intimacy increased once porn was introduced in the relationship.
Nonetheless, the couple ran into disagreements from time to time. Like any couple who stays in on Friday night, they often argued on what to watch.
“I prefer watching Asian girls [in porn],” Kevin admitted. “But Amy was more into white girls. She would say the white girls’ bodies were nice and that was what she judged [her preference in videos on]. She didn’t like watching Asian girls in porn because she thought it didn’t suit them. She didn’t see Asian girls in the industry as being natural.” Both Kevin and Amy are of an Asian descent.
In addition to their contrasting racial preference in porn, Amy often suggested they watch “guy-on-guy” porn, much to Kevin’s disinterest. “She kept teasing me to watch it because she knew I didn’t like it,” Kevin said, who preferred watching girl-on-girl porn. As a compromise, they mostly consumed heterosexual porn together or watched videos Amy chose. Typically, women tend to prefer pornographic videos with plot, softer angles, and “egalitarian participants in a sexual act,” says psychology professors Bridges and Patricia Morokoff, PhD in the Journal of Theoretical Social Psychology.
Through porn, the couple discovered what they were and weren’t into. The exposure to sexual variety allowed them to grow as a couple, learning about one another through their porn consumption. Often times, they would watch porn together without it leading to sex. Porn was a bonding experience, no different than a couple cuddling on the couch, flipping through Netflix deciding what to watch next.
After a year of dating, David and Amy parted ways.
These days, Kevin rarely watches porn. He finds it incomparable to sex with his ex. “The real thing is better,” Kevin reflected, who has been watching porn since he was 10 years old. The breakup has been difficult for Kevin, but he’s moving on.
While his sexual relationship with Amy was fun, he maintains that an adventurous sex life isn’t a mandatory criteria in his next relationship. “I just hope the girl is nice,” he said wishfully. “That’s all I look for. I don’t care about having porn in my future relationship.” Kevin asserts that he wouldn’t have brought porn in the relationship if his ex had never mentioned it. “If you bring porn up out of nowhere it’s going to sound like you’re hinting at something. Porn can be good for entertainment, but it’s bad because it can make people insecure. It can point out insecurity in people that they didn’t even know they had. It sounds cliche but porn is unrealistic; it’s not real life,” Kevin said.
As for how to bring porn up in a relationship, Kevin’s advice is to build a strong foundation based on trust and communication first.
“Don’t force it. Let the topic of porn come up naturally.”
If you are a survivor of sexual violence and interested in receiving support, please visit Ryerson’s Office of Sexual Violence Support and Education for services and resources available to you.
As other stories in our series show, porn has a variety of influences. If you are concerned about your porn use (or a friend’s porn use), Ryerson University’s Health and Wellness department provides information and resources on sexual health. Counselling is also available for those interested in speaking with a professional.
You are not alone.
*Names have been changed to protect the subject’s identity.
