10 Things to Put in Your High-Income Home to Make Me Uncomfortable
When I was growing up my family always hovered between lower-middle and middle class status. We weren’t in dire need of money, but we also never had any of it in excess. We had enough to get by, and maybe possibly indulge in a small pack of pistachios or something when buying groceries (but only once in a blue moon — that shit is expensive). When I met my ex in high school I quickly learned her family always hovered around upper-middle class status. I found it a bit intimidating, but she never exhibited the lack of self-awareness I assumed came with having money. As we date for a third time I know that she has more perspective after spending some time being so broke in Halifax she could barely afford to eat one can of beans a day. Since her dad and rich stepmom bought a house in Forest Hill South, though, we both get to see what having money looks like. Here are some things that house has that I’m too money-poor to wrap my head around.
1) A ton of floors and floor space. There are three floors and a basement in this house, which I’m not sure I’ve ever seen before in Toronto. Sure, the house is a little narrow, but each floor is still bigger than any apartment I’ve ever lived in. If a home has more than three bedrooms I get a little anxious, so my first visit to this place nearly gives me an aneurysm.
2) A flat screen TV in nearly every room. It’s like the only rooms without TVs are the bathrooms, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was considered at one point. The biggest one is in the living room on the main floor. On one evening she and I get stoned and watch Interstellar on this TV, and even though nothing can help how painfully sub-par the writing is, it does look especially pretty.
3) A man cave. One of the rooms in the basement is such a huge refuge for sports fans that I feel like I should only be allowed in there if I’ve tattooed a team logo on my chest, or if I’m shooting a beer commercial.
4) A fully stocked kitchen. I don’t just mean a hearty meal is available every breakfast, lunch, and dinner; I mean there are endless snacks. Fancy snacks. Snacks that taste decadent but are actually healthy and can only be found at places like Whole Foods and other grocery stores I feel I have to dress up to go to. We stuff our faces with caramel popcorn and kettle chips, not because we’re hungry, but because we’re bored and they’re there.
5) An old, precious dog. Her stepmom’s white terrier is probably old enough to vote, which means in dog years it’s as antique as some of the furniture. It wears a diaper because it’s too arthritic to go for walks and the carpet’s too rich for any of its messes. I could probably take its collar to a campus bookstore and buy a textbook or two.
6) An elevator. This makes sense if someone in the house is wheelchair bound, but no one is. From what I understand it was mostly installed for the dog.
7) A music room. One of her stepbrothers dabbles in music from time to time, so he has a whole room for his guitars and electronic drum kit. My own drum kit is tucked away in a friend’s basement. I’m fucking jealous of her stepbrother.
8) A wine closet in the basement with glass doors and controlled air temperature and humidity. I mean, holy shit.
9) A rich stepmom. This woman was born into a rich family, so she’s the first person I’ve met that never had to experience anything less than comfort. She’s nice, though, and really easy to talk to, but occasionally my girlfriend tells me things that make me realize she’s not the most grounded person. She’s a little homophobic. She suspects the Filipino maids are always attempting to steal from them. She can’t understand why I pursued engineering, which I’m ambivalent about, instead of writing and music, like her sons did. I like this woman, though, and she seems to like me, so I find her detachment from reality amusing.
10) A fully stocked kitchen. I know I already mentioned this, but now I’m just talking about the kitchen counter. They always have bowls filled with nuts. That’s insane to me, because, again, that shit is expensive. Seeing that they can put out bowls of top-name brands of cashews, walnuts, and motherfucking pistachios, makes me realize: These people are rich.
Way It Was is a writing project and ongoing attempt to work through a lot of relationship related shit. Find out more about it here.
