Being A Perfectionist And Getting Fired For The First Time
I have been an overachiever all my life and it’s not proving well for me lately.
Ever since I was a kid, I have excelled in pretty much everything, except sports for sure! Now, I am not bragging or anything because the truth is, the higher expectations you set for yourself since the beginning, the more pressure you have to deal with. As we all know, change is the only constant. But if you do well all the time, you’ll be expected to keep up the pace for the rest of your life. And it’s not just about society’s expectations of you but of yourself too.
But I am 19 now, I will be graduating in hardly 7 months and I will be expected to function as a proper adult as soon as I turn 20. Or not? Well, I expect myself to be. This is probably why I am already considered mature for my age.
My mom is also a perfectionist so one thing goes wrong and we both start going crazy. But I just got fired from an internship within two working days and I think I am dealing with it properly.
Wondering how even when I am somebody who cries over every little minor inconvenience? Because this failure came with a realization that I can’t be perfect and not for the wrong people or situations.
Being on top of everything has taught me that I can do everything I put my mind to but it never taught me to deal with the situations that I didn’t see coming. And that’s why I am a control freak now! I can be a crazy person to be with because I am so strict even with myself.
And in some ways, it is good because it helps with achieving all the things I have been doing. Basically, keeps me disciplined. But I can’t have everything my way and it’s hard time that I make peace with it. Because honestly, it would be stupid to waste such fundamental years of my life crying over something that I couldn’t do anything about.
So, the next time it rains unexpectedly or my outfit doesn’t look as planned, I will make sure I appreciate the raindrops and feel grateful that I still have a comfortable fit to go back to.
Read about my worst freelance writing experience.
Now, about the internship experience that led to this another life lesson: I filled out a form with an internship with all my heart and motivation to get it. And I was confident enough to get it. I showed up for the interview and even though it wasn’t confirmed, I was awaiting the offer letter.
That’s exactly what happened. I had a meeting on the first day, and I was expected to come up with ideas and I did. He didn’t like it. I came up with new ideas and then, before even getting to see the founder again, I received a text saying “Sorry, Muskan. I don’t think this is working out”. And to be noted, it was followed with some nice texts about working together on something else in the future and other generous things.
But this didn’t change the fact that the client didn’t have enough belief in me, didn’t find me worthy enough to guide or be patient with so I could fit in or at least inform me through mail or call; considering how easily we were communicating through google meets since the interview.
I didn’t see it coming but it happened. It was all that I talked about for two days and something that I cried about in front of my parents (now, I would never. My whole world would be crashing down but I wouldn’t shed a tear in front of them so they don’t have to worry about me). But I did because I couldn’t face failure, I couldn’t bear the fact that I am not the perfect girl who has been working ever since she started college.
I still doubt myself, I still feel the need to do everything right as a student, as a professional, as a daughter, a friend, you name it and I am willing to take that responsibility up. But do I really have to? I have the sweetest parents who don’t even want me to work so I don’t get tired but I still do. Why? Because it satisfies my ego. It makes me feel better about myself instead of living in the fear of what happens when I won’t be occupied. And all of it also stems from having the fear of missing out because I come from a different background than my peers.
But I realized that it’s stupid and the more I talk about it, the more I understand that I can’t impress everybody. And this doesn’t have to convince me into thinking that I am stupid or unworthy. Because if I was then why would I be hired for such an opportunity in the first place?
I still need a lot of reflection, and unlearn all that I have learned because the world is definitely not a fairytale and I have no other option than dealing with it. This incident did change me because the perfectionist wouldn’t talk about her failures and just laugh it off like this now. I will take it personally, I will still work on being better at work and even as a person but I will not beat myself over such little things. Instead, the goal is to focus on what I can bring my way through my way!
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