I closed my company 9 months ago, and I’m still not over it.
“But of course, you are angry.”
My therapist just confirmed what I’ve known deep down for a couple of months. It’s been nine months since I closed my company, startup getaway The Blue House, and I’m still haunted by the many decisions I’ve made since deciding to start a business.
I survived the fatigue, I got my groove and energy back, but I’m still living in the aftermath of closing my company.
Also in French on Le Huffington Post
When I wrote my post-mortem piece about how I was miserable as an entrepreneur, people told me it gets better; they told me I would soon forget the bad and only remember the good. I haven’t.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly proud of what I’ve achieved but I can’t see the silver lining just yet.
I’m pissed that I didn’t succeed, I’m pissed that I made errors, I’m pissed that I couldn’t see that having my company made me miserable, I’m pissed that I didn’t know when to stop, I’m pissed that I lost money, I’m pissed that I’m still struggling with paying back my debts, I’m pissed that I still haven’t found the right job, I’m pissed that I haven’t properly started my new life yet.
I didn’t take the easy road: I went to live in a village, in the red tape hell that is Morocco, I didn’t raise enough money, I chose an industry entirely new to me. And life happened too: I parted ways with my partner, the market I worked in was in a crisis.
The aftermath had to match the magnitude of the challenges I piled up.
I rented my apartment to fund my business and it got trashed. I came back home after closing my company and discovered people had had sex all over my place, played with bras, touched and destroyed everything, stole belongings I cared about. Then came the financial strain because the insurance wouldn’t cover most of the damages. Then months later when I thought it was over, I got kicked off of my insurance, and now no one wants to insure me anymore. Bad decisions, bad luck, it’s life, but I’m angry. (I explained here what I learnt about renting my place for over 4 years).
Finding a new job is tough too. It’s not that I’m picky, it’s just that there aren’t a lot of jobs for people with my background. I went back to my old job but I needed to feel like I was moving on. I did find one after almost six months but it didn’t work out — don’t worry I won’t do a blog post on why it didn’t work, I’m not an oversharer (LOL — I am, and I actually think you should too).
I’m not stupid, I know I shouldn’t be angry. This experience changed my life, I met amazing people whom I would never have met have I remained a Parisian startup employee. It changed me as a professional and a person.
Now I know the amount of stress I want in my life, I know that I can live in a village, I have a strong network of people who believe in me, I know that I’m really good at telling stories, I have a sense of what is the meaning of my life (sorta).
Sharing the story of why I closed my company in the first place made me realize my words had an impact. I had so many people telling me my article helped them that I decided to speak up more. Now, I’m becoming more engaged than ever .
And maybe if I hadn’t done this, my life would actually have been the same or worse.
Maybe I would have had a normal job and gotten so bored that I would have started another crazy project. Maybe in all the parallel worlds, I would still end up having to search for myself through risky, odd, overwhelming projects. Maybe, in the all the scenarios, I would meet amazing people who would help me discover who I was and it would make living a ‘normal life’ so great. Maybe I’d always end up exactly where I am right now: stronger, aware of who I am, blessed with great friends and stories to impress my grandkids.
But in the meantime, it feels like every time I see the light at the end of the tunnel, a rock falls, and I have to climb over it to, maybe, finally, inch’allah, get to that new life of mine and reap the benefits of this experience. When all my hard-work has paid off, maybe I’ll have forgotten the bad times and only remember the team meetings on the beach, the dinners with clients, the articles in the press, the thanks of happy customers, the pride of having done so much by myself.
I’m almost there. A good job, good insurance, and a few months of steady paychecks to pay off my debts should do the trick.
Would have I done things differently had I known better? I hope so. I hope I would have trusted my gut more, I hope I would have taken my time more, I hope I would have considered the challenges before adding them to my plate. But those were my decisions, and now I have to turn them into strengths.
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