11 Things You Find At Starbucks That Confirm We’re All Doomed
An incomplete list to read while waiting for the comet to achieve impact
Starbucks is a wonderful place to see and meet wonderful consumption focused humans.
There’s no greater representation of the locust-like behavior of mindless consumers in the wild. Grabbing and snatching and saying things like, “oh, wow, they got these.”
Here’s just a few things to love…
#1 Overflowing trash bins. Because nothing represents strong economic health like branded plastic cups piled chest high and blowing around in a giant dystopian parking lot. Keep piling them high. A disposable servant will come along at some point and haul them somewhere we don’t have to know they exist any more (even though they’ll still exist long after we’re all dead).
#2 Petrified crumbs. The community tables are covered in them. Because the assholes before you couldn’t be bothered to clean up their own mess. That’s what disposable servants are for. They get paid to wipe our ass after we’re done consuming.
#3 Screaming kids. Running around like they were just freed from their parents desire to keep them from running into traffic. Because their parents are too busy shoving zero quality content into their eyeballs. Because kids are the worst. Let them run into traffic. Unburden the future.
#4 Sticky floors. The asshole 3 hours ago dropped his Triple Dipped Sugar Choco-Latte Explosion Delight. Then complained to the exhausted, understaffed disposable servants they should’ve made the cup undroppable and demanded they make her another. He’s in a meeting now with executives trying to figure out how to squeeze more productivity out of a labor pool while cutting their pay.
#5 Traffic piled up at the drive-thru window. Because people are too fucking lazy to remove themselves from their climate controlled box because the car has become our own personal escape from the Hellscape we’ve trapped ourselves in and continue to choose to trap ourselves in.
#6 Car jousting that occurs in non-drive-thru Starbuck’s parking lots because it’s a cutthroat competition to park as close as possible, dominating the competition; everyone is way more important than everyone else.
#7 Old birds that sit next to you and verbally assault you with mindless babble because her family has abandoned her and refuses to give her the social outlet she needs so she has to let it out somewhere and why not Starbucks? You always wanted to be a social worker, right?
#8 Overprivileged ass hats. Who think everything should be served to them perfectly every fucking time, and any deviation from absolute perfection is a slight against them because how dare those slack minded servants not respect the importance they think they have. So they complain, loudly, so everyone knows how upset they are that their consumption experience wasn’t absolutely fucking just they way they like it.
#9 Butt plugs talking loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear what they’re saying. Something about business transactions in the thousands and what kind of cocaine they’re going to buy later and how many hookers they’re going to purchase to have sex with. They’re using something called “activation energy” to put their mind in the zone to maximize whatever achievement oriented thing they’re trying to life hack their way towards.
#10 Checked out give-ups. They wonder around in their sleep attire glued to their phone blasting zero quality content into their eyeballs with the sound set to max, like they’re sealed in a bubble in space and only break that wall when their body desires feeding.
Then when you go the bathroom you find (#11) a heroin addict sitting on the toilet with a needle sticking out of his arm. You politely say, “I’m sorry,” close the door, go home, and contemplate why there’s a handful of really smart people even bothering to save us from ourselves.
The sky is empty. There’s no extinction level comet flaming through the sky. There’s nothing but the roar of bodies being hurled towards nowhere at 85 miles per hour.
I go back the next day because that goddamn Mocha Choco-Latte Delight in the Christmas cup is so fucking good. And it’s the only “third place” my suburban dystopia I insanely continue to live in offers.
I’m A-ron. I make lists now that will snap you out of your useless existence. If you agree or disagree, click the vanity things.
