Private Journals of a ‘Serious’ Lagos babe… in transit (10)
I have spent over six months in Lagos and the miasma of pungent odour is still something I would never get used to.
In Lagos, smell took on a different form for me. I learned how to categorize the smell. There are fermented smells that ooze out a putrid fufu-like stench. There is the armpit-y smell! I have been unfortunate to be at the receiving end of armpit smells one time too many. In fact, there were times my shoulder acted as an anchor for a massive person to place their own arm on, this resulted in me not only getting drenched in someone else’s essence but also suffering some discomfort in my shoulder for hours. Those are the times I hated being slim and not having enough flesh. Then there is the condensed pee smell that loiters around in car parks, busy market bends, and sidewalks sometimes. It tend to hit you when you least suspect it. An odoriferous mega city!!!
In Lagos, life is football anything can happen became inscripted in my head that nothing seem to surprise me anymore.
A preacher earnestly condemning people to hell for driving cars was more amusing than bewildering for me now. And him rushing to do an acrobatic dance in the middle of the road before trying to stop the cars on command with his fingers was comic relief. When he crossed the road and walked briskly in my direction. I was still acting unbothered while inwardly wishing for a free bus to come quickly. I finally ran when he began to point at me while shouting ‘Marine spirit! Mami wata!! I see you have the spirit of seduction!!! Temptress, repent, and stop seducing men!!! Repent!!! Repent!!!’
I also convinced myself that the incomplete gist about my boss possibly being a madman is not as shocking as it seems but it raised my curiosity.
What type of mental distress was Kanyin reffering to?
Is it proper skoin-skoin or something else?
Did she actually say mental or lethal? Does lethal even make sense in that statement?
Why did Lara seem to be nonchalant about the whole thing?
I brought it up on Saturday while we were making custard and again Lara brushed it off like it was nothing.
‘That shouldn’t be an issue, what you should concern yourself with is: Firstly, know what you want in life and where you are going. Ummi, this is not the time for you to be bothered about what is not and what is. The people saying all that are privileged and trust me, it is not like you would get another job ASAP if you let their hysteria about your workplace make you quit. Secondly, take a chill pill, I cannot mislead you. Thirdly, Nobody has everything figured out trust me. Take it as it comes and start taking note of what you want, need, and where you envision yourself. Abi you know what you want?’
‘Well, I had the dream of being a Doctor sha’
‘Ehn and then you were offered Microbiology. What next after that? Do you even know why you wanted to be a doctor in the first place?’ She faced me as she poured the cereal inside the two mugs on the sink. She immediately proceeded to rinse out the pot and continued ‘The reason I invited you over is because I wanted you to experience something outside of what you were used to. Do you have friends? No. You are not exploring. You are not pushing yourself. You go to work, come back home. Carry your legs to Yaba to buy bend down select since Madam Uche is no longer on your level’ She sniggered.
‘You don’t have to emphasize me going to Yaba to buy bend down!’ I said in a shaky voice as I stormed out of the kitchen. She laughed loudly like a hyena and began to hum. She knows I get touchy about wearing okrika after I once boasted never to touch it with a 6 ft pole when I start earning. She knows. That witch.
I refused to touch the custard and unlike my Dad who would persuade me to eat because of how skinny I have always been Lara ignored me. In fact, she wrapped the duvet over her head as soon as she was done eating and shortly began to snore lightly.
My stomach gurgled but I was too prideful to enter the kitchen. I eventually dozed off too but it was a fitful sleep. I kept dreaming I was eating and the pangs of hunger gnawing at my belly would force me awake at intervals to remind me that in fact that isn’t the reality!. When I woke up to observe Zuhr’s prayer Lara was already in the kitchen preparing what smells like efo riro. The aroma began to tease my nose. I almost cried during Sujood. She knows I love efo riro. She hummed as she stirred the pot of soup. She sang as she turned the eba. I was in sifia pains.
As soon as she stepped out of the house to God knows where, I scooped up some of the efo and two morsels of eba that won’t expose me and began to gobble it up. I was almost done when I heard her arrival. Of course, she caught me mid-chew and hissed loudly as she shook her head in amusement.
Lara ignored me as she scooped the food into a plate and left for the room. That was my signal, I went back to properly serve myself. When I got into the room she reminded me to not waste the custard I abandoned in the morning. I made a guttural sound in response, I was so hungry.
‘See her, see her. Why do you eat like someone is chasing you? People will see you outside and think you are a fine posh girl they will not know you eat like a thief!’ She shook her head.
The next Monday, Folake sent out a mail that there would be a TGIF hangout and the location would be communicated on Thursday.
Around 3pm she came over to where Tega and I sat and offered us red velvet cake.
‘Thank you.’ I said as I collected it from her. Tega turned it down and I almost collected hers as well.
‘Ummi shuu, you know better.’
‘Know what?’ I said in a muffled voice as I chowed down on the cake. An incoming call signal flashed on my screen and I ate hurriedly so I could pick up. It is either a prospective customer or a disgruntled one.
It was the latter. I effusively placated the customer on the phone. He was angry that there was no lunch served at the short-let he was staying at. He switched from a terrible American accent to a horrid British one and then to a substandard Nigerian accent. I didn’t have to see him to know he is a Gee-boy. He already introduced himself as Rich Young Pablo-Niccur. I finally got him off the call after telling him one of our staff will reach out to him. Nobody would reach out to him and I was unbothered about the repercussions of what seemed to be a drug-induced rage.
‘Know what’ I asked Tega again as soon as I took off my headset.
‘She is not to be trusted o. Shebi you know she is the reason Lanre got sacked.’ Tega grinds her teeth as she said this. I didn’t respond. I ate the rest of the cake and continued with my job. Our boss came in towards closing time and as usual, stared us down as everyone greeted him.
It was drizzling as Tega and I got out of the elevator on the ground floor. We ran into our boss pulling out of the driveway with Folake in the front seat. I awkwardly stepped out of the building as Tega followed in tow.
‘Ummita!’ Someone called from my boss’s car. It was Folake poking her head out and smiling at me.
‘Come inside.’ She beckoned.
‘Thanks, ma we are fine’ Tega answered.
‘Oh, come off it. You guys will be drenched. You guys can drop at the bus stop. That should be better yeah?’ Folake smile became wider.
I nudged Tega and we both clambered into the backseat. Tega brought out her phone immediately and began to text me.
Tegs 5:23pm: I told you this lady is a witch! #DevilEmoji
UmmiF 5:23pm: Hahahaha stop it.
Tegs 5:24pm: (Typing)
Folake glanced at me in the backseat and asked if I had an older sister called Ameerah. I shook my head no and she turned to the front. She asked if the AC was too cold and I shook my head no again. She turned a second time and asked what it is like working at PropertyHeirsHub.
‘Fine.’ I said in a soft voice. Tega kept typing furiously.
‘Oh Ummita, this is a safe space.’ Folake said. Tega was still typing. ‘Okay, let’s leave work stuff at work. Do you have a boyfriend?’
Tega lost it and tittered. The car stopped suddenly too. The traffic in front of us stretched far ahead.
My phone vibrated.
‘No, I don’t.’ I responded. Folake smiled, said nothing, and turned to the front.
Tegs 5:30pm: My spirit nor dey ever lie. Be careful with this woman. I think you are the next person she wants to cook soup with. If you have another job elsewhere good for you but abeg nor make dem sack me as your comrade-in-arms. I will start chasing you with a cutlass in your sleep. Nah so women dey do when dey join new place dem dey always wan show themselves. Also, nah me dey notice or your HR Madam get very big ears? E be like rabbit own!!!.
UmmiF 5:31pm: Hahaha nah this your gossip go make dem sack you.
Tegs 5:32pm: Rabbit gif
UmmiF 5:32pm: Reacts to gif with a laughing emoji.
The car slowed down at the bus stop and fortunately, the rain has stopped drizzling.
‘Thank you. Thank you.’ We both chorused as Tega moved to open the door.
Folake turned around again and looked at me ‘I would have told him to let us drop you guys at home. After all, he knows your house well Ummita.’ Her eyes glinted and she smiled sweetly.
I was stunned, I stepped out and tried to narrate what just happened to Tega but she was not paying me attention. She was already yelling in Urhobo at someone on the phone. I bade her goodbye and moved in the opposite direction to board a bus home.
NOTE: CHEERS TO 10 EPISODES GUYS!!! 10 MORE TO GO!
