Private Journals of a ‘Serious’ Lagos babe… in transit (9)
The energy at PropertyHeirsHub completely changed when Folake came on board for two reasons. Firstly, everyone was astonished by the sudden addition. Secondly, she is the HR officer and everyone is more wary of their actions now.
‘Be like dem wan sack pesin and noh be me dem go use start’ Tega murmured as she placed a plastic container inside the microwave. It was lunch break and I was there to have a taste of the Owoh soup she promised me.
‘Sack keh? Why would anybody get sacked?’ Erere asked.
‘I don’t know maybe because I know when weird things start happening in an organization that is a sign something is off. I have been here 2 years and…’
‘2 years is not enough time for you to insinuate mass sacki..’ Erere countered.
Tega cut her off ‘Please please when did I mention mass sacking? Shuu please if they sent you tell them you did not meet me at home.’
I shushed Tega and pulled her away from the microwave. Erere is like a pest. Tega was so agitated that she spilled some of the soup while trying to open the container. Sweet soup for that matter. People stared at us as we ate the soup with Eba. She was meant to bring starch but I was adamant I would not be eating it. I cannot fathom consuming something I associate with washing clothes. Her talks about starch being present in the Eba I was eating was none of my business. Eba is not starch.
Everyone adjusted to Folake’s presence in their way. Take Lanre for example, he has taken it upon himself to sing Afrobeat songs about her name whenever she is within earshot.
‘Folake gimme love o’ Lanre the office eye-candy would sing flirtatiously. He told everyone he would be an exception to whatever is going on as his charms are irresistible. He was the first to go.
It all started during a virtual meeting with Folake. She did not come in to work that day because she has flu. Folake was informing everyone the company is adopting a 3-day on-site and 2-day WFH policy which would be alternated but every staff is expected to come in on Mondays. She stated this is due to the increase in fuel prices nationwide. She coughed midway. Lanre chipped in ‘Sorry dear. Take care.’
Nobody knows if Folake heard or not but she continued with what she was saying. Lanre felt offended and hummed ‘Folake don pompous…’ a line from Boy Spyce’s song. Nobody knows if he left his mic on purposely or not as well.
‘Who said that?’ Folake asked in a nasal voice.
Nobody answered.
She asked again and everyone was still mute.
Folake cleared her throat and went in ‘Guys, this type of comment is not appreciated and we need to start treating each other with respect. This is against our culture as a company and we should all endeavour to do better. Okay, moving on…’
Sandra went over to Lanre’s desk immediately after the meeting ended. We all received another warning via mail 2 hours after.
The next Monday, Lanre did not come to work. He has been sacked by our boss. He was also told he is barred from the office premises which means he cannot even come around to pick up his hoodie and the mug he uses to drink coffee. Everyone was bewildered. Tega had a visible I Told You So written all over her face.
I was indifferent to it all, being a fine boy does not excuse you from the consequences of being an asshole. He is often involved in perverse behaviour or utterances. Tega already gave me the gist of how a security guy caught him with his head buried between Nkoyo’s thighs lapping away like a thirsty dog. The security guy was bribed but word got around and the CCTV proved it truly happened. How it never got to Boss’s ears is a miracle or did it?
Everybody began to dissect it, and differing opinions flew up and down. Abdullahi’s voice was of course the loudest. I was decidedly quiet. As soon as Folake arrived, everybody mellowed down. She was dressed in a dusty pink blazer and skirt set. The outfit set off her hair colour beautifully and her perfect and evenly toned chocolate skin. She also has great legs… for days. I felt a slight pang of envy.
‘Wow, Barbie girl.’ Seun said approvingly.
Everybody turned and said at the same time over themselves
‘Haaa! You never learn?!!!!’ ‘Guy wetin be this now?’ ‘What is wrong with you?!’
Our boss came in around 10 am and stared at everyone for some seconds before going into his office. Monday went by fast. I was happy when I eventually got home. I don’t have to wake up early for work the next day. My phone rang before I could settle in fully and it was Lara.
‘Ummi? Ummita? Where you dey? Take an Uber or Bolt to Cilantro. I will pay!’ She added that because she knows I was about to ask her the bus routes option instead. I am super super broke. I have learned. Look at the Serious Lagos girl. Hehehehehehehehe
I got to Cilantro in no time and met Lara engrossed in a conversation with a group of people. They all look savvy and wealthy. How did Lara get to meet people like this? And how did she manage to gather them all in one place?I got to meet Shane, Faye, Kanyin, and Ekene. Shane and Faye are both mixed race twins and Faye asked me what I was mixed with as soon as I took a seat.
‘Er, I am fully Nigerian.’
Faye cackled, her laugh is like that of a supervillain. Shane tossed down his drink and said ‘Don’t mind my sister, she is obsessed with race.’
‘No, I am not!’ She retorted
Lara began to introduce everyone to me.
‘Ummi here is my sweet sweet sister? cousin? daughter? Ummi is my baby sha.’
‘Awwwwwwwnnn’ Kanyin said.
‘Ummi meet Shane and Faye, the dynamic duo who have made me rebuke ever having twins. Kanyin, the DevOps guru, is super smart and loving but occasionally her server experiences downtime if ya know what I mean. And here is my Denzel Washington meets Jim Iyke, Ekeledilichukwu or Ekele, my Odogwu, Billionaire onye ji cashiii. He is the one that treats me best out of all these people but he too like woman oooo.’ She concluded.
They all exchanged pleasantries with me as they rejected all Lara was saying about them.
Ekele asked about my work and what I do. I explained as best as I could. I was approached to place my order while talking and I handed it over to Lara to order for me. She understood. Things overwhelm me pretty fast.
‘So sales? You cold call potential buyers of properties? How is that going for ya?’
‘Fine’ I said
Kanyin faced me, ‘Ummi, you know there are sales opportunities in tech that could be beneficial to you. What do you know about Tech sales sweetie?
‘Nothing ma’
‘Call me Kanyin please’ She smiled kindly to me as she said this. My heart melted.
‘’Lara said you work with Bayo Fowora? How are you coping?’ Faye interrupted us loudly.
‘She is working with Bayo Fowora? Why?’ Ekele asked with bulging eyes.
I looked around apprehensively. What is going on?
‘She needed something to while away the time with while she has a clearer perspective of what she wants to do. Who she wants to be. Guys, trust me I know what I am doing.’
Kanyin laughed throatily and said ‘Trust me you don’t.’
‘’Wait is it that bad?’ Lara asked
‘’What is bad? I asked feebly. Nobody heard me.
Kanyin faced me, ‘I may be wrong but when we were in Sussex, he had several episodes of what many, including I suspected to be a form of mental distress. I may be wrong but I think he is…’
Ekele’s phone ringtone made it hard for me to catch what Kanyin said but I heard enough.
My boss is a madman.
