Private Journals of a ‘Serious’ Lagos babe… in transit (12)
There is this feeling everybody gets before a bad experience. Some have mentioned discomfort in the lower belly, a form of churning that knots up your inside and not the type that feels like warm butter is gliding through your insides. This one is hot and gives you a sudden urge to use the toilet. Some have recalled the fluttering of their left eye repeatedly before a dangerous life-threatening situation. They said it can take sequential forms at times. 3 twitches. Stop. 3 twitches. Stop. Others have talked about stubbing their left foot before walking into danger.
When my left eye twitched, I blamed the mascara. As my hands got more clammy even though the AC in the Bolt ride was cool enough. I chucked it down to the nervousness of being around my colleagues for another non-work-related event. I distracted myself instead by mindlessly scrolling through TikTok.
Tegs 6:40pm: Where are you?
Her call came in before I could swipe off the message notification.
‘Tegs.’
‘Where are you?’ She said as the tune to Asake’s Lonely at the Top crooned from the background.
‘I am close by I think we are in the street already .’
‘Okay! Let me know when you are outside’ She hung up before I could tell her that I was already in front of the lounge.
My sweaty hands made it hard for me to process the driver’s payment on time and the impatient humming from him and the stoic responses I got when I kept pleading for his patience made my anxiety worse. When I was able to type in his account details, the payment did not go through due to a network dispensing error. I eventually called Tega to help with the payment.
‘You look like Cinderlella! Look at the flawa…Ogini na fio.’ Tega mimicked Pastor Odumeje while looking sultry in a leather micro mini skirt and a sheer halter top. Her passion twists were packed in a high bun and she wore chunky bangles that clanked noisily with every movement.
‘Abeg, let’s pay this man he has been boning face since before he will beat me’
‘Beat that what? Oga how much is your money?’ Tega opened her bag emblazoned with Christian Doiro, Christian Doiro. Christian Doiro all over the body and swiftly counted out some notes which she handed over to the driver. She kept talking about how nice I looked.
‘Thank you so do you.’ I said in a jittery voice. I was suddenly overwhelmed by an intense anxiety. My armpits began to itch and the loose-fitting silk shirt suddenly became suffocating. I tugged absentmindedly at my necklace. I patted my hair. I began to fiddle with myself.
Tega, my perfect guardian angel steered me towards the restroom as I headed towards the sitting area. She fished out various kits out of her bag which she arranged neatly on the sink. She blotted my face. Re-laid my edges. Sprayed some of the pocket perfume she carries around behind my ears, under my armpits, on my shirt. Everywhere. One of the spritz mistakenly landed on my chin and we both burst out in laughter.
‘Oh, Tega, thank you for making me feel better. I feel so tensed and I can’t place the reason.’ I placed a hand on my chest to calm my rapidly beating heart.
‘It happens. It is your introverted nature but don’t worry just try and have fun. Plus, I will not leave your side tonight. The other day I got carried away and it was when I was going through the pictures I took that night I noticed you weren’t in any of them but I didn’t say anything because I felt guilty and I…’
I enveloped Tega in a hug as she rushed through her words. I am not angry with her. I am just happy I am lucky to be friends with someone like her. Tega hugged me back too, briefly, as she was uncomfortable with the display of affection.
‘Let’s go and join the rest before they start thinking we have been cornered by one of the sugar daddies in the VIP.’
We both laughed heartily as we made our way to the lounge.
My entrance wasn’t as dramatic as I thought it would be. Different scenarios of me toppling over because my legs got wobbly didn’t play out. My slipping from stepping on a spilled drink didn’t play out either. I hit my left leg against the cushion but that was because it was moved to the side while a cleaner was packing up shattered glass from the table filled with rowdy Lagos Zaddies. I exchanged Hellos, HIs, and air kisses with everyone seated. Sandra complimented my look and even bug-eyed Erere from Marketing couldn’t help but look at me appreciatively. A guy named Peter whose department I couldn’t place weirdly held on to my hands longer than usual.
‘When did that one start?’ Tega quizzed him and Peter smiled sheepishly. He was already tipsy. My boss and Folake are conspicuously missing but everyone is already groovy despite their absence.
Abdul was engaged in a heated conversation with a slim lady who looked unfamiliar. Tega gave me a knowing look and I smiled back in connivance.
The atmosphere of this lounge is calmer compared to the previous one. It has a languidness to it. Like it can’t be bothered to be as loud and busy as others. It was also outdoorsy which I loved. Our seat faced the pool where a life band serenaded everyone with different chart-topping Afrobeats songs which they sang at a slower tempo. I took in my environment and everyone was immersed in their phones, conversations, alcohol, or other people.
Lagos people know how to chop life sha. I thought inwardly.
My order was taken by a lady dressed in sexy black denim shorts and a black T-shirt with the name of the lounge boldly plastered in front. If I didn’t see the T-shirt I would be wondering why a stunningly gorgeous woman with perfect dentition is asking me what I would love to drink or eat.
Okay, Lagos!
I was happily chomping down on another stick of suya when Emeka said our boss and Folake had arrived.
We all turned towards the entrance at the same time. Someone whistled as Folake stepped into the light. Her skin glittered as the lights reflected off her. The vibrant crimson dress she wore contrasted beautifully with her chocolate skin. She looked electrictrifying and the high slits showed off her toned legs. Her buzz cut has been cropped lower and her face shape was more accentuated. She wore stud earrings on one ear and drops on the other side. Folake is one gorgeous woman and she knows it. My boss beamed with the sort of pride that washes over a man who knows everyone is checking out the woman on his arm.
The whole place got more lively after their arrival. Drinks flowed. Food was returned and requested to be put in takeaway packs. There was more than enough to go around. There was lots of dancing and I had a great time mimicking Tega’s Amapiano moves. That girl moves like a snake but I can keep up.
Someone suggested a Never Have I Ever game out of the blues and the majority agreed except Abdul who vehemently declared he would not be taking a sip of alcohol no matter what!
‘It is against my faith! It is against my faith!!’ He kept saying to no one in particular.
‘Well, Ummi and Abdul can be spectators then. Right?’ Folake said addressing me for the first time since she arrived.
‘It won’t be fair o everybody must drink if they want to play!’ Erere protested.
‘I concur!’ Sandra said.
It was eventually agreed our cups would be filled with mocktails and as long as we sip we would pay 5k instead. If we can’t make them tipsy or drunk then their pockets must bleed.
Never Have I Ever Gone on a Date with no Intention of Paying
Almost all the ladies took a sip except me. I have never been on what could count as a date not to talk of having intentions of not paying.
Abdul mockingly shouted ‘WHATEVER HAPPENED TO GENDER EQUALITY? OBINRIIIIIIIIIN!?
Never Have I ever Dated someone 20 years older
James, Erere, and Tega took sips.
I looked at Tega in confusion and she starred right back at me. You owe me this gist I mouthed and she rolled her eyes.
Never Have I ever Sucked Someone’s Toes
Abdul drank and seemed to regret it immediately as he was the only one. ‘Ehn ehn? Everybody has their kink.’ He shrugged as people exchanged knowing looks and snickered at him. Sandra tapped him to let him know he owes the company 5k.
Never Have I ever seen a Ghost
Nobody drank
Never Have I ever Crushed on someone I Shouldn’t Crush on
My boss and I took sips together at the same time.
‘Ha Ummi you sef dey crush?’ Abdul’s voice came from far away.
‘Who ooooooo?’
‘It is a guy from my area and he is getting married soon anyways.’ I laughed sheepishly.
‘Bayo must tell us his own too.’ Folake added and everyone agreed.
‘It is Shaffy Bello’ Sandra murmured and my boss laughed awkwardly.
Folake stared at him her eyes blazing, looking every inch as fiery as her dress.
‘Let’s go on.’
‘No, we will not. Who was it?’ Folake demanded.
‘Wait do I have to answer?’ My boss asked looking at Abdul and then Erere for an answer.
‘Actually, no it is all fun…’
‘NO! He has to. Ummi answered, didn’t she answer?’ Folake cut Abdul off mid-sentence.
My boss shrugged and muttered ‘My university professor, Professor Bailey. She is white, a lesbian and 30 years older than I am but there was just this je ne sais quoi about her.’
Folake didn’t seem satisfied but she left it at that.
‘Ummi 5k before Monday ma.’ Sandra wagged her finger jokingly at me.
Never have I falsely called in sick at work.
Almost everybody drank and the whole gathering erupted in laughter but Folake’s shrill voice rose above the din.
‘YOU FUCKING DISGUSTING ALBINO-LOOKING SLUTTY BITCH! I KNOW SOMETHING IS UP AND YOUR STUPID INNOCENT FACE CANNOT PROTECT YOU. YOU ARE A SNEAKY CONNIVING SNIVELLING BITCH! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!!…’
That was the last thing I heard before the bottle of Glenfiddich connected with my head and I passed out.
When I came to Lara’s worried face was staring at me. My head throbbed painfully and I could barely swallow.
‘Ha Ummi, how do you feel?’ She asked softly.
I could not open my mouth. My throat hurts. It feels like a thousand prickles of flaming needles were poking at my scalp. My whole body….My whole body hurts. Everything is pain.
‘Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh, Mo ti koba omolomo oooo egbamiiii!’ Lara cried silently and her face became double then the two faces began to dissolve slowly into a blur as I passed out again.
