a morbid existence
Because I think of Love daily it seems that I think of death often. Within days after Love was taken, I was no longer afraid of death…not that I was afraid to die previously.
I never considered my own death because my life has been filled with things that I needed to do first. But Love’s death slapped me hard into the reality that death doesn’t give a shit about what you needed to do. And so I decided that I would be ready for it — ready, not awaiting it.
It seems that I have become particularly morbid. I have talked about death to my family members on several occasions now, even with everyone here gathered for the holidays. Why not talk about it, right? We are all going to die. I tell them not to worry because death will just come and there will be nothing to worry about because they will be dead.
I talk about death because I want to make sure my wishes are honored should I not be able to make decisions for myself. I told them if I am not going to be the person they knew before, then let me go. If I am going to be on life support, let me go. If I am going to have loss of limbs, let me go. If I get inoperable cancer, no chemo. Mom didn’t agree with the last two. Actually, my mom didn’t really like any of the conversation.
I told them that I didn’t want my body in a casket unless they were going to pose me on my side striking a pose. Yes, I would like to be cremated and thrown in the ocean. I don’t want anyone, especially those close to me, to have their last image of me be my dead body. No one looks the same in their casket as they did when they were last standing. Remember me how you remember me.
Ideally, I wouldn’t even want a memorial. But I understand that those things are for the living. So, if it helps them to cope, then proceed. But make sure you play Wepa, by Gloria Estefan.
This stuff is easier to talk about than Love, or my love for Love, which they still don’t know about, I guess. When my time comes, I hope they won’t be angry with me for choosing the sweet relief of death over life. I have fought hard for so many things during so many times of my life. I don’t want to fight everything. I don’t want to fight forever. No, I don’t [think I] want to die and I’m [technically] not inviting it. I am just in pain because I want to be with Love like no other man that I’ve been with before. I don’t want this pain.
Maybe I won’t be talking like this in a year. They say time heals…but I don’t believe that shit one bit.
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