losing my sagittarians

Tuesday. 6 weeks, I think. I’m hoping to lose track one day…but when that happens, I’ll probably just go the calendar and recount.

Is 6 weeks a long time? A long time for what? It sounds like a long time, but it doesn’t feel like it.

President Obama is here today in Tampa at the Base — that’s the text that interrupted my dreams this morning.

I tried to sleep in but the Sun was shining so hard that the a/c kicked on early this morning. I talked to Him because I think I finally forgot to do it last night…the same I Love You’s and Where Are You’s. I actually was able to fall asleep again after that for about another hour. Maybe he helped me.

I wonder if dead is dead, or if consciousness lives on, or if the soul lives on, or if there is an afterlife, or whatever the fuck there is, or isn’t. So, I guess I’ll just make up something so that I don’t go crazy, all the while realizing that the shit sounds crazy.

I lost more than Love 6 weeks ago. Maybe about 5 weeks ago, old lover disappeared, too. Old lover disappeared, I guess, because of Love. And I suppose that was a good thing.

But also, 5 weeks ago, I lost another person. He is a past lover, too — no, a fling — a Sagittarian, just like the other two, and someone I had known since my first job in education down here in Florida. Florida, education, Sagittarian men, and me…just…need…to stop.

I spoke to this past fling when Love died. When he called me he could hear it in my voice. And he said, “Now your mean ass knows that you can love someone.” He told me I was grieving so hard because I loved Love. No shit. He wasn’t giving me info that I didn’t know. It was info I never told him. In the past, I had told him about our sexual excursions. He was one of my cheerleaders, always helping me to help myself (especially if he could be included). Over the summer, I had told him that I was spending my time exclusively with Love, to the point of dropping old lover. So, it wasn’t hard to figure out what had really been going on.

Oh yeah, and I’m not mean. People find me intimidating, and maybe a tad unapproachable (although that makes no sense to me if people say that I am always smiling). But I’m not mean. I don’t think I’ve been meeting the right men, or people, if that has been the impression. The past lover that I saw last week described me as unemotional and intimidating. This is not me. Who are they talking about?

So past fling called me some more, saying that he was checking on me. But our final conversation involved him telling me that yes, I was allowed to grieve because I loved, but that I shouldn’t be allowing my life to go in this manner with regard to my job. He said I was the smartest, strongest woman he knew and he didn’t understand why I had been so depressed and letting shit at my job(s) bring me down. I told him I wasn’t cut out for this line of work, as an intellectual introvert. And that this job required me to put on a show every day without room for recharge and reflection. The job didn’t want quality, they wanted a dog and pony…and a body. He told me to just do it. But I told him with this grief added on top, that I could no longer. He told me if anyone could, it was me. Then he proceeded to explain to me all the good I had going on, telling me to compare my shit to “the bitches on MLK” who wish they had it going on like me. He told me he didn’t recognize this “weak bitch” I had become.

This was his form of a pep talk, I know. He does care, in his own way. He knows intimate details about my life for more than a decade. He knows about the origins my relationship with Love. (He also knows old lover from back in the day, before I knew either of them, though they are not friends. The Tampa Bay area is small.) He also is an opportunist [like all the Sags I know], whose m.o. is to actually try to fuck me. I stopped fucking him loooong ago. He lied about being married. When I found out, I was turned off….about the lie, not the marriage. I hate liars. I had a relapse one time which served as a reminder to never do it again. He fucked me like a whore and pulled my ponytail. I don’t like that shit when I don’t like it.

So anyway, the conversation was too much for me. This is what he thought of me after all these years…the man who completely cut me off at one point while he was wallowing in his own depression some time after his divorce? I remembered one other time he was pissy with me about my non belief in God. A combination of thoughts let me to conclude that he no longer needed to be in my life. I haven’t heard from him since. Maybe I even blocked his number.

Sagittarian number equals zero. No Love, thanks to Death. No old lover, thanks to Truth, and no fling thanks to….

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