|A| Disappearing Act

A poem and parable inspired by The Odyssey. Based on actual events and circumstances.

I recently had a conversation with a man whose decisions have resulted in a lot of pain for a lot of women, especially me — his one time wife.

As it turns out, the disappointment and insecurity he felt toward himself was projected onto women.

He did not love Himself.

Therefore, it was impossible for him to love others.

His wants, wishes, and desires were paramount in his world.

His needs came first — even if it meant ignoring the pain he was recklessly inflicting on others.

It took me years to figure out his logic but I finally got it down to a science.

This man would draw women into his life by altering his behavior to reflect the image of him he knew she wanted to see.

Once intimately and emotionally connected, he would spend months and sometimes years learning her psychology.

He would then use her patterns and programming against her — meaning he would use facts and circumstances from her past to obtain mental and psychological advantages for himself.

In fact, that’s why they’re called “triggers.”

Triggers are pulled by people who have learned how to weaponize someone’s past.

He Understood the Assignment

Once he had learned everything he needed to know about a woman, he would then discard her.

In my case, publicly and painfully.

Revealing to the world my diminished state of mind — during a time when I was trying to process what had happened to my husband and my marriage — literally overnight — allowed him to feel better about his own harmful decisions.

Just think about that.

Using my temporary “crazy” to assuage his long-term guilt.

I must admit — it was a brilliant psychological strategy executed flawlessly by a well-trained, highly knowledgeable emotional assassin.

Talk about love bombing.

He performed mine with pin point precision and accuracy.

At times I felt sorry for him.

I wondered what had happened to this man to make him feel this way.

What made him feel justified in projecting his internal pain onto women, especially me?

Forgive. Or Simply Forget?

I firmly believe that people should not be held hostage to their past.

People should not be defined by their mistakes.

At the same time, I also believe that people should be held accountable for their actions.

Before loving someone again, it is not unreasonable to want to gain a better understanding of the dynamics that existed in your relationship that caused such a profound disconnect between the two of you.

Especially in the context of a committed relationship, forgiveness means taking the time, having the patience, and exhibiting the courage required to get to the root cause of the disconnection.

Within this framework, I learned that some people are not seeking true forgiveness.

What they really want is for you to forget.

They want you to not remember the profound pain they caused to you and your family.

S.A.N.E.

People who consistently ignore the pain of others are S.A.N.E — “Superficial And Non-Empathetic.”

S.A.N.E people are quick to call people like me “crazy.”

Ironically, they think they are the “sane” ones.

If people like that are sane then I am proudly I.N.S.A.N.E — meaning “I’m Not Superficial And Non-Empathetic.”

I am a person who can intelligently and coherently express my feelings and who puts in the work to get to the root cause of my issues and problems.

If that makes me crazy, then so be it.

I’ll take crazy over superficial any day.

S.A.N.E people inflict all sorts of pain upon others.

Yet, don’t expect them to stick around to help you process the pain they created.

Instead of courageously facing the consequences of their choices, they say things like “let it go” or “let’s just move on.”

People like this believe that resolution means not talking about “it.” Ever.

The Time Traveler

It took me years to figure out how he could have caused such pain to me and our family.

I am now convinced that he was some sort of “time traveler.”

He had bifurcated his feelings to the point where he was living in two separate universes simultaneously.

In one universe, he lived with me and our children.

And in another universe, he lived the life of a single man — with “Her.”

And, as I later learned “Them.”

In those other universes, he could do, say, and be anything he wanted.

In those other places with those other people, he found the external validation he had been seeking his entire life.

Never mind that such adoration was coming from people whose only purpose in his life was to stroke him and/or his ego.

By contrast, the universe with me and the children was secure and predictable — which apparently for a man in the throes of a mid-life crisis felt like some sort of “death.” In my mind’s eye, I can envision the thoughts he was thinking at that time. That old show “Married With Children” comes to mind. In fact, there were times when his face looked just like that. How could I not have seen “it” coming?

A Creative Escape

At some point during this journey, I began to write creatively to express my feelings and to channel my emotions. The remainder of the post is a fictionalized version of my awakening journey — my personal Odyssey — which I have titled “Disappearing Act.”

Synopsis

“He subjects her to what amounts to “emotional torture” — all done for the purpose of assuaging his guilt and to make himself feel better about the internal weakness he displayed by pursuing another relationship in the midst of his marriage — to have displayed such public and private disrespect toward a woman who bore Him a First-Born Son and an Alpha-Named Daughter.”

When writing the “Alpha-Named Daughter” part, the following names came to mind: “Athena”, “Aphrodite”, “Ariadne”, “Arachne”, “Ariel” — Goddesses and Daughters of Queens and Kings. Also, my mother, myself, and my daughter are “Alpha-Named.” With that, I calculated that there had to be some sort of energetic connection between: (1) the visualization of the first letter “A”; (2) the numeric concept of being “first”; (3) the mental and psychological feeling of being “Alpha”; and (4) the experience of the power and the strength of the Divine Feminine.

With that realization, the “Language of the Pyramids” opened up to me.

“They” are now urging me to write a different story — from their perspective.

I told them I would “think” about it.

Stay tuned…

Now, back to the story.

A “Wife” Speaks…

The ambiguity associated with loving this man drove me “crazy” — which in retrospect is more accurately described as the external projection of the deep and profound confusion, ambiguity, conflict, and fear I was experiencing internally at the time. It took me years to fight my way back to myself and my reality.

50 Shades of “Gray”

Within his world, the rules would constantly change — and with no notice — leaving me in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and confusion. After a while, I just got tired of living within this “constantly shifting” environment — not knowing from one second to the next whether he truly loved me — or whether he would be forever distracted by “something else.”

Another Avatar

Perhaps the most challenging part of this experience was when his mood or behavior toward me would abruptly change. There were times when he would leave out the door as one man and then return home as a completely different person. Eventually he became a stranger to me.

Of course — upon reflection — I realize now that those seemingly abrupt mood swings were due to the fact that he had met someone new — some other little “bird” he plucked from the sky and wanted to play with for a while. As soon as “something new” caught his eye, he would begin a process to diminish the old, which for nearly two decades was me.

A Ghost I Could See But Not Feel

One thing I know for sure is that when this man is ready to “do something else” — he simply disappears.

In the past, upon finding a new bird, he would just simply leave the previous nest without saying a word.

A “disappearing act,” indeed.

In the back of my mind, I am thinking, “How did I not see that one coming? He told me who he is from the very beginning.”

Talk about ghosting.

Yet, once I really thought about it, was he ever truly there?

Or, was the love I felt for him and the love I believed he felt for me a mirage?

A rare and temporary phenomenon?

It took me years to realize that he did not leave me.

Rather, he simply extinguished the universe we had created together.

Also known as a discard — it is a process I learned not to take personally.

Indeed, once unmasked in my world, he had no further use for me or the world we had created together.

He is now living a brand new life — in a completely different universe —as another Avatar — being the S.A.N.E. person he is.

Writer’s Post Script:

Linking this post with a previous one brings this painful timeline to a close for me. With the cycle complete, I do not intend to write about Him, Her, or Them ever again. Now, whenever I feel an urge to revisit those feelings and that timeline, I go to my playlist. By the last song, I have lifted my head to the sky and thereafter I find myself in another dimension — where I am protected by my past and my future is Now. Indeed, by the last song, I feel completely over “it” — yet once again.