Stop Falling for the Prince Charming/Sleeping Beauty Effect — How to Avoid the Wrong Partners

Photo by Baran Lotfollahi on Unsplash

If you ever met someone and said “This is the one!” you fell for the Prince Charming (or Sleeping Beauty) effect. It doesn’t matter if you ended up together. That initial spark was a figment of your imagination.

This is a different feeling from simple attraction. Initial desire based on what you see is of course normal and appearance based, but that deeper feeling of love at first sight? Not exactly what it seems.

The human mind is prone to projection, the tendency to fill in missing or ambiguous information with personal preferences, wishes, dreams, or fears. When you have a great date or even a stimulating conversation with someone new, we make two mental leaps, (1) that this interaction is representative of their personality and behavior in other contexts (a form of the cognitive bias called the fundamental attribution error) and (2) what we don’t know about them is probably similar to how we would act ourselves or wish our partner would be (Prince Charming effect).

Now that you know this, what do you do? How do you move forward with this person? The trick is focusing on what truly matters to understanding who someone is and looking out for those characteristics. Below are 9 core questions to ask that can level set your emotions and begin to explore if this person is right for you.

1. What do you know about this person? Not what they told you. What did you observe? He’s friendly at bars. She treated the wait staff respectfully. He showed up late with little apology. Focus on what you can see and know for sure and write it down. Writing can activate the more rational part of your brain and give yourself a true sense of what you’re working with.
2. How do they manage their anger? Are they sensitive to criticism? If you have never seen them angry or have never had an argument with them, you don’t know a big part of them. Plain and simple. That takes time. Don’t start an argument for fun, but also don’t rush into something without seeing the full range of their personality.
3. How do they cope with stress? Do they avoid it whenever possible? Do they cautiously approach difficult situations? Do they jump in without any apparent fear? Do they seek others out for support? Do they blame others or perhaps blame themselves? Do they channel anxiety into exercise or hobbies? You can get a sense of this as they talk about their day.
4. Do they maintain appropriate boundaries? This is a big one that can spell problems down the line. Unfortunately, we only tend to spot it when there are other reasons not to like the person. “Love bombing” is a clear example of this (too much attention and gifting too early), but so is self-disclosure (telling you about childhood traumas, personal secrets, or struggles) too early in your relationship. You may be in a hurry to find that special mate and see this initial attention as flattering from someone you like, but too much, too soon, can be indicative of someone who is too needy, controlling, and won’t respect your space or boundaries later on. On the other hand, not telling someone things about yourself at a later time in the relationship when it is appropriate, also may be a problem.
5. Are they flexible? Can they accept influence? Are they rigid or stubborn in their thinking? Relationships grow and change. People evolve. For a relationship to be successful, partners must be somewhat flexible in their thinking, adapt to new situations and learn from their partners. It is possible to be too malleable, however. You do not want to date a doormat with no strong beliefs or views. Look for someone who is open to new experiences and ideas at a level you’re comfortable with while still maintaining the stability you need.
6. Are they reliable and dependable? Do they seem have a healthy sense of self-discipline? Or, are they lazy and seem to float through life? Is there a sense that they’re too impulsive or, conversely, too controlling or structured?
7. Are they kind, not only to you, but to others? Are they honest? Are they humble and modest? Do they seem to care more about others or themselves? Can they stand up for themselves and say no when necessary?
8. Are they ambitious? Do they pursue the goals that they set out to reach? Can they adjust or reprioritize those goals when others need their attention or the goals are not working out?
9. Are they happy and joyful? Do they seek excitement? Are they active and fun loving? Can they refocus on others’ emotions when needed and connect with their negative emotions and the negative emotions of others?

Many people looking for love focus on what their potential partners do, like, where they travel, how they dress, and who they know. These characteristics are important, but not as important as who they are.

Avoid letting your mind jump to conclusions about who someone truly is by looking for the key characteristics above and asking the right questions. You can also ask yourself the same questions and explore if there are any areas where you have room for growth. Perhaps then you can get close to the fairy tale relationship you dream of.

Note: There is similarly named bias called the Prince Charming Complex, Syndrome, or Effect which states that the media fuels unrealistic and idealistic views of relationships that are founded on a man rescuing a woman, among other characteristics. That is a completely different bias than the one described in this article.