I decided to pass up the lifeguard position. Now, every time I hear or see their presence, I wonder if I’ve made a mistake. I have to consciously remind myself that it’s FOMO, or, rather, FOMMOD: Fear of missing my own delusion. There’s currently another boat grounded in Honolua Bay…

I recently reinstated my adult entertainment service as a means to combat death. I’ve been discovering that the more I restrict my sexuality, the more wrinkles appear on my face, the more I double down on back-breaking manual labor, and the more injured and misshapen I become. …

I ordered shrooms in the mail from where they’re legal to grow and sell. I wasn’t surprised that you can do this. Back in my heavy drug-use phase — which is light compared to those who’d joined me — everyone was ordering drugs in the mail from Silkroad 2.0, before…

The Crappy Childhood Fairy has shown up in my Youtube algorithm, on Valentine’s Day, reading a letter by someone who sounds like she could be me, except she’s not trying to save the world. She’s just worried she’s going to be single forever if she sticks to this one uninterested…

Right before I came to the south side of Maui, I saw a shark. I’d been mermaiding past the point called Dragon’s Teeth in Kapalua when I saw what I thought was a turtle, rising towards the surface, into the light. There was nothing else around. It was just a…

“Jim Carrey sent you a poster,” my mom reported, gleefully. My heart sank. “Daddy and I think it’s his agents who sent it,” she continued. We were talking on the phone. It was her birthday today. I knew what getting a poster meant, but I started asking questions anyway, “What’s…

I woke up at 2am from a Jim Carrey dream. When the dream started I was in the ocean meeting Jim again. He was with Paul and it was almost a replay of the same scene I’d experienced in reality, except, this time, Jim Carrey had had a stroke. He…

I was on all fours in the sand in front of his house. “Can you put your top lower so your ass is in the air?” asked Molly, lightly tapping my back. Halfway through her question I’d already complied. We both knew the mission. “There we go!” she said. “Ok…

And it was also like a dream, so I have to write it down before I forget it. I met him in the ocean today. I was looking out into the distance because something that could’ve been a shark’s fin was out there: black, a triangle, right against the surface…