Gender Nonconforming

7 min readJan 18, 2023

…a revelation

Understanding that I am gender nonconforming was a revelation. I am a straight, married, and identify with my assigned gender. The clothes I wear do not fully conform with what men are ‘supposed to wear’. This article is about how I choose to dress. Some of my clothing is labeled as women’s. This nonconforming expression of my gender, contrary to how I am expected to dress, has been a source of personal curiosity, uncertainty, and anxiety for years.

For a long time, I have been curious about my choice of clothing, and if there were others who share my predilection. I have felt a lot of uncertainty about how I dress. Anxiety is the uneasiness of mind caused by fear of misfortune, and mine was very real. I was afraid of being stigmatized or ridiculed and of losing respect, opportunity, or friendships and love.

Even in adolescence, though I was unaware of it, I did not conform with gender norms that were expected of me. Because I did not, I was bullied and teased by peers and my own siblings. I dressed differently than other teenage boys my age. I was a little kid, who matured physically later than most of my peers. I wasn’t athletic and was frequently reminded of that fact. A lot of epithets were shouted my way in the corridors and locker room. Thankfully, I was oblivious to what many of them meant. My stature and creative talents were not the things that won high school popularity contests or earned me a varsity letter. My domestic skills and emotional expressions often did not conform to masculine expectations for my generation. Although the term did not exist then, I was gender nonconforming.

I preferred clothing that was viewed by some as feminine rather than manly. From the time I started buying my own clothes, I preferred boy’s underwear that was — to put it mildly — unconventional. I liked bikini styles that resembled girl’s underwear more than boys.

At the time, I didn’t think of my clothing choice as an act of nonconformance and wasn’t trying to make a statement; it was simply what I preferred.

An uncomfortable awareness of my gender nonconformance really began about twenty years ago when I started wearing women’s underwear. This discomfort was partly because by all outward appearances I looked very masculine. Initially, since I had always preferred unconventional men’s underwear, most of my selections looked very similar to what I was already wearing and went unnoticed. At first, even my wife didn’t notice. As we got comfortable with it, my choices became more recognizable as women’s things and a more evident expression of my feminine side. Today, I also wear leggings, women’s athleisure gear, camisoles, and other androgynous attire, sometimes daring myself to push the envelope. Some of my clothing is now a more obvious expression of gender nonconformance.

As my wardrobe of feminine underwear grew, I struggled with this unusual predilection of mine. It was important to me, but I didn’t understand what made it such an obsession. I wanted to know how common it was, and if there were other men like me out there.

Was it a ‘ just a fetish?’ Was I gay? Non-binary? Was I a crossdresser? Should I have been a female? How (ab)normal was my obsession with wearing panties? These were not simple questions with easy answers.

Recently, after years of searching, reading, writing and online exchanges in an effort to figure out what ‘category’ I belonged in, I stumbled upon an excellent, medically-reviewed article on Healthline.com titled, What Does It Mean to Be Gender Nonconforming? by Sian Ferguson.

“Gender nonconforming is a term given to people who don’t conform with the gender norms that are expected of them.”

In all the ways just described, and others that may be touched on later, I did not conform.

“The term usually refers to gender expression or presentation (that is, how someone looks and dresses). It can also refer to behavior, preferences, and roles that don’t conform to gender norms.
In other words, gender nonconforming can be used to describe people as well as actions, dress, and ideas.
Being gender nonconforming doesn’t necessarily mean you’re transgender or nonbinary, although you could be both.”

Finally, I had stumbled upon a way of understanding myself that made sense. As I eagerly read and reread Ferguson’s article, it became obvious that I could not articulate what I had been feeling, and wondering about how to describe myself, any more clearly. I am gender nonconforming.

“We can define gender expectations as the roles, dress, behavior, and appearance society expects people of certain genders to have…
Most of us don’t fully conform to those gender expectations all of the time.
A part of (our) gender expression may be to dress, behave, or present (our)selves in a gender-nonconforming way.
While some people feel that gender nonconformity is a part of their identity, for others, it’s more of a decision and an action than an identity.
So, if you want to identify with gender nonconformity, or if you want to use the term to describe yourself, your gender expression, or your social expression, you can do so. It’s a matter of your own preference.
According to Merriam-Webster, the first recorded use of the term was in 1991, when Lisa M. Diamond, Susan B. Bonner, and Janna Dickenson wrote:

Gender identity refers to an individual’s internalized psychological experience of being male or female, whereas gender nonconformity refers to the degree to which an individual’s appearance, behavior, interests, and subjective self-concept deviate from conventional norms for masculinity/femininity.

Being gender nonconforming isn’t the same as being nonbinary, although some people identify with both terms.
You don’t have to be nonbinary or transgender in order to be gender nonconforming.
Gender nonconforming actions can be big or small. Again, it’s important to remember that gender nonconformity depends on the cultural context.
Gender nonconformity can look like wearing “men’s” instead of “women’s” clothing for some, but not for everyone. It could also look like wearing androgynous clothing.
Gender nonconforming is a useful word to describe gender expression that falls outside of gender norms.
It’s also a broad term: Gender nonconforming could include feminine, masculine, or androgynous traits, or a mixture of the three.
This term can be ideal for people who enjoy playing around with gender expression or dressing in certain ways but who don’t want to use a specific word to cover their gender identity.”

For me, the term gender nonconforming fits. Ferguson’s explanation has given me a better understanding of myself. It has helped me to answer questions I posed earlier in this article and have been seeking answers to for years.

Is it a ‘ just a fetish?’ Am I gay? Non-binary? Am I a crossdresser? Should I have been a female? I now feel as though I have the answers to every one of those questions. As I have learned and now understand things…

Wearing women’s underwear is one way my expression of gender is nonconforming, but it doesn’t meet the definition of a fetish. That label doesn’t fit because wearing panties isn’t just about sexual gratification. It is, quite simply, a personal preference. A practical choice combining economy with comfort, and the look, fit and feel that best suits me — and I do love the variety.
While I am sometimes attracted to men, I identify as a heterosexual, and it’s where I am most comfortable.
I wore a nonbinary lapel pin for a while, but I am not non-binary. Non-binary has more to do with gender identity. I am quite comfortable with my gender as it was assigned at birth. Being gender nonconforming has heightened my sensitivity to and respect for all the wonderful ways we express our sexuality and made me more empathetic to those who do not conform to societal rules.
Many people don’t distinguish between men who discretely wear women’s underwear (and occasionally other lingerie or women’s clothing) and crossdressers who strive to emulate women, complete with makeup, wigs and full ensemble of feminine attire. It is an important distinction, and as I’ve learned from my ongoing inquiry, even a bit of a divide.
I am not transgender. I don’t suffer from gender dysphoria and am completely at peace with my gender identity.
I have learned that my fascination with wearing women’s underwear isn’t abnormal and is more common than many realize, through its prevalence is not well documented. Until recently, scientific or academic papers or books on the subject were almost nonexistent.