Saying No
« The Art of Being Assertive Vs Being Aggressive »
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Do you Feel Comfortable saying No ?
Are you Scared to hurt People’s Feelings by saying No ?
Do you Feel Rejected when someone says No to you ?
Do you have strong Emotional Reactions when you say No
& a Person tries to make you Feel Guilty ?
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Why it is that we Struggle so much to say No ?
There are 4 Main Core Reasons
– Fear of …
> Avoid Pain
– Please People to Be Accepted & Belong
> Seek Pleasure
– Experiencing Negative Unpleasant Consequences as Results
> Avoid Pain & Seek Pleasure
– Automated Responses, Generated by Being Educated & Conditioned from Early Childhood, so we don’t even think & question why we say, or do, or react, in that way !
> Avoid Pain & Seek Pleasure.
We don’t have to Feel Bad & Depressed about it !
That’s a common Experience & Reality
that All Human Beings Share, as it is drilled
in our Unconscious (Body) Subconscious (Mind),
from Early Childhood & Part of a Long Generational Inheritance
We Receive from Previous Generations, our Ancestors.We are Incarnated Here, to Update these Now “Outdated” Lineages.
Moving away from Old Paradigms to Create New Paradigms
for Human Consciousness to Evolve, just like they did it too,
& we are the ones who benefited from their Evolution Update !.
There is much more to Uncover & Discover about it
that’s what we are going to Explore & Reflect upon
with this Week’s Article that deepens the subject of
Creating Clear Healthy Boundaries !.
Tone is the hardest part of saying no.
Jonathan Price
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Why it is Important & it Matter
to Learn to Say NO ?
Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.
Anna Taylor
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Have you ever Noticed How Small Kids have this very Important Phase of Evolution & Development Stating Strong Affirmative NO ?
It is an early Sign & Great Healthy Signal of Individuation.
Saying No is Clearly Stating a Limit !
Saying No is Affirming our Individuality !
Saying No is Giving Space & Allowing our Yes’ !
Saying No is just Communicating & Letting Someone Know
What they …
- Can Do & Can’t Do
- Can Expect & Can’t Expect from us
- Have to Respect & Are Free to Do in the
Relationship, Partnership, Friendship
Saying No is just Communicating & Letting Someone Know
What We …
- Do or Don’t
- Limit or Not
- Tolerate or Not
- Expect or Don’t
- Will Do or Will Never Do
.
People can’t Know
what We don’t Communicate !
We Expect that People will Magically Guess
what We Want, Need, Expect, Dream & Wish for
to Spare us Learning the Skills & Actions of Communication !
We are no anymore Functioning from the
Consciousness & Paradigm of Baby
that a Mother has to Guess & Care for
We are supposed to Function from the
Consciousness & Paradigm of Maturing Adult
that Learn to Communicate for
Our Needs to Be Met
Our Boundaries to Be Respected
Our Values to Be Known
Our YES to Be Satisfied
No one can Guess for Us
No one can Know for Us
what’s happening within us
what We Ourself even don’t Know
what We have No Idea of What We Truly
Want, Need, Expect, Dream & Wish for
because …
Communication is
First Connecting & Communicating
with Ourself to inform us
then Second Connecting & Communicating
with People to inform them
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What are Our
Limits, No’s & Dealbreakers ?
I trust the instincts in my body; I get tension in my body if something isn’t right for me. I have to trust my instincts without knowing the full picture. ‘No’ is a complete answer. ‘No’ means, ‘I appreciate how much you want this, but I have to say no to you and say yes to myself.” Fending is indeed standing up for your ‘no.’ It also entails letting others know that you are capable of fending for yourself.
Julie Lythcott-Haims
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We Need to Know what are Our Own Limits, Boundaries, No’s & Dealbreakers if We want to Be Able to Be Assertive & Clear in Our Communication.
We have to Let Another Person Know Clearly what are our Limits, Boundaries, No’s & Dealbreakers if We want that they Respect Our Boundaries !
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What are the Limits, Boundaries, No’s & Dealbreakers in Relationships ?
That’s so Personal, that I Give You Here some Pointers & Examples, but You will have to Do this on your own, Looking at what they are for You !
Our Limits, No’s & Dealbreakers are Deeply Related to
OUR Own Needs, Values, Standards, Boundaries, Self-Knowledge
They May Be Different also depending on where are placed our Relationships (in the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th Circle)
See Previous Articles’ Homework.
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Limits
- Time with Co-workers after work
- Limited Time Availability for some People
- Limited Energy Availability for some People
- Limited Time Availability for Streaming, Social Media, Work, …
- Limited Attention Availability for News, Gossip, Dramas, …
- Limited Availability for some Unhealthy Thinking, Behaviors, Actions, …
- …
No’s
- Not Being Supported
- Not Being Celebrated
- Not Being Empowered
- Not Being Appreciated
- Not Having Needs Met Often
- No Productive Loving Partnership
- No Reciprocity in the Relationship
- Not Sharing Emotions, Feelings, Thoughts
- Misbalanced in the Give & Take Relationship
- Superficial Friendships & Social Connections
- Mariage or No Mariage
- Children or No Children
- Animals or No Animals
- Living abroad in a Foreign Country or not
- Not Being the All-Time House & Caretaker for Someone
- …
Dealbreakers
- Being Shamed
- Being Ghosted
- Being Criticized
- Being Neglected
- Being Gaslighted
- Being Triangulated
- Being Manipulated
- No Communication
- Not Being Valued & Honored
- Not Being a Compatible Match
- Not Being a Complementary Match
- Feeling No Mutual Respect is There
- Boundaries Being Crossed Consistently
- Addictions (Drug, Alcohol, Gambling, …)
- Being Bullied, Abused (Physically, Emotionally, Mentally)
- …
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Here is What Our Limits, Boundaries, No’s & Dealbreakers
Stand For …
Honor
Us, Partnership, Relationship, Friendship, People, Animal, Nature, Life, Soul, God
Protect
Our Small & Big YES’, Important Values, High Standards, Needs Being Met, Boundaries, Professional & Personal Life’s Goals
Give Space for
True Complementary or Compatible Relationships, Partnerships, Friendships, Activities that Match Our Core Needs, Values, Essentials
Care & Preserve
Health, Time, Energy, Integrity, Commitment, Contribution
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Saying NO
the Aggressive Way
Maturity is the ability to calmly and politely saying ‘no thank you’ to sh*t and moving on with life with dignity.
Rodolfo Peon
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We are quite very Uncomfortable, Tense & Uneasy around
Giving a No
Receiving a No
Feeling a NO without Feeling Rejected
That’s Because there are lots of Shame, Guilt, Manipulation, Identification, Unhealed Pain & Wounds of Rejection, Unworthiness & Other Issues Associated with & Wrapped around it,
that’s why We Feel Uncomfortable, Tense & Uneasy about it !
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Being Uncomfortable, Tense & Uneasy about it is what cause us to
- Be Aggressive & Explode
(Project our Internal Tensions & Conflicts)
Vs
- Communicate & Let Know
(Assert our Internal Clarity & Peace)
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In Short,
Being Aggressive
is just a Useful Pointer, a Healthy Sign to
- Acknowledge
What & Why We Feel
Tensions, Conflicts, Discomfort, Unease, Unrest, Negative Emotions & Feelings, … - Dig Deeper, Address
What & Why We Feel under
Shame, Guilt, Being Guilt-tripped, Being Manipulated, Being Controlled, Rejected, or Identified with what means & signifies Giving or Receiving a NO, … - Find Out
How to Feel & Connect with
Calm, Peace, Clarity, Confidence, Power, Authority, Integrity, Courage, Our Yes, … - Shift, Transform
the Energy of Aggression
into the Energy of Assertiveness
Within Us & Project it Externally !
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Saying NO
the Assertive Way
Saying ‘no’ to your children, when appropriate, is an act of love.
Frank Sonnenberg
Being Assertive is
Practical Demonstration of
Self-Love, Self-Respect, Self-Worth
in Our Relationship with Ourself
Practical Demonstration of
Care, Love, Respect, Value
in Our Relationships with People
… Being assertive shows that you respect yourself because you’re willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings. It also demonstrates that you’re aware of others’ rights and willing to work on resolving conflicts. … Mayo Clinic Article Excerpt on Stress Management
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Being Assertive
Benefit Us & Allows Us to
- Affirm our Individuality
- Shape our Character Traits
- Communicate, Express & Listen
- Express Our Feelings & Emotions
- Express from a Place of Calm & Clarity
- Express Our Point of View & Perspectives
- Feel Emotionally Stable, Strong & Grounded
- Feel Our Integrity, Courage, Dignity, Authority
- Feel Confident, Empowered, Aligned & Be Ourself
- Reduce Stress, Tensions, Aggression, Negative Emotions
- Being Seen, Listen & Heard from Another Person
- Make Another Person Feel also Seen, Listen & Heard
- Receive Another Person’s Feelings & Emotions
- Receive Another Person’s Point of View & Perspectives
- Let Know Clearly Another Person
Who we are, What to Expect, How we Act & Relate - Build Great Relationship Dynamics based on
Clear Communication, Mutual Respect, Love & Care - Deescalate & Resolve Conflicts
- Find Common Ground if Possible
- Feel Love, Empathy, Compassion
for Ourself & People - Longterm Negative Unpleasant Consequences
- Don’t have lingering Feelings of Resentments, Bitterness
in the Relationship that festers with Time !
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Why it is Difficult & Challenging
to Affirm Clear Strong NO ?
What’s helped with saying no to others is asking myself first if I’m saying yes out of guilt or fear. If so, then it’s a polite no.
Neil Strauss
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As We Grow up, We are Educated & Conditioned Early in Life, during Childhood, to Function, Behave, Express & Act in Specific Ways toward our Family, Relatives, Friends, Social Connections, School, Communities, Society, Faith, Spirituality, …
Depending on our Social Surroundings & Education
we Learn or not to
- Say Yes or not
- Say No or not
- Communicate or not
- Express Ourself or not
- Assert Boundaries or not
- Affirm Our Identity or not
- Have Our Needs Met or not
- Follow Our Aspirations or not
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What is commonly experienced by all or most humans, throughout all types & different societies, cultural norms & religious background are
both
– Social Fears to be shamed, isolated, rejected, cast out, ignored.
&
– Social Desires to be seen, wanted, belong, be accepted, be significant.
&
– Core Human Needs to be, exist, connect, individualize, express, contribute.
Here are some Pointers …
- Fear of Pain
- Fear of Suffering
- Fear of Disappointing
- Fear of Letting Down Someone
- Fear of Hurting People’s Feelings
- Fear of Making Someone Feeling Rejected
- Fear of Feeling Rejected
- Fear of Feeling Abandoned
- Fear of Being Out of Control
- Fear of Being Socially Shamed
- Fear of Negative Consequences
- Desire to Be Noticed
- Desire to Be Needed
- Desire to Please People
- Desire to Be Lovable, Attractive
- Desire to Be Loved, Appreciated
- …
- Need to Be Part of …
- Social Need for Connection
- Social Need for Recognition
- Need to Express Who We are
- …
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If Saying No, means Being Deprived of Something We Value more,
like Being Accepted & Appreciated …
We are NOT Saying No,
— We Sacrifice — Our Limits, No’s, Dealbreakers, Boundaries
— to Serve & Protect — Our Fears, Desires, Needs.
Putting them FIRST
& Putting SECOND Our Limits, No’s, Dealbreakers, Boundaries.
That Means if We want to have the Ability
to Say No, Assert Clear Healthy Boundaries
We Need to Value FIRST
Saying No, Asserting Clear Healthy Boundaries
more than Value FIRST
Fears, Desires, Needs, Social Needs.
That’s a Choice & Decision to Place
Courage, Confidence & Integrity
as Our Main Core Personal Values !
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How Saying No is a Necessity
for Clear Healthy Boundaries !
It’s OK to have boundaries. You can tell someone “no” without having bad feelings toward them. You also never need to explain your boundaries once laid. A wise friend often states that “no” is a complete sentence.
Mat Auryn
Why Limits, No’s, Dealbreakers, Boundaries are a Necessity ?
Here are some Pointers …
- It Empower & Give Space our YES’
- It Places us as a PRIORITY in our Life
- It Gives us Self-Respect & Respect for People
- It Places our Loved Ones as a PRIORITY in our Life
- It Gives us Time, Energy & Money to Invest in what We
Want, Need, Aspire, Dream to Achieve in our Life - It cut out Distractions that eat our Time, Energy & Money
- It Makes us Focus on what Matters most to us
- It Reduces or Eliminate Social Connections & Relationships
that eat our Joy, Peace, Time, Energy & Money - It Makes us Calm, Confident, Composed & in Control
of Affirming what Feels Right for us - It Guide us to Create & Shape our Life toward People & Experiences that are Compatible, Complement us most Perfectly !
- It Makes us Understand that People who say No to us, said it for them not because of us, or because we are not Worth it, or don’t Deserve it !
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How Saying No Serve Us to
Reduce or Eliminate Distractions !
Saying no to small things means saying yes to big things.
Amit Kalantri
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Distractions
is One of Our most Biggest Problems & Challenge, in this current modern time, it is amplified by Online Activities like …
Multiple Social Medias Channels Content, Movies & Series Streaming Multiple Channels Offers, Limitless Online Shopping Possibilities, Mobile Phone Messaging & Availability to Connect at All Time, Growing Emails List, …
that Scattered Our
Attention … Ability to Focus, Detach, Relax & Engage
in Meaningful Activities, Hobbies, Connections, Relationships
Distractions is what we often use to numb out from
Fatigue, Stress, Problems, Health issues, Lack of Energy, Isolation, …
.
Saying No Serve Us to
Reduce or Eliminate Distractions like …
that Create Other
Issues, Challenges, Problems, Addictions, Compulsive Behaviors that We have to Deal with as …
- Social Medias Scrolling & Content Consumption
Consequences >
Develop ADHD Behaviors . Being Consistently Involved, Busy & Occupied . Lack of Ability to Focus & Be Attentive for a long time . Lack of Ability to Connect with People & Surroundings . Numbing out from … Fatigue, Stress, Difficult Emotions, Personal & Relationship Issues . Develop Compulsive Behaviors . Being Overwhelmed with informations . Not having Space for Silence, Inactivity, Detachment that Allow us to Rest, Relax & Feel Space . … - Movies & Series Streaming
Consequences >
Being Consistently Involved, Busy & Occupied . Develop Compulsive Behaviors . Addictions that Create Lack of Rest & Sleep . Not having Time & Space to Process Experiences, Thoughts, Emotions, Feelings . Replace Time for Social Connection & Shared Experiences with Loved Ones . … - Online Shopping
Consequences >
Develop Compulsive Behaviors . Addictions that Create Debt or Financial Problems . Numbing out from Difficult Emotions, Experiences, Relationship Issues . Replacing Social Connections by Objects & Material Possessions . Accumulation of Unnecessary Things, Clothes, … . - Compulsion to Being on the Phone, Computer
Consequences >
Lack of Presence in Personal Connection . Lack of Connection with Surroundings . Amplify Boredom when not Being Occupied . Develop Compulsive Behaviors . Being Busy Vs Being Productive . Being Unavailable . Lost in Virtuality . Lose of Concrete Connection to Physicality (Body, Nature, Elements, …) . Numbing out from Difficult Emotions, Experiences, Relationship Issues . Not having Time & Space to Process Experiences, Thoughts, Emotions, Feelings . … - …
None of these are Bad & not Useful, Helpful,
but the Abundance of it, Limitless Availability, Overwhelming Tons of Offers Choices, Infinite Possible Ability to Consume it
Rather than make us Happy & Satisfied,
Make us Disconnected, Unhealthy & Unbalanced !
The Limits, No’s, Dealbreakers, Boundaries.
SERVE us, Adult & Children alike, Protect Our Ability to Focus on
what makes us Truly Healthy, Balanced, Satisfied, Happy & Content
by Clearing Out Distractions that Daily are on our Way to True Happiness !
All Online Activities are very Damaging
for Youth Development & Evolution.
Small Children Exposed to Phones & Computer too early, Lack Basic Sensorial Development that Creates a Lack of Essential Neural pathways being built, that Serve them during their whole Life, like basic motor skills with hands & whole body abilities to respond to the environment.
Teenage Children Exposed to Phone & Computer too often, are affected by Massive Exposure to Online Hate & Bully, Huge Level of Comparison, Social Isolation, Sexual Predators, … before they are able to rely on a strong individuation that supports their self-esteem, self-confidence, trust, self-worth … they have great mental health issues challenges related to that … being overexposed to screens, social media & online behaviors.
Unchecked, They are also Addictions !
Children hooked on Phone, Computer, Tablet, Video Games are experiencing withdrawal symptoms that are very similar to drug addictions & substances abuse !
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Weekly Guidance & Homework
Saying no is a skill; when and how to say no is an art.
Vikrmn
This Week’s Homework is
4x 30 min a Week of Journaling Sessions
or
2h a Week of Journaling Sessions
1
Journal & Clarify What
are Your …
or your Loved Ones, if you have Children Boundaries will make them Feel Contained, more Loved, Cared for, Safe & Secure.
(Use this Week’s Pointers, Given in the Different Article Parts, to Find Out)
- Limits
- No’s
- Dealbreakers
- Boundaries
.
2
Journal & Clarify Why
they Best Serve You & Protect Your Life
or your Loved Ones, if you have Children Boundaries will make them Feel Contained, more Loved, Cared for, Safe & Secure
(Use this Week’s Pointers, Given in the Different Article Parts, to Find Out)
- Allow
- Serve
- Honor
- Protect
- Preserve
- Give Space for
.
3
Journal & Clarify What
Prevent You to Say No & Be Assertive
(Use this Week’s Pointers, Given in the Different Article Parts, to Find Out)
- Fears about
- Desires to
- Needs for
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In Short
Point 1
Give You the Self-Knowledge about You & Your Life
Your No’s, Limits, Boundaries, Dealbreakers
Point 2
Give You the Why it Matter to
Say No, Pose Limits, Establish Boundaries, Have Dealbreakers in Place
What it Allows, Serve, Honor, Protect, Preserve, Give Space for
Point 3
Inform You of what can Block You, Make you Avoid
Being Assertive of Your No’s, Limits, Boundaries, Dealbreakers
These 3 Points will Empower You
to Create Clear Healthy Boundaries, Say No
& Be Assertive Vs Being Aggressive
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I Hope that this Article
provided you some New Light
Invite You to Practice a Brand New Paradigm
Create that Beautiful Empowering New Relationship
with your Emotions & Feelings, Needs & Boundaries.
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Take Care, Be Well
Feel Loved & Be Blessed
Shakti 💕 💞 💗 ✨
Thank You to Generously
Share this Knowledge Easy to Apply
It can Change Lives & Generate a Positive Impact
to anyone that wants to have greater Relationships
& the Ones who Feel at the end of their rope
for a temporary moment … or now for a long time.
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Read my Bio
You want to Work with me & this Year’s Materials,
Go to the bottom of this page for more Information & Contact-me !
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So … What are your Main
Insights, Aha Moments, Breakthroughs, Transformations
from this Week’s Article ?
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Is your Relationship with Emotions, Feelings, Needs & Boundaries
have started to Shift, Start to Show Results & Transformations ?
.
Are you Feeling more at Peace with Your
Emotions, Feelings, Needs & Boundaries. ?
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The more you Participate, Share & Interact with this content,
the more you can Reflect, Harvest, Integrate & Embody
the Knowledge I Share, so it becomes your Daily Reality.Reading is Good, a Great First Step, but will vanish quite Quickly if it
stay a 10 minutes activity, means change & transformation can’t occur !Participating is Greater, Building more long-term memory
& long-lasting Synaptic neural pathways in your brain !… in Short, the information doesn’t quickly vanish, is & stays temporary
but become an anchored long-term reference point you can access from
where you can think & act from, means change & transformation occurs !
Please Share in the Comment any of your
Questions, Explorations, Discoveries
& How you Feel about Emotions & Feelings,
its Impact on your Life & Relationships.
Let’s Restore Peace & Balance within
Build a New Relationship where
you Thrive with Vs Suffer Your Emotions & Feelings.
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Next Week We Continue …
Moving another Step Deeper into the
– Learning the Language of Emotions, Feelings –
« Saying Yes »
Being Connected to & Trusting our Inner Yes
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Last Week We have Explored …
« Creating Healthy Boundaries »
Practical Self-Love & Self-Care
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There will Be a Series of Audio Guided Sessions released this Year, so You can have more Help, Support & Empowerment for Your Journey, Overcoming … Blocks, Challenges & Feeling Lost, Stuck or Confuse with Your Emotions, Feelings, Inner Critic, Self-Expression.
Want to Be Notified when Audio will be Released & Available, email me !
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Disclaimer
This content is for educational purposes only, if you have any Mental Health issues, please do reach out to a professional & get the support, care you need.
It can allow you to move through everything you experience, much more easier & faster in your healing journey, mental health care process.
You deserve to receive the right support for you to feel better & healthy.
