What is self-awareness, and how is that important in a relationship? In this blog, I want to take you on a metaphorical journey involving BEARS.
Bears — relationships — are everywhere, and we all see them. We see them on television, film, and around us. Some of us choose to hunt bears, and others shy away from the hunt. Why is that? I wonder…
Who do you take on the hunt?
I invite you to immerse yourself in this analogy, and perhaps it might give you a better understanding of yourself and your relationships.
The 6 Types of Bears — Which one are you?
Of the people who have seen relationships (=bears), you will find 6 subtypes. For the purpose of this analogy, let’s assume each subtype is a level of “bearness”, and that this level of bearness = self-awareness.
So, let’s call these types: baby bear, scared bear, lost bear, academi-bear, care bear, and… well, there’s dead bear. I shall explain these sub-types below:
1) BABY BEAR — Saw a bear, didn’t engage
This is the largest group of subtypes, simply because it’s mostly occupied by children and young teens. Baby bears, either by age or choice see relationships occur around them, but do not engage. They may have seen relationships on TV, in films, between their parents, or friends, but they themselves have not engaged in a relationship. A ‘baby bear’ doesn’t need to be a child, as some adults choose a life without relationship (=clergy), but in the most core sense of this analogy, a ‘baby bear’ is a person who does not engage or is yet to engage in a relationship. These are the inexperienced bunch.
2) SCARED BEAR — Saw a bear, got mauled, and refuses to ever consider being near another bear again
These are the types of people who have been in a relationship, got hurt, and vow never to be in another relationship again. They are hurting. These are the heartbroken and the bitter.
3) LOST BEAR — Saw a bear, got mauled, denies being mauled, and continues with hunting
This is the second largest group of subtypes who have seen bears and is mostly composed of adults. Arguably when you look around you *right now*, and see relationships, you’ll most likely be seeing lost bears. Lost bears can be in relationships and they may seem to even hold down long-term ones, but the quality of those relationships is stunted. That’s because lost bear brings their denial of previous mauling into the new relationship. Their denial of mauling is sometimes obvious (declaring player status, or refusing to show their emotions), but sometimes their denial is hidden, and unknown to lost bear.
If lost bear is unaware of the impact of previous mauling, they might exhibit behaviours that are confusing (being incongruent, being unavailable emotionally, being unwilling to commit, or being unable to deeply reflect upon themselves), or they can exhibit no distinct behaviours in particular. So, many lost bears continue to be lost and don’t they are lost. In some ways, that ignorance is bliss. In other ways, that ignorance causes ongoing heartache. Lost bears are very common. It’s sad, but these are the typical bunch.
4) ACADEMI-BEAR — Saw a bear, got mauled, accepts it, and decides to learn everything there is to know about bears, before (or sometimes during) going out hunting again
This is one of the smaller sub-types which is largely misunderstood. Here, a person has experienced mauling, and they want to understand why it happened. Academi-bears are all about learning. They research, they analyze, they reflect. While academi-bears try very hard to be pro-active in new relationships, to talk about relationship troubles and reflect their feelings, they tend to view the world as if everyone should also be an academi-bear. Yes, this is a terrible flaw! Yet, academi-bears have good intentions. Academi-bears seek to become aware of their past experiences and how that affects their future relationships. As such, academi-bears spend a lot of time in self-reflection, and thus they understand that to become a care bear, you need to first be an academi-bear. These are the reflective and analytical types, probably committed to therapy.
5) CARE BEAR — Saw a bear, got mauled, learned from it, went out hunting again, sat next to a bear, and I patted it
This is the tiny subtype of bears which all of us long to be part of. The care bears are the ones who’ve ‘made it’. Care bears have seen and done it all: They have been a baby bear once, they have been a lost bear, and maybe even a scared or dead bear. They have studied hard as an academi-bear and learned from past mauling. Now, all that work has come together, and they have a healthy, loving relationship. Care bears talk openly in the relationship, discussing issues that come up, they are loving, kind, and accept their own failings. They are continually learning, but do not castrate others for their bearness. Care bears are the unicorns of the bear world. These are the people we long to be, yet many of us never reach this level of bearness. These are the rare, the special, the authentic!
6) Oh, and there’s DEAD BEAR — Seen a bear, got mauled, and ‘died’
This is a small subtype of bears. Call it fate, call it misfortune, call it nasty, but sometimes bearness feels deathly. In this analogy, let’s just say ‘dead bear’ is a state of mind: a hanging depression, or “stuckness”. Let’s say these are the sad bears who get mauled and then silently internalize their pain. Perhaps they are trapped in a cycle of abuse, unable to see their worth, unable to reach out for help; just stuck. But it’s not the end — while ‘dead bear’ struggles a lot, and its name seems final, these bears can rise from the ashes. They just need to find their way from getting mauled, to getting help, so they can live again. Don’t be a dead bear!
So, now that you understand the bear types, let’s talk about bear hunting. Let’s look at relationships unfolding, growing, and developing. Let me introduce an example of being in a lodge in the snow—
Dating vs. Relationship
Imagine you are walking into a lodge, with the desire to hunt bears. You are here, in this lodge, because you strive to find a care bear. You, like everyone (except scared bears) want a relationship. You aim to be a care bear and to find a care bear to love. You want something real, something meaningful, something loving. You look around and see a whole different group of people. Some you can immediately rule out, because of your past experiences, or your personal preferences. Others take your eye. One or two may stand out, and you may find yourself deeply attracted. You can speak to anyone, learning more about them in this lodge, but you can only take 1 single person out on the hunt with you.
Who do choose to take on the hunt?
Who do you take on the hunt?
Now, I know, you’re probably thinking, “care bear”, of course! Yep, we all want care bear, but they, like all bears, don’t have giant flashing neon signs denoting their worth.
We all want care bear… but how do you find her?
I propose that’s what dating is for. Dating enables you to figure out A) which bear you are; B) which bear your partner is; C) whether you’re okay with that.
Leaving the lodge…
Dating happens in the lodge. The relationship happens outside the lodge. And there are no rules of how to best date, or how to best create a relationship, but I think there’s an important difference here, that must be noted.
To declare ‘relationship status’ is to remark to yourself and the world, that you have chosen the bear you want. And while many lost bears declare themselves proudly and leave the lodge quickly, only to find themselves traipsing back through the snow, mauled and alone, the act of declaration is something that is special. Declaring that you have chosen this bear for a relationship- that matters. And it also would suggest that when you leave together, to hunt together, to develop your bond together, there’s also a level of commitment to the hunt.
Right, so now you might think, leaving the lodge means ‘marriage’? If we must take this analogy further, I guess marriage would be leaving the lodge, scaling a mountain, staking a flag with two bears on it, and bellowing out your love to one another. Errr, so leaving the lodge is only the first step in that journey…
The Hunt!
The analogy here thickens. That is, the person you choose to take on the hunt is in fact the person you’re in a relationship with. And that might sound weird or silly, but many bears (baby, scared and lost) think that the relationship is something “out there” to obtain. Many bears think that love is “out there” to obtain. That going on the hunt is where you find the relationship; that going on the hunt is where you find love.
I propose it is not. I propose that love is choice based on that connection between the two of you. A relationship is the space, the ‘somethingness’ that exists between the two of you. Yes, you’re going on a hunt, but you’re doing it together. You are leaving together, by choice, together. You have chosen the bear you want, and you’re off into the wilderness!
Into the Wild
…See Part 2 for more!
