Relationships are everywhere, happening all the time. But it is the romantic relationship that drives us human beings. Perhaps from a survival point of view; an instinctual drive to replenish the race? Or, maybe it’s a yearning for connection; a psychological drive to be loved?
In my previous blog (Part 1), I introduced the idea that bearness=awareness. I chose this somewhat silly analogy to highlight the importance of self-awareness in relationships, and to explain what it means to “date” and to “be in relationship” — two areas which dominate romance, and yet are largely misinterpreted or misunderstood.
If you haven’t read it yet, I recommend you check out my previous blog (Part 1), so that you can follow along now. The bear analogy continues!
Into the Wild!
As you have now chosen your bear ‘pawtner’, you now are ready to head out into the wild, to build the space between you: the relationship.
Being in the wilderness together can bring many challenges: bear traps, crossing gushing rivers, deep chasms, sudden avalanches, not having enough food, ecological traumas, the joy and difficulty of raising bear cubs; and these are things you work out together. These are things which happen in relationship.
But, what if the challenges are overwhelming? What if one bear is confident climbing in snow, and the other struggles? What if one bear understands what to do about bear traps, but the other keeps getting caught in them and bleeding? What do you do? How can you work through that?
Conflict and bearness
Knowing your bearness subtype is very helpful in choosing a partner, but it also raises the notion of conflict. That is, we may not always choose our partner based solely on their level of bearness. Sometimes, you just like someone. Now, though it is very rare for an academi-bear or care bear to date a lost bear, other matches do happen, and they bring with them challenges.
Here are some examples:
Lost bear is in denial of their past maulings, so they may continually have issues with other bears because they can’t recognize the problem within themselves. Lost bear may have a string of “bad relationships”, and though those relationships may not lead to dead bearness, lost bears may not be able to see or manage their difficulties. An example of this is where two lost bears are in a relationship. They can either plod along with no real drama (as if they have “settled for less” or decided “okay is good enough”), or they can magnificently tailspin into dead bear territory. A silver lining is, when lost bear recognizes that they are continually dissatisfied, they can start the journey of becoming an academi-bear.
Another conflict that’s seen is when baby bear ends up dating lost bear, and the little baby suffers exponentially from mauling. Ouch. This happens a lot, particularly in young relationships. In adult relationships with two baby bears, they can have a lot of fun because neither has preconceptions, but as you may infer, baby bear relationships require a dedication to quickly stepping into academi-bear role, to work together through their issues of inexperience.
Academi-bear, as previously noted in Part 1 has a tendency to educate, which will totally repulse lost bears, and (over time) will irritate baby bears. On the flip side, academi-bears are often revered by dead bears. Academi-bear gets into conflict because they are still learning. An example is, if baby bear were dating academi-bear, a challenge would also present: baby would need to find a sense of strength to leap across the bearness steps of “lost and scared”, to believe in themselves enough to reach that highest height of academi-bearness, and academi-bear would need to be patient to allow baby to find their footing in the world.
As, you can see, conflict is linked to bearness.
What about care bears?
Care bears by their nature may seem to never get into conflict, but this is a misnomer. Care bears experience conflict like anyone else, but they manage the conflict differently.
While few in numbers, care bears are rarely attracted to baby, lost, dead or scared bears. Care bear, unlike academi-bear, is beyond the notion of being a teacher of bearness, especially in relationship. Care bearness may align with people who work in environmental and psychological fields, so perhaps they are comfortable teaching others, but in relationship care bears seek their kin. Now, it may seem as if care bear is being arrogant here — to only want to be with their own kind, but I propose a care bear is not like that. A care bear looks for the good of all, and reflects — the good of all involves bears finding their own way through self-bearness.
As an academi-bear, myself, having experienced baby, lost, and dead levels of bearness, I acknowledge that I’m still working towards care bear levels. I’m not there yet. However, being an academi-bear, I also realize the steps towards care-bearness-like enlightenment. I have met care bears, and I recognize their goodness, and it makes sense to me that they would not date other bears. As you move through levels of bearness, as you learn, you may also see this.
When conflict leads to break-ups
You chose your bear, you went out into the wildnerness, you tried to overcome differences, but now it’s all falling apart. What do you do?
Well, you are never bound eternally to the bear you have chosen. Even marriage can end in divorce, or you could decide to part before ever scaling that mountain. You are always free to make decisions to either be together, or to be apart.
I do not have all the answers here, and to quote a care bear, “let them find their way”. I think it’s important to remember that the levels of bearness are not finite. You can move between them. You have free will. You have choice.
You can choose to love someone — You can choose to open your heart, to maybe get mauled again, but to have faith. You can choose to shy away from bear hunting, to live a life of scared bearness. It’s up to you.
The romantic relationship is something which it seems to be HUMAN to want, to desire. It offers an opportunity to really grow.
If you believe in something more, in being your best self, then I invite you to open your heart and mind and to become the care bear that you are capable of becoming…
