Want a Healthy Relationship? Beware of These 5 Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others
We never know how a new relationship is going to turn out. Still, there are some common red flags. You should be careful about these 5 potentially toxic traits and behaviors if you want to develop a healthy and mutually respectful relationship with someone.
If we only had a crystal ball and knew exactly how a relationship would play out. It would save us so much hurt and disappointment. However, we do not.
It is safe to say everyone has had at least one bad relationship in their lifetime. Be it a romantic partner, a friend, or someone we were engaged with professionally. And, on some occasions, we could have prevented the pain we endured — if we had only steered away from the person when we noticed the warning signs.
Although it is impossible to say with certainty when a relationship will be toxic, certain traits and behaviors tend to produce unhealthy dynamics.
5 Toxic Traits and Behaviors to Avoid in Others
Both anecdotal evidence and psychological practice recognize traits and behaviors that may be labeled “undesirable” in interpersonal relationships.
I am not saying you should immediately eliminate someone from your life when you notice these five traits.
Every situation is different. Every person is unique.
People can change (to various degrees) when motivated to do so. You should always assess specific factors in the particular state of affairs before you make any decision.
However, do exercise caution. Time and time again, people get hurt when they enter relationships with friends and romantic or business partners unsuitable for them.
The list below is guidance on traits or behaviors to be wary of in people with whom you are about to enter a relationship. Even if it seems like someone has a personality that completely matches yours, that doesn’t mean that they are exempt from being someone who displays unhealthy or toxic behaviors in a relationship.
1. Step Away from Verbally Aggressive People
Verbally aggressive people curse, swear, and yell. Or, they can be passively aggressive, using sarcasm to hurt you. Their word choice and tone are meant to insult, humiliate, and intimidate you.
And this is bad enough.
Verbal aggression is particularly hurtful for highly sensitive people, who get intensely overwhelmed with conflicts.
Additionally, verbal aggression is often the stepping stone to emotional abuse and physical violence. Not everyone who is verbally aggressive will engage in other forms of abuse. However, it is rare for a psychological and physical abuser not to be verbally vicious, too.
When you let others talk to you that way, you signal that you might put up with worse mistreatment down the line.
2. Do Not Invest Heavily in Emotionally Distant Individuals
Let us be honest. For many of us, a mystical, magnetic pull surrounds emotionally distant individuals. Even though we know that pursuing such a person (for romance or friendship) may not be the best idea, we feel the lure and often cannot resist.
Yes, I, too, am guilty of this “crime.”
Some of us think we will be that special someone who cracks the tough shell of the aloof unattainable seducer. Yet, as a rule, we find ourselves in an endless and exhausting tug of war. The more we seek closeness and affection, the more the emotionally guarded individual will pull back.
So, restrain yourself from investing too heavily in such a person. They will make you feel you must bend backward and perform extraordinary gestures daily — and still, nothing happens.
3. Think Well if You Can Meet an Overly Demanding Person’s Needs
The flip side of the coin is the person who clings on too much (and too soon). Maybe you knew such a person once. They become too open, too close, and too needy — in a matter of hours after meeting you.
At first, it might seem you truly met someone you get along with perfectly. A clingy person’s warmth might feel familiar and safe. They seem to get you right away and like the same things you do.
Still, some people are overly demanding of affection and closeness. It is not a reflection of genuinely “clicking” with someone. It is a modus operandi dictated by their insecure (anxious, in particular) attachment style.
Suppose you engage with such a person without addressing their clinginess and neediness and setting healthy borders. In that case, you risk a codependent and other unhealthy relationships forms.
4. Proceed with Caution with People Who Cannot Say “Thank You!” or “I’m Sorry!”
Though it is normal for someone not to realize their fault or be convinced of their erroneous stance, I am talking about a different breed here. I have in mind the individuals who seem biologically incapable of a mea culpa. At the same time, they are also never thankful.
You probably know the type — that guy/gal who never apologizes, no matter what. If they do, it is utterly insincere. You can hear a “not” in the “I’m sorry” almost clearly.
The same goes for saying “thank you.” Such people act as if the world owes them every good thing coming their way.
Such individuals are, at the very least, unappreciative of others.
And unfortunately, on many occasions, they are narcissists. There is abundant research on how low empathy and a lack of guilt in narcissists lead to their unapologetic behavior.
5. Listen to Your Gut Feeling When Someone Displays Yellow Flags
I recognize that this final point may initially sound vague and possibly unsubstantiated scientifically. However, I will allow myself to add it to the list.
I had always made a huge mistake when I had a bad feeling about someone — and ignored it. You know, those times when it’s not the full-on red flags, and we ignore or make excuses for the “yellow” caution signs. Even though our Spidey sense was trying to tell us something…
And I must add that, looking back, my immediate instinctual reaction to meeting someone was never wrong.
But this is not just me saying such a thing. There is a scientific justification for listening to your gut feeling when you meet someone. Evolutionary psychology offers a theoretical base for this claim.
In a sense, we humans are bestowed with the gift of instinct. So, the next time someone makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up, consider going by your first impression.
Trust Your Wit, Follow Your Instincts, and Cherish Yourself
With hindsight, most of us can see how some of our relationships were detrimental to us.
Maybe you had a toxic friend who hindered you from realizing your dreams. Most of us knew someone (often a boss or a coworker) who drained the zest for life out of our souls. For some, it took years to recover from damaging romance.
There is no point in beating ourselves up for these mistakes now. Regardless of being a psychologist, at one point or another, I, too, ignored four out of the five red flags I talked about above. It is human to err, especially in interpersonal relationships.
At this point, all you can do to make some good of a past bad relationship is learn from it.
Use your experience and this advice to take care of yourself and commit to only starting relationships that help you thrive and grow from now on.
Author Bio — Stanislava Puač Jovanović, BrainManager Team
Stanislava Puač Jovanović is a psychologist, life coach, instructor, researcher, and writer. Professionally, she completed her education as a psychologist in 2011 and received life coach and assertive communication trainer certification in 2013.
Stanislava is a devoted mother, an ardent lifelong learner, and a humble student of life. Her expertise is in self-development, communication, well-being, and stress management. She continually explores ways people can leverage their aptitudes to become all they can be.
