Forgiveness Heals All Wounds: My Story of Setting Myself Free and Returning Home to My Soul
I have been a resentment collector since I was a little girl. Growing up as a Chinese adoptee in a small town and being a child of an alcoholic and dysfunctional family only exacerbated that issue. When I was ten years old, my life changed forever when I was babysat at my drug-addicted cousins’ house while my dad was incarcerated for three driving while under the influence charges. I endured abuse and witnessed things no child should ever have to.
Young and Codependent
After that incident, I felt crestfallen, broken, and ashamed. I even developed my own codependency addiction by the time I was twelve years old. Basically, I was addicted to fixing, controlling, managing, and containing my one drug-addicted cousin.
We even had a “Dear John” type of correspondence when he was sent to prison. In 2014, we got into a major argument when I went to visit him, and we never spoke again. Even though we were not speaking, I still had hopes for a future as cousins when he was released from prison the summer after I graduated from high school.
When that dream was crushed, I had two choices: die of a broken heart or seek help. I chose the latter and never regretted my decision. I got into codependency recovery when I was 19 years old and a college freshman, but I still had a long way home.
Addicted to Anger
Over the next 4.5 years, I remained in recovery. I made a few mistakes, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic, but the overall trend in my recovery has been strongly positive. I filled my world with school, self-help, and spirituality.
I dove into my studies and graduated with my bachelor’s degree in three years with a 4.0. I read every self-help book I could get my hands on, paid hundreds of dollars for counseling and spiritual classes; and explored New Thought, New Age, and progressive Christian beliefs and practices. I channeled my pent-up anger into my schoolwork and unhealthy eating habits.
However, my heart was clenched as tight as a man’s fist. I was angry at my cousin, parents, family, former friends, and life. Whenever I talked about my cousin or family, people would tell me they could hear the pain in my voice.
I would rage at my mother over minor issues at home. I learned in Al-Anon that it is possible to have the “isms of an alcoholic” even if you do not drink (I hardly ever drink and never did a drug in my life). I missed my cousin terribly, even though he did not treat me well and the last time we saw each other was almost a decade ago. Having open wounds without the anesthetic of my addiction caused me to behave even worse than before I got into recovery.
My post-college life was not going according to plan. I planned to get the hell out of my current town as soon as possible once I landed a full-time job, but the two full-time jobs I landed were soul-sucking and had toxic work environments. I wanted to start graduate school right away, but I did not know what I wanted to do with my life. In hindsight, I realize this is because we cannot manifest the life of our dreams when we are prisoners of the past and shut people out of our hearts.
Also, the Universe only gives us more of what we are. For example, the Universe will only give us more people and situations to resent if we are constantly resentful. Essentially, I switched my addiction from codependency to anger and rage.
Going Back to the Basics by Reading a Recovery Classic
About a month ago, I re-read The Lost Years by Kristina Wandzilak and Constance Curry. I read it for the first time when I was eleven years old and in fifth grade, and I re-read it when I was eighteen and a senior in high school. It was tough to read this time because I am now capable of feeling emotion and have an adult understanding of the insanity of addiction. I even contemplated putting it down, but I continued reading it because I knew it hurt because it resonated with the truth.
The most valuable lesson I got out of reading it this time is the lesson of forgiveness. I was amazed at how Kristina could forgive her parents, drug-addicted boyfriend, the man who raped her on the streets, and -most importantly- herself for being addicted. She went on to have a successful career in addictions counseling and intervention, married the love of her life, had two beautiful children, maintains a close relationship with her family, and even re-married after the love of her life committed suicide in 2011.
I love how she writes on the last page of the book, “I have learned that forgiveness is the secret to freedom, and freedom is the secret to a life well-lived.” I remember reading the peaceful ending of the book and thinking, I hope I can forgive my family and myself like that someday. Fortunately, “someday” ended up not being too far off…
Opening My Heart and Soul
I continued thinking about the story and referring to it after I finished reading it. I started noticing a change within myself like a flower rising through the soil and beginning to bloom. I realized what I wanted: peace, love, health, wholeness, happiness, family, friendships, success, and so much more. This story of someone else’s addiction and codependency opened my heart and soul. I started seeing a new spiritual counselor, and she told me I needed to forgive myself above all others and aim for my fullest potential. I planned to meet with her five weeks later, but I needed a session sooner than that.
Last Thursday night, I felt so overwhelmed after a crazy day at work that I was compelled to journal. I hate journaling, but I had to get my emotions out. I wrote about how crazy, broken, and worthless I felt and how no one would like me or even love me if they knew who I was and about my past. I wrote that I got lost somewhere between sixth grade, my cousin, and my codependency.
Then, I wrote a sentence in big handwriting that said, “Only in forgiveness can I be set free to live and pursue the life of my dreams.” The following day, I woke up a half hour early for work with the same horrible feeling in my solar plexus. I texted my counselor, requesting an appointment as soon as possible.
During our session on Saturday morning, I told her I finally realized that my cousin and I did not have a healthy relationship. He has always been disrespectful towards women and me. A massive revelation of mine was that he brings out the absolute worst in me. I never behaved worse than when I was with him. All my adult child of an alcoholic traits came out in my relationship with him. I told her I should not be around someone like him and did not deserve to have someone like him. I stated that I was horrified at myself for putting up with it, allowing it, and participating in it.
I also addressed how I am done being a prisoner of my past, being a victim, and living in fear. I told her that I learned that I could not have the life I wanted if I did not forgive and that holding on to the resentment towards my cousin was my toxic way of staying tethered to him. I did not want my closed heart to keep out any good people any longer. She told me I was finally realizing my worth and advised me to listen to my intuition and pray for Divine Guidance about my next steps. I agreed to meet with her every other week.
This time, I am getting help not to get over someone but to be able to have a life. There is much more to recovery than abstinence; it is creating a whole new life for ourselves. We also have to detox off of anger, fear, and resentment.
The Power Lies Within
The next day, I embarked on my typical mundane Sunday to-do list of the laundromat and the grocery store. I originally planned on going to the grocery store in my town but went one town over because I was in that area to go to the laundromat. I had a gut feeling I would run into someone I knew, but I was not prepared for whom I would run into.
As I rolled into the produce section, I saw my problem cousin’s uncle, my mom’s cousin’s husband, out of the corner of my eye. A million thoughts ran through my mind in a split second. I contemplated ignoring him in anger or saying something sarcastic about my cousin. Then, the still, small voice inside me said, “Now is when you decide to put that forgiveness work to good use.” Suddenly, all the anger and judgment dissipated, replaced by peace and acceptance.
I acknowledged him in a genuinely enthusiastic manner. We talked about my schooling, work, how my mom was doing, my parent’s divorce, my dad’s health, and how his children were doing. I had no anger or bitterness whatsoever. I did not ask about my problem cousin because it does not matter in my new life. I also did not want them to think I was still hung up on him and risk hearing something too upsetting.
Shortly after, I ran into his wife, my mom’s cousin. We even embraced. I reiterated most of what I had just talked about with her husband.
At the end of our conversation, I told her, “I am happy to hear that everyone is doing well, and tell everyone that I love and miss them.” I genuinely meant it, too. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she could tell something was different about me.
As I rolled away, I realized this was the freedom I’d been seeking all these years. Forgiveness does not mean excusing or condoning their behavior. It also does not mean that we have to or should allow the perpetrators back into our lives, but we cannot keep them out of our hearts. That will only shut our hearts so no one else can get in.
I also realized that the insanity of addiction makes people say and do terrible things; I was not exempt from that fact because I put my loved ones, including my problem cousin, through hell because of it. I also realized that we are all human. Therefore, we all make mistakes and are blind to the truth at times. I realized that I chose a higher road, and my behavior was an example of putting the Divine Power within myself into action.
When I was in Al-Anon about three years ago, the definition I came up with for forgiveness is “accepting a person’s human imperfection and not allowing it to hurt us anymore.” Acceptance is the root of forgiveness. I learned we must accept the reality of what happened and who people are.
Once we move past that resistance, it does not hurt us or hold us back anymore. The last time I saw my cousin and stopped corresponding with him was almost a decade ago, so I have to move on, grow up, and create my own life. I am no longer a child stuck in a drug house; I am an adult with choices.
Returning Home to the Soul
As I was driving away from the grocery store, I knew in my heart that I was finally returning home to my true self/soul after all these years. However, to finally go home, I had to drive passed my childhood home. For many years, I resented what happened in my childhood home and my old elementary and middle schools. I had to make peace with these places to move on to my new life.
I drove past my childhood home in the small town I grew up in. It was not the first time I have been there since moving ten years ago, but I was there for spiritual purposes and intentions at that time. I expected to have flashes of bad memories while driving down the street. While I recalled some problematic things, I realized that there was a lot of good that took place in that home: family holidays (Thanksgiving was always my favorite), playing with my neighbors when I was a child, birthday parties, spending time with my dad when he was sober while my mom was at work, and how my mom always kept is so clean and beautifully decorated.
I drove past my old elementary and middle schools, and I found gratitude for the good and acceptance of the bad. When I drove down the historic main street, I noticed that not much had changed. That town will always be the way it is. Driving away, I had a much more balanced view of my life spent there and realized that it was all just part of the journey.
Turning My Life Over
Step Three says, “We made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.” I admitted long ago that I was powerless over my codependency and came to believe in God as I understand God. This time, I had to admit my powerlessness over my anger and admit that my life had become unmanageable.
I never really turned my life over to my Higher Power before. When I got into recovery 4.5 years ago, I let go of control of my cousin and started to control other things, such as rigidly scheduling my life. Now, I was prepared to turn my life over to the Divine. I went to a local park by the lake and prayed about everything on my mind and heart, forgiving everyone and officially turning my life over to the Universe/God/Divine/Source/Great Spirit.
Now What?
The next day, I woke up for work, feeling a burst of energy and like I could do anything. I put on my red high heels and was ready to start Day One of my new life, free of the chains of the past.
I don’t know what the future has in store for me. I am still not 100% sure what my path is. However, if I keep up the forgiveness work, maintain conscious contact with my Higher Power, follow my intuition, and make healthy choices for myself, the path will slowly become more apparent.
I am not cured and still have a long journey ahead of me. I will always be human and have emotions such as anger, sadness, and grief- that is just part of life. I will also always be a Type A personality. However, I am no longer a prisoner of my past, weighed down by resentment, or feel the need to control everything.
I deserve happiness, just as everyone else does. As long as I stay on this path, there is an infinite number of possibilities for me. I am grateful to be alive in this human experience and to learn all the necessary lessons.
