The Narcissist and Empathy
One morning in 1919, seventeen-year-old Milton Erickson awoke finding part of his body paralyzed. He would later become a pioneer in hypnotherapy and become one of the best known and most influential psychologists and psychiatrists in the twentieth century. Each day, after that day in August, the paralysis spread and he was soon diagnosed with polio which was at near epidemic stages at that time. Doctors were called in and he was not expected to live. Soon after the doctors left Erickson fell into a coma.
Three days later Erickson regained consciousness, though still alive, the paralysis had spread throughout his body. Even his lips were paralyzed. He could not communicate in any way, and the only body parts he could move were his eyeballs. He could only view the immediate surroundings of his room. Being quarantined in the house on a rural farm in Wisconsin, his inquisitive mind became quickly bored until he noticed something amazing and soon to become captivating.
Erickson’s family in the house consisted of his seven sisters, one brother, his parents, and a private nurse. He began to notice their interactions and communications, and what surprised him was the incongruity of their conversations. He became fascinated in how their body language would often be quite different from the intent of their language and words used. In one day he could remember over a dozen forms of no being used with different voice inflections and hardness. During the interactions of his sisters he could begin to recognize the tension in arms, legs, and micro-expressions in their faces.
While he was unable to participate in the conversations, he became completely absorbed in observing gestures, pulses of veins in the neck, the crossing of arms and legs in conversations, and even breathing patterns were noticed and how they affected the moods of his sisters. Nothing escaped his curious mind. He even noticed how his sisters touched their hair had different meanings.
His hearing became more acute and he started to recognize each family members style and pattern of speaking. He could decipher the meaning and nuance of voice inflection and all this new information became a second language for him and he was able to quickly discover the real meaning behind their actions and words. This became a wonderful game to him and he compiled detailed information about how and why people communicated in the way they did.
Within a few months he regained the movement of his lips and then speech. Finally, through using his willpower and imagination he was able to feel a muscle in his leg move. In this painstakingly slow process he was able to imagine moving muscles and parts of his body and regained full control of his body. He had proved the mind and body are connected and can operate together. Which we are barely aware of today.
By the late 1920’s Erickson was practicing psychiatry and developing his own method of helping patients through observing their body movements. He found that the voice and words were often distracting from the deep meaning that people really wanted. Often, he found people were unconscious of their body language and that body movements would “leak” their true intentions and wishes. His observation powers increased over the years and he was able to detect almost imperceptible nonverbal communications. He became a natural hypnotist being able to help people at a deep subliminal level.
What you have just read about is a masterful case of empathy. Erickson learned this second language of perception by the countless hours of listening and watching his sisters and family members interact. More importantly, he learned to not only listen to his sisters but also FEEL what was going on in their minds. He had to imagine why they would say yes when they really meant no, and to feel the contrary feelings they had. In this way he was able to bridge into their bodies and minds and actually connect with the animal part of our nature.
Another key element of mastering this second language was to relax, get out of his ego and the need to interpret and categorize. He learned to direct his attention outward into the other person and attuned himself to their feelings moods and body language. He was able to gain great rapport with people which is a major goal of Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) which is fashioned from much of Erickson’s pioneering work.
In my view, Milton Erickson could be one of the most naturally “Empathic” people in our history. His willingness to suspend his own self-absorption and focus on others is a huge learning tool for us as we grapple with our current society that is becoming more self-absorbed and narcissistic. The technology age, though not right or wrong, is asking us to set limits and boundaries in the use and application of our communication devices. ( Note: many of the root meaning of words similar to “device” mean to divide, interesting in the fact that it can divide our attention, our time, etc, etc, etc.) We set limits on our children's use of technology yet we are just learning the downside of unlimited use of technology. I think we owe much gratitude to Erickson for his empathic ability to set an example of what is possible by simply observing.
So, what can we learn from Erickson and his lifetime fascination with observing words and behavior in regards to empathy?
- By paying attention and becoming aware, it is possible to alter our bodily operations by using and focusing our mind. Erickson proved this by bringing attention to his muscles and willing them, with the help of massage and awareness, to function again.
- Putting ourselves in other peoples shoes (empathy)and inside their thoughts and actions allows us to understand what they don’t want and what they truly DO want.
- We understand that an empathic skill-set requires physical action as well as mental action. True empathy involves an analytic or mental component as well as a visceral or physical component to be fully functioning.
- Extreme narcissists are not empathic and have a lack of ability to care about others. They see others as extensions of themselves, to be used as helpers and pawns to win and succeed for themselves.
- Empathic behavior is a skill set and can be learned.
Empathy is such a large topic I can only skim the surface in this article. Nevertheless, I’ll cover the highlights and impress upon you that the skill-set takes patience, awareness in body and mind, and offers you the ability to be in deep rapport with people.
I have already mentioned narcissists, and it may be helpful to state more about that state of being. Our self-worth depends on a supportive childhood, and how we were raised and allowed to develop our self-esteem. As children we seek attention and when there is not enough to go around we can suffer or we can start to build self-reliance in our own being. Usually, between the ages of 2–5 is a key time in our development when we slowly separate from our mother. If our parents encourage our early attempts to individuate and we are supported, we start to develop our sense of being an individual and we have a sense of being able to learn, grow, and be happy with our progress albeit having bouts of anger, fear, and frustration along the way. Deep narcissists have a sharp break in this early development and never construct a consistent and realistic feeling of a self.
This break in their care can be from the parents both being narcissists and being to self-absorbed in their own lives to acknowledge the child or the parents can be overly enmeshed with the child suffocating it with attention, isolating it from others, or living through its growth as a means to validate their own self-worth. The usual background of narcissists is either abandonment or enmeshment. This results in a child that has no foundation of self-worth and seeks constant outward validation and approval. The nightmare of the narcissist can arrive in their 20’s or 30’s when, being more on their own in the world, the lack of a true and solid self-esteem comes to roost. We may know a narcissist or recognize one in the media and know first hand how difficult they are to be around with their constant scheming for attention and “over the top” deals. And, we can recognize parts of ourself or times when we “act out” in this way.
Normally, we rebound and give our apologies for our lack of tact or judgment and we move forward. Moving towards empathy and the skill-set involved takes time and patience. Most of us have learned the self-absorbed way of being which will take some unlearning. Since our children are so precious to us and they are less inhibited about how they express themselves, they may be a good place to start our practice. When you watch them on the playground, you can start to see the simple body language children use and how straightforward it usually is. The older they get they will start to hide more and more the actions, words and behaviors that are not accepted by society.
Empathy is the turning of your attention outward where you receive positive feedback from others. People seek you out and want to be around you. Empathy creates its own upward spiral of recognition and momentum. By incorporating visceral and analytic empathy your whole body and mind are involved in this new language. The body and mind are working together as they are best adapted, right brain and left brain, using all our faculties to learn and grow while becoming a supportive human being for society and the world.
This article is adapted from my own research and learning from my Conflict Resolution Certificate from SSU, from mediations conducted at Recourse Mediation Services in Santa Rosa, CA, and from Robert Greene’s book, The Laws of Human Nature.
I have a poem about empathy and the beauty it can bestow on us. The search for empathy is a process of learning and unlearning. If we turn our learning into a game as Erickson did we may find the benefits of patience, time, and focus well worth our efforts. Happy observing…
Empathy & Nature
I want to stand like a tree
communicating to the world through breath, soil, and sound
through waves of water, the sight of sun.
Empathically divining the breath of tree
drawing, absorbing water
feeling the path of roots, growth of bark.
How trees organize a forest,
herd bug, microbe, and insect.
To feel how trees attract birds
with awareness, sensitivity, and transformation.
What does it take to feel their motives, their body language?
The Sioux Holy man Black Elk would know of empathy
and the trees and all of Nature.
Black Elk would know from his vision on Harney Peak,
how to speak and feel into Nature.
He would know the folly of self-absorption, and narcissism.
Black Elk knows his people, his nature and wild nature.
He would talk with Sky, Clouds, and Rain,
and learn their ways.
He knows what to say and do at any moment.
He would see the trees, ask the leaves
feel the grasses, talk with buffalo
smell the flowers, hear the wind,
but he is gone.
He is gone.
No, No, No, he is not gone.
He lives under the bark of a tree,
in the nostril of white buffalo
in running water
above the clouds,
in the empathy of all things.
Thanks always for your comments, support, and taking action where needed. Remember action absorbs anxiety.
Create and be well…
Brian R. Martens
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Brian writes poetry concerned with the “Human Condition”, and such topics as Awareness, Transformation, and Deep Intuition. He seeks to inspire and motivate people.
