My depression is on a spectrum. There are degrees of severity and when I visualize myself on the spectrum, literally on a line labeled “Depression Spectrum” I’m in the middle right now. I’m existing on this line. Ahead of me, where the disease gets worse with each step forward, I see hospitals and concerned family and friends. Behind me, when the depression isn’t as bad, I see fun-filled days with friends, late nights laughing on the sofa watching various sitcoms with various people or listening to a band at a bar.

This middle of the spectrum consists of staying in…


Cardiovascular stents don’t last. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you’re lying on a stainless steel cath-lab table for the second time in nine months and the cardiologist exclaims, “Oh yes Mr. Clarey, your cardiac stent has occluded! Let’s just open it up and put a new one in.”

Rewind nine months before: I had a heart attack at age 33 and a coronary stent was placed in the artery. My faith in modern medicine allowed me to believe, foolishly for nine months, I would never have to worry about heart issues again.

I was awake during the procedure…


I did as much as I could for Jason in the time I knew him. Even now, seventeen years later, I can remember how eviscerating my dependency on him was. As I got to know him I’d figured out he was a hustler in every sense of the word. He had to be since his parents kicked him out of the house upon finding out he was gay. I never asked him how old he was when that happened but he intimated it was at a relatively young age. …


Good Morning

My hospital bed propped me in a sitting position while a tremendous amount of charcoal forced its way from my stomach and out of my mouth without any effort on my part. It pooled in my lap and I heard someone next to me softly saying: “Let it come” and “That’s it.” The same person rubbed my back which made the vomit come with even more involuntary force.

I glanced at the nurses standing next to me with charcoal speckling their scrubs. I don’t even know if my mother was there for the ordeal, but I soon passed…

Bryan Clarey

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