Eleven Reasons We Should Impeach Trump

I am Billionaire Boy. I am better at making deals than you are. These nine panels explain why I don’t have to worry about losing to Hillary Clinton by three million votes.

The 1987 bestseller Trump: The Art of the Deal was written “with” (somehow “by” seems more appropriate, but whatever) Tony Schwartz, a writer who has since repudiated Trump. Schwartz is now donating his royalties to charity. The book was a big bestseller, and for all we know, there may be a sequel in the works … if Trump can find a new ghostwriter.

Count me in. Trump, I’ll do it for free, but I have only one condition. You must agree to make the post you are reading right now the entire manuscript, without alteration. I did some research, and think I’ve captured your voice below. Let me know how it looks.

Trump: The Continuing Art of the Deal

(Or: Eleven Events I Want Congress and the Press to Ignore.)

1. My buddy Vladimir Putin controls Russia’s largest oil company.
2. Putin makes a $500 billion deal with Rex Tillerson, the CEO of ExxonMobil.
3. President Obama puts sanctions on Russia in response to Russian predations in the Ukraine, blocking the deal. Russia is a hostile foreign power, but I believe we should aid and comfort them.
4. Putin orders the hacking of the American election. His people are in touch with my people throughout the campaign. That’s okay, though.
5. The CIA informs Congress of the hacking. Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky rejects and suppresses the report, accusing Obama of political blackmail.
6. James Comey, director of the FBI, was at the CIA briefing. Instead of publicizing its findings, he agrees to release a letter sabotaging Hillary Clinton’s campaign. My insiders know about this letter ahead of time.
7. I ask Russia to hack the Democrats. Which they do. I then manage to corral more than 270 electoral votes while losing the popular vote in a landslide.
8. I name Elaine Chao, Mitch McConnell’s wife, to my cabinet. That’s payback to McConnell.
9. I then nominate Rex Tillerson Secretary of State. Yes, he bragged about his close relationship with Putin. That’s a good thing. Goodbye, sanctions.
10. Done deal. Losing the popular vote by more than Richard Nixon in 1960, Hubert Humphrey in 1968, and Gerald Ford in 1976 — combined? That doesn’t matter. And stop asking me about it. I’m President.
11. While you’re at it, stop asking me about my open refusal to comply with the Emoluments Clause to the US Constitution. That doesn’t matter, either.

Boy, do I love my country. It’s a major profit center for my companies and my billionaire friends.

Anyway, that’s the manuscript I’d send to the publisher. Over to you, Cheetolini. Drop me a line during the impeachment vote.

I wish I knew who put together the meme at the top of this article. If you know who it is, please let me know in the comments so I can give appropriate credit.