You Have to Care to Love — The Art of Loving Series (3/6)
In the last article of the series, I discussed the foundation of Erich Fromm’s four elements of love. In this article, I’ll be writing about the first element of love that you have to master — care.
Caring Questions
So let’s start off with a few questions:
- What does it mean to care?
- What does it mean to care for something?
- If I say “I take care of my plants,” what does the word “care” mean in that sentence?
- What does it mean to be a caring person?
I think that in these questions, there’s something interesting to be found regarding the concept of care. Specifically, care is an action, one of labor and work. But what do I mean by that?
Buckle up, and come with me on a brief journey to the world of grammar, linguistics, and review of “care.” I promise it will connect to Fromm’s argument of care and love.
Question #1: what does it mean to care? You can see “care” in its verb infinitive — the basic form of a verb with no inflected subject or tense — as “to care.”
Question #2: What does it mean to care for something? You can see the infinitive form of the verb again.
Question #3: If I say that “I take care of my plants,” what does the word “care” mean in that sentence? For this question, you can see the “care” verb, but notice also another verb. The verb, “take,” is a helping verb, and when combined with “care,” shows that the act of caring for my plans is an active and habitual thing I’m doing.
Question #4: What does it mean to be a caring person? In this final question, you can see that “care” is a participle — a verb that is functioning as an adjective. This denotes that the act of care is something that this person does to the point that it is a quality or aspect of who they are.
Connection to Fromm and Love
In each sentence, you can see that care, at its foundation, is an action — something you do. So how does this relate back to love and it being an art?
Fromm uses the example of a mother and her child to explain care.
That love implies care is most evident in a mother’s love for her child. No assurance of her love would strike us as sincere if we saw her lacking in care for the infant, if she neglected to feed it, to bathe it, to give it physical comfort; and we are impressed by her love if we see her caring for the child. (Fromm, 1956, p. 26)
Here, you can see that an aspect of the mother’s love is being shown through the act of caring for the child. But that’s not the only thing.
The deeds of the mom match her words and the words match her deeds. How likely are you to believe the mom if she says that she loves her kid but neglects them and doesn’t tend to their needs? You wouldn’t really believe them.
This coincides with a Latin and Stoic phrase: Acta non verba — deeds not words. When you say you care for something, that you love something, or any other action on something (or someone), if your actions don’t consistently match to that statement, then you don’t truly care for or love that thing.
Notice how I said “consistently.” Just as no one can be the perfect person or a Stoic sage, so too can you not be a perfect partner or parent. You’ll mess up sometimes, and that’s okay. If your trend of actions isn't matching up, however, suffice to say that you probably don’t truly mean what you say.
This is why love, according to Fromm, has the component of care within it. He writes that
[l]ove is the active concern for the life and growth of that which we love. Where this active concern is lacking, there is no love. (Fromm, 1956, p. 26)
If you don’t have an active care for your partner, to see them grow and mature into a better form of themselves, then I would argue that you don’t truly love them. And it’s here, I think, that Fromm’s concept of love takes a split from society’s and the mainstream’s view of love.
With this active, habitual care of the other person, a transformation takes place. No longer is there the selfish, “what can you do for me? What remains is the selfless “what can I do for you?”
If you combine this notion with the concept of giving from the previous article, you can see that you give yourself to the other person, but not because you are, like a transaction, expecting something back from them.
Rather, it’s because you know that the joy you have, experiences you go through, your traits, and the essence of who you are will better the other person.
You can’t help but give because of how it feels to share who you are, but also because you actively want to see the other person grow into the best version of themselves. And this spurn of action and giving, it’s not because of external causes, but rather an inner response to another. I’ll save part for the next article.
I think this concept of care is truly an essential part of the foundation of true love. If you don’t step outside of yourself and actively want and take steps to better another person, how can you even begin to love someone?
If you want to experience a harvest, you have to actively want and put in the work to make the plants grow, and see it go from a seed to a plant ripe for harvest. This is one of the reasons Fromm says that love is difficult — it’s work you have to put in and keep putting in if you want to see results.
In The Art of Loving, Fromm uses the biblical story of Jonah to explain love’s element of care. I highly recommend reading that section, as it’s quite insightful (click the link below and read pages 26–27).
At the end of that section, he sums up the element of care with the following, and I think it’s a good way to end this article. He writes that
…the essence of love is to ‘labor’ for something and ‘to make something grow,’ that love and labor are inseparable. One loves that for which one labors, and one labors for that which one loves. (Fromm, 1956, p. 27)
If you are interested in reading The Art of Love, click the link below and gain access to the free PDF.
Thank you for reading! If you would like to support my writing, click here to subscribe to and follow my blog.
If you’d like to learn about a philosophy that can help you live a more meaningful life, consider reading articles on my publication, On the Stoa.
If you think this was informative and/or helpful, please share with your family, friends, or followers!
