Fired Pundit Carl Diggler Demands Democrats Punish Bernie Sanders For Making Hillary Lose

[ Editor’s Note: Carl Diggler has been terminated from his position as CAFE’s Chief Political Columnist and replaced with David Milkberg. Despite receiving no compensation, Diggler has offered to allow CAFE to publish his new newsletter, the Diggler Political Report. ]

Failure, as the saying goes, is exactly the same as success.

Yes, I “failed” to predict Donald Trump’s upset victory and the nation’s plunge into an abject crisis of world-historical proportions.

And yes, I “failed” to keep my job at CAFE, my home in Park Slope, and partial custody of my perfect round son.

But didn’t I also succeed?

Because of my firing and eviction, I am now a Free Range Pundit. Much like the town criers of ye olden times, I will deliver my takes directly to the American People, from street corners and subway cars and ye olde pubs. Sure, I may have to sleep on bridges and dodge partisan Dunkin’ Donuts managers who think you have to make a purchase in order to charge your phone or wash your hair in the bathroom and refuse to listen to logic. But it’s a small price to pay for total reporter’s freedom. The Dig is now 100% Independent and Unfiltered. I’m a Media Rebel!

As I tote my life’s possessions in a shopping cart around lower Manhattan, dispensing wisdom in exchange for coins, my trusty-yet-Millennial assistant Virgil is diligently recording my every word, to be transcribed into a modern day Federalist Papers. That’s right: I am starting my very own newsletter!

And so I welcome you, my loyal reader, to the inaugural issue of the Diggler Political Report. For the modest price of $150 per month you can have access to the frothy stream of pundit wisdom straight from the gut of a 30+ year veteran of insider politics both inside the Beltway and out!

Unfortunately, I am currently unable to process your donations, as my GoFundMe and Cash.Me and LIVECAMS.RU accounts are all locked. This little mix-up was caused by me being too kind-hearted. Back when I had an income, I was subsidizing several aspiring young female journalists on these sites. It turns out that some of those women were actually Russian intelligence agents, and, long story short, I donated several thousands of dollars to Hamas.

Thus, I give you, the loyal Dighead, my first issue gratis, courtesy of CAFE. Now, enough shop talk! Let’s dive back into the political arena, as I answer 2016’s most vexing question.

Why Hillary Lost

She was up in the polls. She won all three debates. She had crowned the Winner Of far more Weeks than her opponent. She had temporarily thrown the FBI off her tail, vexing their investigation into her email treason. And she had won the Meme Primary. So why did Hillary bite it, after running a literal perfect campaign?

Despite the Herculean efforts of her celebrity supporters, the out-of-work coal miners and factory workers in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan, and Wisconsin (the “Meth Belt”) were unmoved to vote for the first woman President. While working class people abstained from voting more than they broke for Trump, their silence speaks volumes. The deadly chemicals that workers are exposed to can cause a variety of cancers, but more importantly, they just make you a bad person.

What’s more, the white working class has actually been doing great under Obama. They’ve enjoyed unparalleled levels of prosperity thanks to Washington’s shameful failure to pass Simpson-Bowles-type entitlement reform. Rural whites have simply been living it up with their fat Social Security checks and gaudy public schools, while the deficit suffers. Without having any economic issues to vote for, this prosperity freed whites to drive their Cadillacs to the polls and vote solely based on their gut racism and misogyny.

But most of the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of Bernie Sanders and his army of basement-dwelling dirtbag leftists.

Before he officially campaigned against her, Sanders was already harming Clinton. Since his arrival in the U.S. Senate in 2007, Sanders had been regarded by some as an unapologetic harasser of women. Knowing this, Hillary Clinton decided that instead of using a federal email server that Sanders could cyberbully her, her staff, and children on, she would employ a private server far away from Senator Sanders’ uncouth web techniques. Unfortunately, the FBI repeatedly harangued Secretary Clinton as this violated federal protocol, and she could not explain herself as it would incur more death threats and Pepe frogs from Bernie Bros.

After his violent and misogynistic campaign, Sanders enacted a devious plot to sink the Democratic ticket by pretending to campaign for Hillary. Bernie knew that he was so tragically unpopular that just by appearing on the same dais as Hillary to scream about the “corrupt bankuhs” and the price of soup, he would send the Hillary’s poll numbers crashing. Well, mission accomplished, Bernie. You have ruined the country, the Democratic Party, and my career. I ate my Election Cake off the gum-caked floor of a dangerous and unacceptable subway station in the Lower East Side thanks to you.

Going forward, if they ever want to win another election, the Democratic Party needs to fix both its Appeal Problem and the Bernie Problem. They can do this by tacking to the Center and spending the next four years compromising with Trump and Paul Ryan on policies that will completely destroy the wellbeing of the white working class. Thus, these voters will no longer have the luxury of voting for their ingrained hatreds, and will instead gravitate towards respectable moderates. Then it’s President Jim Webb.

Finally, the Democrats need to silence Bernie and his army of mom’s basement leftists. They should immediately kick Bernie out of the Democratic Caucus as punishment for embarrassing Hillary, then convince Vermonters to replace him with a sensible moderate, like a Jim Jeffords-type Republican. Surely voters will reward such brave bipartisanship.

To end the plague of Bernie Bros, Democrats could even work together with Trump on some of his proposals aimed at silencing critics. Both parties could collaborate on using the NSA to force Twitter to turn over the personal details of everyone who has ever shared a Jacobin article. If Democrats gain a reputation as compromisers, triangulators, and defenders of the sensible discourse and the Twitter mentions of homeless pundits, voters will reward them with both houses of Congress in 2018. But that will only happen if they have the maturity to sideline the Bernie Sanderses and the Keith Ellisons and the Elizabeth Warrens of their caucus and elevate the voices of the Heidi Heitkamps and the Jon Testers and the Joe Manchins. It’s time for a new generation of leadership. As President Obama observed, the Sun will still rise — hopefully out of West Virginia.

David “The Milk” Milkberg is CAFE’s NEW Chief Political Columnist, and the host of the pick-up artist/diesel train podcast Chocolate Milk, which he records in his basement in Essex County, New Jersey