Fixing a False Dichotomy of Success
There’s a game that we seem to innately play with ourselves. It’s a thought experiment where if we don’t get to where we think we should be, we’ve fallen short. Failure.
Falling short when you’re young is okay. Toddlers fall down. Kids air ball. Teens make poor decisions. We accept that as normal life. Yet, when we reach adulthood, standards suddenly rise exponentially.
Are you ready for retirement? Are you going to be married or ever have children? Do you love your job? Can you really afford that house/car? Have you started that company you said you would? You’re going back to school? Didn’t you say you’d write a book by now? I thought you took up photography — your camera is collecting dust. All these voices… none are comforting. Everything seems to say, why aren’t you farther along? As if, it’s wrong to continue on a journey of life at your own pace.
I suppose comparisons become more obvious as you’re older, while they’re easier to dismiss when younger. “You’ll learn — there’s still time.” Is time no longer available when you’re older? (I’ve started to realize there aren’t any guarantees with time.) Because obviously… “You should have been able to ___insert something___ by now!”
This is all amplified by what is fed to us through media. Characteristics that you learn to consciously or unconsciously strive for include being:
- Wealthy
- Famous
- Social
- Driven / Ambitious
- Powerful / Influential
- Attractive
- New / Exciting
- Accomplished
- Athletic
- Nomadic / Adventurous
- = SUCCESSFUL / WINNER
And if we don’t attain these characteristics… well, we tend to assume we are then the opposite:
- Not wealthy = Poor
- Not famous = Nobody
- Not social = Anti-social
- Not driven / ambitious = Unmotivated
- Not powerful / influential = Weak
- Not attractive = Unattractive
- Not new / exciting = Boring
- Not accomplished = Unaccomplished
- Not nomadic / adventurous = Reclusive
- Not athletic = Uncoordinated
- Not successful = FAILURE / LOSER
Ouch. What have we done? This is the tragic false dichotomy of our age. We’ve drawn lines and inadvertently made ourselves fall short of them. (Of course, the irony is, that people who have exceeded those lines still don’t feel adequate.) What can be done?
We could admit that the logic isn’t sound to start. There’s a spectrum, you might contest. But we’d still have the potential to not reach that unattainable line. Or perhaps you say, you wouldn’t use those words. But I’d imagine they’d still be negative ones. Or maybe you don’t even care about being wealthy, famous, etc. But that’s not enough either.
What we need is a new set of characteristics to strive for. Ones that are attainable to all and do not force us into feeling like we’ve failed all the time. I’ve taken a pass at what that might look like:
- Not wealthy = Simple 👍
- Not famous = Peaceful 👍
- Not social = Personal 👍
- Not driven / ambitious = Relaxed / Content 👍
- Not powerful / influential = Unsung hero 👍
- Not attractive = Wise / profound 👍
- Not new / exciting = Reliable 👍
- Not accomplished = Focused / Learning 👍
- Not nomadic / adventurous = Family or community oriented 👍
- Not athletic = Artistic 👍
- Not successful = TRUE 👍
What’s interesting is many of these characteristics are not immediately noticed. They tend to be undervalued as well as more introverted than extroverted.
To be clear, I’m not saying that being wealthy, famous, etc. is bad. Nor am I giving these alternatives as euphemisms for not having those characteristics. But I do mean to say that having those attributes tend to make it harder to have other ones, which are still good! They aren’t opposites, rather, different strengths and ways to be satisfied with life. Sure, you can still feel less artistic than someone else but at some point you have to stop comparing entirely, which is where being true to yourself is the most important.
Hope this inspires you to think differently.
More inspiration:
– Advice from Bill Watterson
– TED Talk by Alain de Botton
– Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
Please leave comments and give applause if you enjoyed reading. Thanks! 👍
