Questioning our Basic Interactions

As the lockdowns and quarantines have continued, I’ve taken the time to reflect on life and how we interact as humans.

The typical ice-breaking phrase, “how are you doing?” seems to me insufficient for wanting rich conversations with people. We often reply with saying we are doing good or well. Then quickly address the “what we’ve been up to” or “what’s new?” with hobbies, what plans we have, how work has been, etc. We run through the list until we run out of activities in our head to show how busy or industrious we’ve been to fill the time that has passed since last speaking. All of these things may be necessary and worth sharing but it should be clear that they are focused on “doing”.

This “doing” bias usually goes invisible to most. Let’s look at another common question. When getting to know someone we tend to ask, “what do you do?” This way of interacting with a person centers their identity on what they do. In fact, this developed habit makes it very hard not to equate and identify what someone does as who they are. This also helps to explain why, when people are out of a job, they feel like a part of their identity is lost. How does one answer that dreaded question? “I’m taking a break”, “I’m being a parent”, “I’m not contributing to society right now”? At worst, they feel a loss for purpose and may even fall into depression. It’s as if society is implicitly rejecting them, because they are no longer tangibly adding value to an organization’s bottom line.

The pressure to keep doing surprisingly permeates our relaxation time. When we want to wind down, we vicariously watch others do things as entertainment. Surely, if we aren’t the ones playing sports, singing, dancing, traveling, eating, cooking, or just in some fantasy world, then the next best thing is the watch others doing those things (and then talk to about them). Additionally, we may be tempted to multi-task while “relaxing”. So once again, our industriousness invades our relaxation time. Yet, one has to question at some point… what is the meaning of all this doing? What good does it bring?

Let me be clear that doing things isn’t wrong in any way. I mainly want to highlight it as a hidden bias, and how we overemphasize staying busy, filling up our schedule, and ultimately letting it define who we are.

Therefore, my reflection has lead me to the conclusion that there is more to life than doing. It’s been said before, but I do like how we should see ourselves as human beings, not human doings. Doing has is place and is important, but is not everything. “Being what though?” you might ask. The most concise answer appears to possibly be several things. 1) Firstly it is being aware of oneself and how you like to do life so you’re not pulled into the current of other’s expectations and desires. And once that is in place, 2) Being present or soaking in life as it happens and not suffocating oneself in a to-do list. 3) Developing character and being the person you want to be in life (e.g. more patient, loving, etc.).

Again, this is not to undermine “doing” or saying they are completely separate or unrelated. The way to learn about yourself and develop is usually by doing. Instead, I’m saying that actions should be done along with understanding why you’re doing those things.

All three of these ways of being have been a journey for me. It has taken a while to figure who I am and I still learn everyday. Activities and interactions do help me learn. This is most obviously seen in learning what I like, instead of liking because of what others like (e.g. taste in music). I still struggle sometimes to separate those, however, I can say it’s now much easier than ever to express what I like and don’t like.

As for the second point, I once prided myself in to-do checklists and how much I could get checked off — from how much I had done for the day to how many countries I had been to. I realized all the “doing” needed to add up to something. I was spreading myself too thin with activities and didn’t have a clear direction. But now, it has been far better to experience freedom from feeling overwhelmed that I’m never doing enough. And while it’s hard not to form an identity outside of one’s actions, it’s possible and frankly, worth it.

If finding identity and character is the end goal or the ultimate measure of life, then perhaps we are better off we discussing that matter. Why do we leave the scorecard of someone’s worth & success at their income or total assets, rather than what that money has made a person become?

There’s a tool in the field in which I work, User Experience, called the Empathy Map. This tool is more holistic way of looking at a person, assessing not only what to do, but also what they say, feel, and think. Applying this to the simple question “how are you doing?” already opens new doors in conversation. I’ve broken these questions down to show how many possibilities there are when you go beyond “doing”.

• What have you been you learning about yourself?
• How do you see yourself growing as a person lately?
• Have you had any interesting dreams recently?
• What are your top stressors or frustrations right now?
• What’s been wearing you out? Or giving you energy?
• Do you have a favorite charity or nonprofit that you’d recommend?
• Is there anything you feel anxious about or scared?
• How are you balancing the priorities in your life?
• Are you finding time and space to laugh or play?
• What are some things that you feel grateful for?
• Or maybe one day… how are you doing in your to be list??

Obviously, these aren’t questions that we can very easily lead with, but they are something to work towards. When we don’t acknowledge the entire being, it really limits our ability to connect. Helping each other sort through life, especially in hard times, is paramount. I’m hoping that with these questions we can begin to shift away from “doing” and more towards “being”. And perhaps, when we are all older we will have realized that the doing didn’t matter as much as we thought, instead of the character that we developed along the way.

If you have additional thoughts, please comment and let me know!